Strong Bad's Cool Game for Attractive People Episode 4: Dangeresque 3 - The Criminal Projective

[Strong Bad as Dangeresque and Coach Z as Renaldo arrive in Brainblow City]

Strong Bad:
Brainblow City: a town as hard as steel and twice as gray. She is like a fine lady type: treat her right and she'll make you cupcakes shaped like cold ones, but treat her wrong and she'll kick you in the knees, step on your face with a stiletto heel, take your wallet and totally ruin your credit score.

Coach Z:
Yeah... your woman scares me.

[repeated line]

Strong Bad:
[as Dangeresque] Looks like I'm gonna have to jump!

[Strong Bad as Dangeresque meets Bubs as Baron Darin Diamonicle, who is being held prisoner in Brainblow City Prison]

Bubs:
Danger-skew!

Strong Bad:
Listen, Diamonicle, I know you have a grudge against me for locking you up in this joint, but I need to break into some scumbag kidnapper's hideout, and you are gonna help me!

Bubs:
Relax. Turns out prison's the best thing that ever happened to me. Getting shivved repeatedly in the yard really puts things into perspective. I'm a new man!

Strong Bad:
Are you sure? I was kind of looking forward to locking you in a cell and beating the answers out of you. I mean a crooked cop's gotta stay bent, right?

Bubs:
[displaying a can of Bull Honkey Sport] If you want, you can crack me over the head with this bottle of Bull Honkey Sport. Only $3.99 a bottle. It's like sweatin' on the inside!

Strong Bad:
[annoyed] Hey, I told you, no product placement!

Strong Bad:
[to Coach Z] Now that you're retiring, old man, you won't have to make up excuses for being so grossly out of shape.

Coach Z:
Yeah, now I can accentuate this little bundle of blubber on the beach by lathering it up with sun block and cocoa butter.

Strong Bad:
That's an image I didn't need stuck in my brain.

Strong Bad:
[as Dangeresque, leveling his nunchuck gun at Homestar as Dangeresque Too] FREEZE!

Homestar Runner:
Oh, yeah? You wanna get crazy? Oh, I'll get crazy!

Strong Bad:
[putting his gun away] Nope, that's way too crazy for me.

[In the jungles of Strong Borneo, Strong Bad as Dangeresque and Coach Z as Renaldo find a hole in a wall and look inside]

Strong Bad:
Hmmm, I think I see something. [Strong Bad goes for the hole, but can't fit his hand inside] I can't quite reach it.

Coach Z:
Let me try! My arms are longer and stickier! [he reaches his hand inside]

Strong Bad:
No, wait, it's a trap! [a bear holding a shark pops out from behind the wall, growling at them] Look out, Renaldo! It's a Western Lowland Grizzlysharkasaurusbot! And it's holding a shark!

Coach Z:
[unable to pull his hand out of the hole] Help! I'm trapped!

[first lines]

Strong Bad:
[waking up from sleeping with his head on the computer desk] Wha-hwoa? Oh, yeah, right. Reply to all... [he types the following on the Lappy's screen:] Dear all the annoying morons that have been bugging me about it for four and a half years... Yes, I finally finished Dangeresque 3: The Criminal Projective, so you can all EAT IT! The critics are stark raving, "A dastardly masterly masterwork of cinemagic wonder."... "More special effects than a Jessica Tandy joint!"... "They may give you the whole tub of popcorn, but you'll only need the edge!" Tickets are selling for like $100 a piece! Everybody who's anybody that gives me a hundred bucks is going to be there! [he stops typing]

Strong Bad:
Oh, crap! I'm late for the premiere! [he leaves the computer room, taking a videotape with him and goes into the basement]

Strong Bad:
[as Dangeresque, to Marzipan as Cutesy Buttons] Who cares about your stupid rainforest? The only thing the rainforest ever did for me was give me wet splinters.

Marzipan:
The rainforest provides us with oxygen so you and I can breathe. It's like our planet's lungs.

Strong Bad:
Well, those lungs had better start smoking if they want to be as cool as Dangeresque.

Strong Bad:
[as Dangeresque, talking on the phone] Yeah, well, I don't care what the FBI, CIA, RGB and XFL say! I already returned the priceless paintings that were evidence!

Strong Bad:
[as Dangeresque, referring to a can of diet cola] Diet brown. All the fizzy with none of the flabby!

Strong Bad:
[as Dangeresque, to Marzipan as Sultry Buttons] I knew you couldn't stay away.

Marzipan:
[taking the Stickanee Flower] A Stickanee flower? In Paris? You do care!

Strong Bad:
You know it, baby. Dangeresque NEVER forgets his special lady, baby.

Marzipan:
Do you mean it? I WON'T have my heart broken again.

Strong Bad:
Of course! Why, I'd shower you with gems, if I had any.

Marzipan:
Ooh, I have some! [she holds up a diamond and a ruby] Take mine!

Strong Bad:
Oh, no, I couldn't... Well, okay. [He takes them]

Strong Bad:
[as Dangeresque] Cutesy Buttons better be ready to fork over several sacks of cash for rescuing her and getting her rainforest formula!

Coach Z:
[as Renaldo; infatuated] I'd just be happy to get a hug from Marzipan.

Strong Bad:
[upset] What?

Coach Z:
[distressed] What? I said nothing!

Strong Bad:
[as Dangeresque] Ah, the old Brainblow City Prison. I can't tell you how many times I've broken in and out of this place. Seriously, I can't tell you. I'm under a gag order from the courts.

[Bubs as Baron Darin Diamonicle has asked Strong Bad as Dangeresque why he should help him with solve a kidnapping and break into a hideout]

Strong Bad:
[threateningly] Because if you don't, I'll have you transferred to Tri-Lambda Penitentiary!

Bubs:
With all the white-collar criminals, hackers and illegal downloaders of anime?

Strong Bad:
That's right. NERD PRISON!

Bubs:
You can't do that to me, man! What'll become of my street cred?

Strong Bad:
Then fess up, or get ready to heavily protect your pocket!

Bubs:
Okay, you win, Dangeresque. The truth is, I never did any of that stuff!

Strong Bad:
[shocked] What?

Bubs:
I always hired guys to do that stuff for me! If you want to break into a kidnapper's hideout and rescue the hostage, you're gonna need the two best minds in the business. But you're not gonna like it!

Strong Bad:
[annoyed] Why do people keep telling me that?

Bubs:
Both are people from your past. One is an expert kidnapping solver, and the other is the man with the plan!

Coach Z:
Strong Bad, you kidding? You can't put Senor Cardgage in your movie! That guy is creepy with a capital "cree"! And I don't think he's too clear on the whole fantasy-reality thing neither.

Strong Bad:
You're crazy, man! Senor Cardgage is awesome! He's perfect for the role of Dadgeresque!

Coach Z:
Has he even read the script?

Strong Bad:
Script? That guy doesn't need a script, he's a natural!

[Strong Bad as Dangeresque and Coach Z as Renaldo are floating down the rivers of Strong Borneo]

Strong Bad:
So here we are, braving the rapids of this turbulent river deep in the heart of the jungle. Gangs of angry street piranhas circle beneath us! Cannibals and volcanoes close in from all sides! And behind us, just out of view, is the 300-foot jaggedy waterfall from which we just safely dropped.

Coach Z:
Boy, am I glad you beat up that weightlifter ex-Navy-SEAL we had for a guide and decided to captain this boat yourself! Your quick thinking and superior skills are the only reason we survived.

Strong Bad:
True, but we aren't out of the boat yet. [they get out of the boat] Now we're out of the boat.

Strong Bad:
[as Dangeresque, to The Cheat as Craig] Hey, Craig! Why don't you step outside for a little... AIR... lock. [Strong Bad kicks The Cheat into a dryer meant to simulate a space station airlock]

The Cheat:
[yelling The Cheat noises]

[Cut to The Cheat standing in a space background suggesting him floating in space]

The Cheat:
[screaming The Cheat noises]

Homestar Runner:
[as Dangeresque Too] Thanks. I owe ya one, buddy.

Strong Bad:
One? You owe me, like, fifty!

Strong Bad:
[as Dangeresque, to Coach Z as Renaldo] So, Renaldo, a little baron tells me you know something about an expert kidnapping solver.

Coach Z:
Uh-oh. Now, I don't think that's something we should be talking about.

Strong Bad:
I thought we were partners! What are you hiding from me?

Coach Z:
He's no good for this case, Dangeresque! Forget about him!

Strong Bad:
Who? Who are you talking about?

Coach Z:
YOUR FATHER!

Strong Bad:
Dadgeresque? My father is the kidnapping solver?

Coach Z:
Yes, that's why he left you. Because he went mad! He's no help to us.

[Homestar as Uzi Bazooka has killed Senor Cardgage as Dadgeresque, leaving Strong Bad as Dangeresque anguished]

Strong Bad:
No, Dad! Don't you... sniff... die on me!

Coach Z:
[as Renaldo] Oh, he don't look too good.

Strong Bad:
[anguished] Don't do this, Dad! You have to hang on! Did you ever know that you're my hero? We've only just begun! You're the wind beneath my wings! Umm... She Bop!

Coach Z:
[subdued] He's gone, Dangeresque.

Strong Bad:
WHY! He was my father! It's not fair! Oh, cruel world! [distraught] How could you take my only father from me? Why now? *Why*?

[Strong Bad as Dangeresque levels his gun at Homestar as Uzi Bazooka]

Strong Bad:
You killed my father! Prepare to have a bullet from my nunchuk gun pierce your flesh, causing internal injuries and bleeding, which, if left unchecked, could cause you to die!

Coach Z:
That's far enough!

Strong Bad:
Hand over the girl and the disks, scumball... bag!

Homestar Runner:
Forget it, Dingle-esque! Besides, these aren't even *my* stolen disks of important launch codes. I'm just holding them for Perducci!

Strong Bad:
[as Dangeresque, placing a potted plant in a "shark pond"] Okay, stupid plant, can you swim? 'Cause you're about to get WATERED!