Smiley Face

Jane F.:
*That* is where corn chips come from. Hmm... Maybe ol' Professor Hardwood is onto something. He probably really loves corn. And all corn-related products. I mean, isn't that what you're supposed to put in a frame? Things you love? I'm gonna do that. When I'm get home, I'm gonna frame a bunch of stuff I love. Like lasagna. I *love* lasagna. It's SO good. And cheesy. You know who else loves lasagna? Garfield. Man, that cat really loves lasagna. Maybe I should put a picture of Garfield in a frame. You know, as a kind of shorthand way of saying 'I love lasagna.' That would be so f*cking inside. Or how 'bout a photo of *President* Garfield? Oh sh*t, that would be totally meta! People would be all like: Jane, why do you have a photo of President Garfield on your mantle? And I'd be like: Because I like lasagna, of course.

Jane F.:
It's really bright out, officer.

Officer Jones:
Would you mind removing your hand from your forehead?

Jane F.:
It's really bright out.

Officer Jones:
What's your name?

Jane F.:
Uh... Christy?

Officer Jones:
You don't sound too sure of that.

Jane F.:
No, it's Christy.

Officer Jones:
Well, Christy... How come your friend just called you Jane a second ago?

Jane F.:
Jane's uhh... my... religious... name?

Roscoe Lee Browne:
Shall we say a few words about Brevin Ericson? Shall we say a few words about love? For Brevin Ericson is completely, 100%, head-over-heels, in love. Perhaps it's difficult for you to comprehend how anybody could be so passionately-inclined toward someone like this. But do not judge her too harshly. After all, how was she to know they were pot cupcakes. And ask yourselves: who amongst you might not have done the same? Who are we to judge what beats in a young man's heart?

Jane F.:
I'm talking about something bigger than our petty, you know, yearnings.

Steve the Dealer:
This is the last time, you have to pay me back today.

Jane F.:
No problem.

Brevin:
[at the dentist] I kind of like it. I mean, it's not like I'm a masochist or anything, it's just.. Well, in a way, it makes me feel like, "Yeah.. my teeth are being taken care of." You know? It makes me feel... prosperous.

Agent:
[on the phone] So, listen up Jane. I really busted my ass getting you this audition, so please, please don't f*** it up. I mean it seems like you don't give a sh*t about any of this. Do you? Do you even give a sh*t?

[long pause]

Jane F.:
I give a sh*t.

Jane F.:
Deep scraping huh? That sounds f***in' awesome. Maybe I should get one?

Brevin:
Well, I think you need an appointment.

Jane F.:
Oh yeah... an appointment! " [laughs out like crazy] "

Jane F.:
[Jane enters the auditon room] Hey, I'm Jane. It's nice to meet you... I've heard alot about you.

Casting Director:
Excuse me?

Jane F.:
[Jane start giggling] He he he he, nothing... aaah... wiiieeeeeeeh

Casting Director:
Are you alright?

Jane F.:
I'm fantastic! How are you?

Casting Director:
I'm fine...

Jane F.:
Great!

Jane F.:
C'mon, dude! We don't wanna be late to that dentist appointment of yours! " [Jane smashes up the door of the car into a lamppost] "

Jane F.:
[Brevin is finally finished after his dentist appointment and gets out to the waiting room where Jane is and Jane imidietly freaks out] OOOH, thank f***ing god! This has been the longest, dollest, most uncomfortable thing, I can remember ever doing! I really thought that I was gonna DIE of boredom!

Roscoe Lee Browne:
Here's what Jane really said...

Jane F.:
You think you're so... uhmm... uhh... JESUS! Then you go on and on and on about this and that and all this other bullshit! And all I gotta say is F*** MAN! This situation is totally f***ed! With a capital! I mean... Have you ever!... Do you like even... DO YOU? You tell your people that!

Jane F.:
They say that true potheads stops getting the munchies after a certain point. I mean the true pothead wouldn't even say the word munchies. I dont know what the true pothead would say."munchos" or "hungries" or something. At any rate, I still love to eat when I'm high. So f*** you if you're too cool to get hungry when you're stoned. My free one years supply of Dr. Bjorns. Neat huh?