Strange Wilderness

[from trailer]

Conservationist:
What are you doing?

Cooker:
I'm definitely not burning ants with a magnifying glass if that's what you're implying. [laughs]

Junior:
[upon seeing a snake on a tree branch] Oh sh*t, a porcupine!

Dick:
You say "Dick", I come runnin'.

Peter Gaulke:
[looking at napkin] This is it? Our entire voice-over for our show on bears is written on a cocktail napkin?

Fred Wolf:
Yeah, we wrote it last night when we were at P.J. Mahoney's.

Peter Gaulke:
[reading napkin] Bears are large and brown. Alright, come on. Not all bears are large. How about baby bears, huh? Bears derive their name from a football team in Chicago. No. It's the other way around. Jesus Christ Fred, come on. It is estimated that bears kill over two million salmon a year. Attacks by salmon on bears are much more rare. Right, that's got to be true, right? Alright, let's go with that one.

Peter Gaulke:
[doing voice-over] No matter how many sea lions are killed each year by sharks, it never seems like enough

Whitaker:
[having an epiphany] Uh, guys, I don't wanna die. For the first time in 11 years I'm seeing the world through sober eyes. It's exhilerating. See, I have so much to live for right now. I want to find a nice girl and settle down, have kids, dance with them in the moonlight and everything. I want to do it all, you know?

Cooker:
That was f***ing beautiful. Take a bow.

[slams hand buzzer into Whitaker's crotch]

Whitaker:
Hey, wait a minute. These are the fish that ate Dick, right?

Peter Gaulke, Cooker:
Yeah!

Whitaker:
Alright, so go with me here. If Dick is in the fishes, and we're eating the fishes, doesn't that mean we're eating Dick?

Cooker:
[after a long pause] What the f***!

[everyone spits out the fish in disgust]

Peter Gaulke:
[narrating] Monkeys make up over 80% of the world's monkey population.

[first lines]

Peter Gaulke:
[talking on phone] Look at my dad. He was the king. I mean, no matter what happened, I mean he was as cool as a cucumber. He never forgot a line, and he never let anything ruffle him. My dad was the king. No doubt. And his TV show ruled the ratings.

[lights up weed]

Peter Gaulke:
What was that?

[coughs while getting high]

Peter Gaulke:
Excuse me. It was a wildlife show called Strange Wilderness. Oh, you remember that? Do you remember my dad? Oh cool. Yeah, then he died and then I took over the show, then it went all to hell. I mean, I'm nothing like my dad. Nothing at all. I don't know. I don't know if it was like I wasn't bright enough, or I didn't work hard enough, or I used to smoke a lot of dope. So... um... no I quit. Yeah, totally. What happened to the show? At first, it was great. I had a really great crew, we were doing what we loved, but then... I don't know. Things got a little strange.

Fred Wolf:
Hang on, people. I am picking up an underwater bubbling sound. I'm not sure what it is, but it is bubbling furiously.

Milas:
[smacking Junior, who's lighting up his bong] Junior, knock it off.

Fred Wolf:
[while recording Peter] I hear that weird bubbling sound again.

Peter Gaulke:
It's not bubbling.

Milas:
Junior, I said knock it off!

Fred Wolf:
[seeing smoke entering the shot] We got fog rolling in, man.

Peter Gaulke:
It's not fog. Milas, can you help me out here?

Milas:
For god's sake Junior, just sit the bong down!

Park Ranger Don:
[interrupting a take] Gaulke, how many times have we told you? You can't shoot without a permit. You've got a five hundred dollar fine coming. Now pack up your stuff and leave the forest. By the way, this is fire season. Smokey the Bear says put out the bong!

Peter Gaulke:
Bears are a proud people, although they're not people per-say. They're animals. Bears derive their name from a football team in Chicago. Bears have been known to attack man, although the fact is that fewer people have been killed by bears than in all of World World I and World War II combined. Brown bears bloves fishing. Brown... Brown bears bloves... God, why am I having so much trouble saying brown...

Fred Wolf:
Maybe it's the two b's in brown bears. Try something different.

Peter Gaulke:
I got it. I'm ready. Okay. Red bears love fish.

Debbie:
[walking into room] Pete, you're late for your meeting with Lawson down at KPIP.

Peter Gaulke:
Deb, we're in the middle of a recording session. So every f***ing thing you say is going down on tape.

Debbie:
Oh, right, like you guys ever care about that crap?

Danny Guiterrez:
Hey fellas, I was bombed last night at P.J. Mahoney's. By the way, did you guys notice any sedamine in that tequila? There's some kind of pebble or rock or something that's clogged up my penis hole, and my johnson's swelled up like a f***ing waterbaloon hooked up to a tea kettle.

Peter Gaulke:
[after being shown clip of an alligator attack] Luckily, we caught that on tape so that man will be honored.

Ed Lawson:
You want to honor the man by showing him being killed by an alligator on your wildlife show?

Ed Lawson:
[after showing clip of topless girls dancing around in front of a fake background] Now what the hell is that?

Peter Gaulke:
It's the African wilderness. It's, uh, natives doing a war dance.

Ed Lawson:
That's not Africa.

Peter Gaulke:
Right, well, not totally. See, um, a lot of the women of the bush; they're not really that good looking. So we got these girls instead. They're from Long Beach.

Junior:
I smoked some weed the other night, and I think this sh*t was laced, because I went out right away and got these tattoos on my eyelids to make it look while I was sleeping that people would think I was awake.

Junior:
Have you guys ever tried to poop and brush your teeth at the same time? It's kind of hard.

Fred Wolf:
[after Danny is attacked by a shark] Wow. I'm just blown away by how violent that was.

Fred Wolf:
[to Dick] You like your name? You like Dick?

Junior:
[to Dick] You ever let your dog lick your name?

Junior:
[to Dick] Does your name ever shrink because you go in cold waters?

Cooker:
[to Dick] Does your name ever get hard in the morning?

Peter Gaulke:
[upon seeing a monkey's balls] Those balls are sensational. To a lion, these balls are called a sack lunch.

Peter Gaulke:
These birds are saying howdy to the zebra. Actually, they're not saying howdy. They're eating the sh*t out of him.

Gus Hayden:
They tied me to a post and did to me what they do to all white men.

[takes off pants]

Gus Hayden:
They cut my scrotum with a sharp stick and then they ran away. My testicles unraveled out onto the ground. I scooped up my testicles from out of the dirt, rolled them up, shoved them back into my sack, and then sewed it shut myself.

Peter Gaulke:
I need you to take an inventory of everything's that left, okay? Go! Now!

Whitaker:
[looking around] Uh, okay. We got one sleeping bag, so I think we're pretty much f***ed.

Dick:
That jungle is thick. I don't think anybody's even been in there. You know, you should quit now while you're alive.

Peter Gaulke:
Nope. Not on my watch.

Peter Gaulke:
Is that a thong you're wearing?

Cooker:
What the f*** you say?

Peter Gaulke:
You have a thong on?

Cooker:
[laughing] Yeah, I'm wearing a thong.

Cheryl:
You guys! I have been tracking you for hours! Why did you leave me back there?

Peter Gaulke:
Well, we... we thought you ran off with Gus Hayden.

Cheryl:
You really think I'd do that?

Fred Wolf:
Yeah.

Cheryl:
Gross! I'd want to f*** even you guys before I'd want to f*** him!

Peter Gaulke:
I should've never hired you!

Cooker:
That's the most un-American thing I've ever heard in my life!

Peter Gaulke:
[to wheelchair-bound Danny] Hey, why are you all up in my waist, man? You feeling froggy? Huh? Why don't you take a leap?

Danny Guiterrez:
I can't. That's f***ed up!

Peter Gaulke:
[rejecting Whitaker during job interview] Well if you want, we could, eh, hire you, fire you, push you into a mud puddle and then you could keep this whole sad sack train chugging along.

Fred Wolf:
[to Whitaker] Why don't you, eh, go make a Blues album?

Peter Gaulke:
Yeah, you could call it 'Im a poor little sad sack'.

Cooker:
I was trying to make you feel better and you hit me in the head! Now there's a bump on my head. It looks like a dinosaur egg. If that dinosaur hatches people are gonna think I'm some sort of prehistoric gentleman bird.

Bill Calhoun:
Pierson may have the map and a three days head start, but that won't be enough. [hands over a copy of the map]

Peter Gaulke:
Thanks.

Bill Calhoun:
Cause now you have the map and I'm gonna give you a little something extra. His name is Gus Hayden.

Peter Gaulke:
You are shitting me! You know Bigfoot's name?

Peter Gaulke:
Sharks are only found in two places on Earth: the northern and southern hemishperes.