The Best Christmas Pageant Ever

Claude Herdman:
Who's Herod in this play?

Grace Bradley:
Uh, Herod isn't in this play.

Leroy Herdman:
You mean he's out to kill the baby, and he isn't even in the play?

Charlie Bradley:
Hey Leroy, you want my dessert tomorrow? You want it the next day? You can have it! At church, we get refreshments all the time. Chocolate cake and cookies, ice cream...

Leroy Herdman:
Oh, yeah? Who gives 'em to ya?

Charlie Bradley:
The minister.

Leroy Herdman:
Why? Is he crazy?

Charlie Bradley:
No. I think he's rich.

Grace Bradley:
[reading the story of Christmas] And, lo, the Angel of the Lord came upon them...

Gladys Herdman:
Shazaaammmm!

Grace Bradley:
What?

Gladys Herdman:
Out with a vengeance in the darkness, the mighty Marvel!

Grace Bradley:
Gladys, I don't know what you're talking about.

Gladys Herdman:
The Mighty Marvel in Wonder Comics.

Grace Bradley:
No, this is the Angel of the Lord.

Gladys Herdman:
Out of nowhere, right? In the black night, right?

Grace Bradley:
Well, yes, in a way.

Gladys Herdman:
Shazaaaammmm!

Hobie:
I don't know what shepherds wear.

Charlie Bradley:
You have to wear your father's robe. That's what I have to do.

Hobie:
He doesn't have a robe.

Charlie Bradley:
What does he hang around the house in?

Hobie:
His underwear.

Charlie Bradley:
I am not going to be a shepherd.

Grace Bradley:
Oh, yes you are!

Charlie Bradley:
Mom said Mrs. Slocum was in traction. How can she talk on the phone if she's in traction?

Beth Bradley:
What do you think traction is?

Charlie Bradley:
Like when they put you to sleep.

Bob Bradley:
No such luck.

Claude Herdman:
What's an "Inn"?

Elmer:
It's like a motel.

Ollie Herdman:
Why'd they go there?

Elmer:
To pay their taxes.

Ollie Herdman:
At a motel?

Beth Bradley:
[to the camera about the Herdman's visit to church] Before the service was over, they cleaned out the collection plates, scribbled on the bibles, and stuck gum all over the pews.

Imogene Herdman:
I'm going to be Mary in the Christmas play. And if you try to be, or raise your arm, you'll wish you didn't.

Alice Wendlekin:
I'm always Mary in the Christmas play.

Imogene Herdman:
Go ahead then. And next spring when the p*ssy-willows come out, I'm going to stick a p*ssy-willow so far down your ear where nobody can reach it. And it'll sit there and grow and grow and grow so for the rest of your life, there'll be a p*ssy-willow bush growing out of your ear.

Rev. Hopkins:
Vera Wendlekin says all they do is talk about sex and underwear.

Maxine:
[referring to a shack exploding] Who said the Herdmans did it?

Beth Bradley:
They said they did. Ralph said he was the one that stole the chemistry set from Old Man Johnson's garage.

Alice Wendlekin:
Call the police, then they can put Ralph in jail.

Beth Bradley:
Alice, nobody's going to call the police on them.

Maxine:
Because they're kids.

Beth Bradley:
No, because they burned down the jail.

Imogene Herdman:
Somedy better be Herod!

Grace Bradley:
Imogene, we're going to do this play the way it has always been done.

Imogene Herdman:
[grabs Charlie by the collar] I know! Let Charlie be Herod. He tells the wise men to kill Jesus, and they say "okay" 'cause he's a king and all.

Ollie Herdman:
But then they don't do it. They go back and get Herod...

[gesturing stabbing motions]

Ollie Herdman:
"Take that, Herod! Take that!"

Charlie Bradley:
I'm not going to be Herod!

Ralph Herdman:
What did she says the play is called?

Leroy Herdman:
"Christmas Pageant."

Ollie Herdman:
That's no name. That's what it is.

Gladys Herdman:
I know a name. I'd call it "Revenge at Bethlehem."