Tales of Monkey Island: Chapter 5 - Rise of the Pirate God

Guybrush Threepwood:
[trying to guess how Bugeye escaped the giant manatee] You ignited the gasses in the stomach which resulted in a catastrophic explosion destroying everything within a twenty-five mile radius?

Bugeye:
And yet, here I am, without a scratch on me!

Guybrush Threepwood:
So was I right?

Bugeye:
You're an idiot.

Guybrush Threepwood:
What ever happened to that locket DeCava had?

Bugeye:
Probably at the bottom of the ocean with the rest of... well, it's at the bottom of the ocean.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Ever since LeChuck got a hold of your diary, he's really had it in for you.

Voodoo Lady:
The dread-pirate LeChuck is not one for nuances. You know this, Guybrush.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Back on Flotsam, though, he seemed pretty convinced you were evil.

Voodoo Lady:
What else happened "back on Flotsam"? Did he not slaughter you and your friend Morgan LeFlay in cold blood? LeChuck is mad, as usual. I do not blame him for his anger towards me, or towards you. It is expected and beyond his control.

Guybrush Threepwood:
You're saying LeChuck is just being LeChuck?

Voodoo Lady:
Yes.

Guybrush Threepwood:
[trying to guess how Bugeye escaped the giant manatee] You dressed up like a throat grub and snuck out through the blow hole!

Bugeye:
Manatees don't have blow holes! Plus, that's really stupid. Now leave me alone.

Guybrush Threepwood:
[Reading the inscription on a tombstone] "Here lies What's-His-Name. May we never forget." [Another tombstone] "R.I.P. Finnius McDriver, aka Shark Fightin' Finny, aka Shark Bait. Died from a bear attack." [Another tombstone] "Here lies Frederick Pirate, loving husband, devoted father, pillar of the community, hanged because of a terrible misunderstanding." Awww.

Guybrush Threepwood:
[Reading the inscription on his own tombstone] "Guybrush Threepwood, Mitey Pirate!"... Uh, at least they finally got the last name right.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Hi there. I'm Guybrush Threepwood, Mighty Pirate, and... I think I may be dead.

Ferryman:
Aye.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Nice outfit!

Ferryman:
Aye.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Am I really dead?

Ferryman:
Aye.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Am I really REALLY dead?

Ferryman:
Aye.

Guybrush Threepwood:
So I am COMPLETELY dead?

Ferryman:
Aye.

Guybrush Threepwood:
I'm not just mostly dead?

Ferryman:
Ay - [annoyed] Okay, look, you do still have a TINY shred of life you seem to be hanging on to, but for all intents and purposes, let's just call it DEAD dead!

Guybrush Threepwood:
Why is there a Grog machine in the afterlife?

Ferryman:
For the Thirst of Eternal Waiting.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Hmm, fair enough.

Guybrush Threepwood:
[On a grog vending machine] "Grog XD". Hm, this must be that new high-energy grog that all the kids are drinking these days. [he presses the button, but nothing happens] It's sold out. Which is fine by me, the kerosene and battery acid tend to keep me up at night.

Guybrush Threepwood:
[In the afterlife] It's a turnstile. Apparently death has yet to shed any of the inconveniences of life.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Pardon me, mind if I borrow this? [Pulls out the sword from Ted's head]

Pirate Ted the Swordfighter:
Hey! LeChuck stuck that in me for a reason, you know.

Guybrush Threepwood:
LeChuck?

Pirate Ted the Swordfighter:
Aye, he came back after me and me mates stole some gold turtle from him. He chopped off me head and asked and asked me to hold that for him.

Guybrush Threepwood:
[Doubtful]... In your decapitated head?

Pirate Ted the Swordfighter:
Yeah... [realizing] Oh, he just wanted to kill me, huh?

Guybrush Threepwood:
That'd be my guess.

Pirate Ted the Swordfighter:
[Sadly] Aye, that makes sense.

Guybrush Threepwood:
[Points at a sock] What's the deal with this thing?

Pirate Kevin the Thief:
Ah, that's an old one, friend. They say that toe-juice-encrusted sock was once worn by LeChuck himself. The thief who stole it claimed he slipped it right off the zombie pirate's oozing undead foot without being noticed. Funny how he showed up here in the afterlife still clutching the sock in his fist.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Wow! You mind if I... uh... steal it?

Pirate Kevin the Thief:
Actually, I prefer you just take that one. It's really starting to stink up the place.

Guybrush Threepwood:
So, um, if you don't mind me asking, how'd you wind up with that massive hole in your gut?

Pirate Bill the Treasurehunter:
Mind? Why should I mind reliving the horrifying moment of my demise?

Guybrush Threepwood:
Uhmm...

Pirate Bill the Treasurehunter:
That was rhetorical.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Oh...

Pirate Bill the Treasurehunter:
A lot of people lie a lot... the trick is figuring out when they're telling the truth.

Guybrush Threepwood:
And how do you do that?

Pirate Bill the Treasurehunter:
If I knew that, I might not be hanging out in a field full of X's with a hole where me liver, lungs and kidneys used to be.

Guybrush Threepwood:
A photo of my spirit. They say the ethereal camera of the afterlife subtracts ten pounds.

Guybrush Threepwood:
[Reading from a scroll] "What gives you courage to face the dangers to come".

Morgan LeFlay:
I don't know. What do you pirates use when you stupidly take on insurmountable dangers without an ounce of fear?

Guybrush Threepwood:
Pirates do that? Boy, I need to learn how they do that!

Guybrush Threepwood:
[In the Afterlife] Diet Grog is sold out. I guess even Ghost Pirates need to watch their figures.

Morgan LeFlay:
[Guybrush falls back into the Crossroads again] Guybrush? What happened? Did you defeat LeChuck? Save your wife? Avenge my death?

Guybrush Threepwood:
She... she zapped me!

Morgan LeFlay:
What?

Guybrush Threepwood:
Elaine... she's LeChuck's demon bride, and she zapped me with Voodoo Root Beer!

Morgan LeFlay:
Demon bride? She must be under LeChuck's control! Get back in there and save her!

Guybrush Threepwood:
[Despondent] No, she's not. She looked me right in the eyes and then chose him. They're going to take over the world together. There's a demonic sword involved. It's over.

Morgan LeFlay:
[Sarcastic] Well, that's good news.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Huh?

Morgan LeFlay:
Now you're free to just curl up and enjoy a sad, pathetic eternity in pirate afterlife. Of course, I'm not sure if they're still letting whiny schoolgirls in, you'll have to check.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Come on, Morgan. I just lost my wife.

Morgan LeFlay:
So go take her back, Guybrush! Are you a Mighty Pirate or aren't you?

Guybrush Threepwood:
I...

Morgan LeFlay:
Look, I know you're not the most fearsome pirate to sail the seven seas. But what I've learned about the Guybrush Threepwood that inspired me for my entire life is that there isn't any situation he can't handle. And the one thing I've admired about you throughout our entire adventure together is that you never gave up on Elaine.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Maybe if I could find a way to use that Cutlass... but if I go back, they'll just zap my ghost again.

Morgan LeFlay:
So get your body back.

Guybrush Threepwood:
What? Just find my body and repossess it? Wait, that sounds kinda familiar...

Morgan LeFlay:
The Voodoo Lady's locket. Find the locket. Find your body.

Guybrush Threepwood:
...And then bring the fight to that decrepit sack of sea worms and make LeChuck rue the day he decided to mess with Guybrush Threepwood, Mighty Pirate!

Morgan LeFlay:
Yes!

Guybrush Threepwood:
I still have no clue what "rue" means!

Voodoo Lady:
Go now, find your body. Find a way for your spirit to possess it. But remember, rebinding a soul to a body is not as simple as taking yourself over - you're rebelling against the natural state of things and the universe will push back. Once you have possessed your body, you'll have to find a more permanent way to bind it to your soul. I recommend Mix n' Mojo brand Spirit Gum. It can create a powerful spiritual bond that will bring your restless spirit and body together in harmony. It's also delicious! It comes in lemon, cherry, and mutton flavors.

Bugeye:
[Guybrush' spirit has re-entered the physical world] Hey you! Pipe down, we're in the middle of a pirate wake here!

Guybrush Threepwood:
A what? [sees his corpse standing while holding a dart board] Yup, that's me! This is a pretty disappointing wake.

Wallace Grindstump:
Yeah, well, LeChuck's killing spree may have hindered the turnout a bit.

Guybrush Threepwood:
And why am I posed like that?

Wallace Grindstump:
It's zany! The customers love it!

Bugeye:
What? That's exactly the way I remember you.

Guybrush Threepwood:
[as a ghost] Hi there.

Wallace Grindstump:
Captain Threepwood! As I live and breath!

Guybrush Threepwood:
[Annoyed] Don't rub it in!

Guybrush Threepwood:
Yep, that's my body all right! What is it doing here?

Wallace Grindstump:
This is your wake! We were going to erect a statue in your honor after the pox was cured, but that caused LeChuck to return to pillaging and plundering, and people were calling to burn your body in effigy instead. In the end we settled somewhere in the middle, and decided you'd become our new dartboard.

Guybrush Threepwood:
So, ever seen a ghost before?

Wallace Grindstump:
Have I ever? I'm a judge, laddie. My every waking hour is haunted by the harrowing curses of the despicable reprobates I've sent to the gallows. To be frank, your cheery spirit is something of a welcome respite.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Yeah, I'm much more of an "existential crisis" ghost than a "mind-numbing horror" spirit. All that wailing really does a number on your throat.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Gimme a drink, Grindstump!

Wallace Grindstump:
I'm afraid your bar privileges expired when you did, Threepwood. In your next life, try to settle your debts before you get killed, hmmm?

Guybrush Threepwood:
Can I get you to come out?

Anenome:
No! I don't trust anyone. Well... maybe Reggie.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Wait. Winslow? That salty dog.

Anenome:
Despite our taxonomic differences, Winslow understands me.

Anenome:
Hm, I wonder how that works... um... logistically.

Anenome:
But now I'll never see him again.

Guybrush Threepwood:
You and Winslow are... you *and* Winslow?

Anenome:
I'd never assume he would have me as his life partner. But we have shared our love.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Whoa. Too Much Information!

Guybrush Threepwood:
[Talking about Reginald van Winslow] I'm not sure how to say this, but what was your relationship... like?

Anenome:
It was a rare thing. Like a perfectly formed pearl in the mouth of a clam.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Out of morbid curiosity, does he get into the water or do you shimmy up on land?

Anenome:
[Shocked gasp]

Guybrush Threepwood:
Forget it, forget it!

Anenome:
If you're so curious, you can find your own Vaycaylian! Not that any of us would have you.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Mmm, tempting... but I'll stick with my bipedal plunder bunny. You and Winslow were pretty hot and heavy, huh?

Anenome:
Weight is negligible underwater.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Huh. I *think* I'm grossed out.

Reginald Van Winslow:
Don't you worry, while waiting for the currents to cooperate, I've been working on a game I've entitled "Rock, Paper, Pen."

Guybrush Threepwood:
How is it played?

Reginald Van Winslow:
Well, paper beats rock. And then the player must shame the paper into defeat by filling it full of lewd phrases using the pen.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Ah, nothing like a good shaming.

Guybrush Threepwood:
YOWCH!

Reginald Van Winslow:
Are you all right, sir?

Guybrush Threepwood:
I think I just had the spirit knocked out of me!

Reginald Van Winslow:
Ah yes, that *would* explain the girlish scream, sir.