The Best and the Brightest

The Player:
I love that you brought crazy to the party. You know what I like to do? I bring crazy to Vegas, put them up in my double at the Bellagio, lock up their meds in the hotel safe, feed them cranberry juice, let them just pee out their sanity. By the end of the weekend I got them thinking al-Qaeda has taken over the strip. Their f***ing me for freedom.

[first lines]

Jeff:
Yo, B.

Beatrice:
I'm up.

Jeff:
Check it! "You are now leaving Delaware". Get ready to say goodbye to Delaware everybody. Here it comes... , Bye Delaware!

Beatrice:
Bye Delaware! Bye Delaware! I'll see ya later.

Jeff:
How about keeping just one eye on the road.

Sam:
Oh, come on.

Jeff:
Not for me. For your daughter.

Beatrice:
Yeah mom, for me.

Jeff:
I think Beatrice should live long enough to see a white president.

Chapin Headmistress:
[to the group] The most important part of this process is that you find a way to have fun. I know I do.

Cindy Tanaka-Blumstein:
[under her breath] I'll have fun when you get cancer.

Beatrice:
What's wrong mommy?

Sam:
Nothing, my baby. Just everything.

Jeff:
So, public school it is!

Sam:
No!

Jeff:
So, back home it is!

Sam:
No!

Jeff:
So, homeschooling it is. And what a majestic home to do it in, don't you think, B? Which wing should we house the English Department in?

Sue Lemon:
Let's start with, what do you do?

Jeff:
Uh, it's really not very interesting.

Sue Lemon:
Well that's alright, I'll spice it up.

Jeff:
I pre-encode LAR files for S&G List Serve.

Sue Lemon:
I think I just took a nap in the middle of what you just said.

Jeff:
You left my daughter!

Clark:
She was safer after I left, dude. Consuela's from Venezuela. She probably has like 8 kids.

Henry:
Obviously we all want to be sodomized on some subconscious level. But we don't write about it for many many pages.

The Player:
I can't believe the cellulite they let in here these days. My man Blumberg's gotta come down on ass like they did on cigarettes.

Robin:
I agree. I hate fat chicks!

Mica:
Hey, me too.

The Player:
To bulimia!

Katharine Heilmann:
If it makes you feel any better Sam, if I were in your shoes, I'd have made up a whole new life too.

The Player's Wife:
I like your style honey, but you punch a little too hard for Kindergarten.

Jeff:
[performing poetry by reading text messages] I'm right outside the door right now. Will you let me in? No, I'm serious. Some big Hispanic dude is out here asking me for money. Please come out here.

[last lines]

George Tanaka-Blumstein:
You now, it's called Flushing for a reason.

Sam:
You know, New York has some of the best public schools in the world. I just want you to know...

Cindy Tanaka-Blumstein:
Why isn't your kid going there then, I'd like to know.

George Tanaka-Blumstein:
Have you explored Mexico? Maybe we should go to Mexico.

Cindy Tanaka-Blumstein:
Listen, if we wanted public schools we'd move to Delaware.