The Broken Hearts Club: A Romantic Comedy

Anne:
We just want your sperm, we're not asking you to move in.

Patrick:
Taylor's boyfriend broke up with him from Hawaii, Howie went home with Marshall... again, Cole slept with Benji's quasi-boyfriend, and my sister ends the evening with a plea for my sperm. It's like one big gay soap opera! I keep waiting for Sue Ellen to wander into my living room and tell me that she's secretly bought controlling interest in my oil company!

Jack:
Everyone can't be straight. Everyone can't be beautiful. Everyone can't be the same, Patrick. Some people are just gay and average. We're the strongest I think.

Dennis:
Benji, there isn't a straight man in America who doesn't refer to anyone but his girlfriend as 'girlfriend'.

Benji:
I know, but I was so butch when I said it.

Howie:
I hate this city. Everyone's better looking than me.

Kevin:
[voice-over - end of movie] A lot of people ask me when I first knew I was gay. Fact is, I don't know. But what I do remember, what I can recall, is when I first realized it was Okay: It was when I met these guys. My friends.

Howie:
Dumb gorgeous people should not be allowed to use literature when competing in the pickup pool. It's like bald people wearing hats... it's deceiving.

Kevin:
You scared me.

Dennis:
It's my house, I'm allowed to do that.

Kevin:
I don't get you guys. Is that all you do, you just sit around and talk about guys?

Dennis:
Either that, or we talk about guys.

Dennis:
I can't decide if my friends are the best or worst thing that ever happened to me.

Taylor:
I was left for another man. And not just any other man, a trainer. A trainer named Dash. I was left for a punctuation mark.

Dennis:
Where is my living room?

Taylor:
Oh it's still here, I just shifted it around a little.

Dennis:
No, this is YOUR living room. You didn't shift my living room around, you shifted my living room out and your living room in. So, where is my living room?

Taylor:
Distributed evenly around the house.

Dennis:
Distribute it back.

Taylor:
It took me all day!

Dennis:
So now you'll be done in time to set your curlers for bed.

Taylor:
Okay Dennis, look at it this way: a new furniture arrangement is like a new hairstyle, you have to live with it for a few days before you can tell whether you really like it or not.

Dennis:
That is not true. I haven't had a shag, but I wouldn't have to live with one for a few days to know that I don't want one.

Cole:
Thank God you're home.

Dennis:
Thanks to Mufasa here, it's now a Tunisian hut.

Taylor:
Why do I even try?

Taylor:
I hear Kip Rodgers is a big fag.

Dennis:
Kip Rodgers is not gay, he's married.

Taylor:
Oh please, that's right up there with "He's not gay, he's in a fraternity."

Benji:
It's called being horny.

Howie:
It's not horny. I know horny. I've taken a lecture series on horny.

Benji:
They have lecture series on horny?

Kevin:
So, what - you're not attracted to me?

Dennis:
Of course I'm attracted to you. I've been crazy about you ever since you lit the candles. Kevin, you were the wish.

Patrick:
What is it with lesbians and candles?

Patrick:
Leslie, queen of b*tch-town, your people have come to take you home.

Taylor:
No Streisand, no Bette, no Judy? What the f***'s a fairy supposed to do around here in case of an emergency?

Patrick:
There's gotta be something.

Howie:
I'm looking. [pulls out a CD] Celine Dion?

Taylor:
In Hell!

Dennis:
Is that the girl from 'Young and the Restless'?

Howie:
I'm so over Y&R.

Patrick:
Oh great! This is what I get for trying to be a friend.

Taylor:
Well we obviously have two different interpretations of that word!

Patrick:
What's that supposed to mean?

Taylor:
It means that when it comes to men, you delight in being the bearer of bad news for all of us. You can disguise it all you want under the guise of 'Patrick's Good Advice' but it ain't sh*t but a pin... trying to pop all of our relationship balloons! Yeah, I knew Paul was sleeping with other people, but he told me we'd work it out. He promised we'd work it out.

Patrick:
He lied!

Cole:
Is there a sentence that you don't start with "as a person in a long-term relationship"?

Taylor:
It speaks on my authority, in matters of the heart.

Cole:
It speaks of your boyfriend's insanity!

Howie:
There isn't a movie in the cinema canon that depicts a gay character that we would aspire to be. What are our options... noble, suffering AIDS victims, the friends of noble suffering AIDS victims, sex addicts, common street hustlers and the newest addition to the lot, stylish confidantes to lovelorn women. Just once I would like to see someone who is not sick, hasn't been laid in about three months and is behind on his student loans.

Benji:
And that is someone you would aspire to be?

Taylor:
Right?

Patrick:
I couldn't do it.

Leslie:
See I told you he was gonna start some sh*t.

Anne:
You couldn't do it?

Patrick:
I need material.

Anne:
They don't have material?

Patrick:
Well the whole "Hustler" ouvre isn't exactly helping my cause right now.

Howie:
Oh my God it's embarrassing to even be seen in here! You owe me so big for this hag! You know my issues with buying porno.

Leslie:
Hurry up!

Leslie:
You see, I told you we should've just drugged him and jerked him off.

Patrick:
Drugged me and... is this the woman that you want to become a mother with?

Anne:
She's serious, too.

Marshall:
I hang on because I love you, and I wait patiently for you to calm down and wake up and realize that you love me too. You hang on because it's easy.

Howie:
When you say it like that I sound like an a**hole!

Dennis:
I thought my mom would be cooler, she was a 60's love child. When she caught me smoking pot with my friends all she said was 'I hope you didn't pay market for that'. But when I told her I was gay she didn't speak to me for a month.

Kevin:
How is she now?

Dennis:
Better. She still refers to the homosexual community as 'The Gays', like they live on her block. [in a feminine voice] 'Dennis, I heard The Gays had a parade... did you go'?

Howie:
Meanwhile, don't look now but. [Patrick looks] I could kill you!

Patrick:
What? You act like he would never know we were checking him out.

Howie:
He wouldn't even know I was a fag if I wasn't here with you and your cart full of kitchenwares.

Patrick:
What planet are you living on? There isn't a person in this entire store who wouldn't pick you off the homo tree in a second!

Howie:
Oh keep telling yourself that.

Patrick:
Excuse me, Miss. [woman walks over] This man, you've never seen him before in your life. Tell me, fag, not a fag?

Female Shopper:
Oh I'd have to say big fag.

Patrick:
All of the men in L.A. are a bunch of 10's looking for an 11. On a good night, and if the other guy's drunk enough... I'm a 6.

Howie:
Look! Benji's talking to Idaho Guy!

Dennis:
Who?

Howie:
Idaho Guy. He's Benji's newest crush. Benji's been working out near him for weeks in hopes that Idaho Guy would notice.

Dennis:
Why do you call him Idaho Guy?

Patrick:
I don't know. He just kind of... looks like he's from Idaho. It's not one of our better ones.

Cole:
So, how do you and Benji know each other?

Kevin:
We fold jeans at Structure.

Dennis:
You told them!

Kevin:
It just kind of slipped out. My mom said she made some key lime pie, and I said 'great, I love key lime pie... and I'm gay'.

Dennis:
I bet she wishes she made apple pie instead.

Jack:
Sometimes I wonder what you boys would do if you weren't gay. You'd have no identity. It was easy when you couldn't talk about it. Now it's all you talk about. You talk about it so much that you forget about all the other things that you are.

Dennis:
You like The Carpenters.

Kevin:
Oh, insanely.

Dennis:
Well, here's to your first OGT. Obviously Gay Trait. Mine are: love of The Carpenters, culinary interests, and intense fear of blood sports.

Kevin:
Everyone knows that birthday wishes are the only ones with any real validity.

Taylor:
I-I-if you're going to break up with somebody, at least have the decency to provide them with better lighting.

Cole:
Last time I use an audition monologue to break-up with somebody.

Dennis:
You're right, it looked lonely.

Marshall:
I still make you speechless?

Howie:
[nods]

Dennis:
If Larry Kramer knew this is how gay men in America spent their time, he'd defect.

Howie:
He probably would.

Patrick:
Larry Kramer can blow me.

Howie:
He probably would.

Dennis:
Ice.

Dennis:
Yes, there is... ice *and*... I will go get it.

Cole:
The one time you bastards actually keep a secret is the one time it matters. Now I feel like sh*t.

Howie:
I think that's a scientific impossibility.

Patrick:
When I watch them, it feels so strange. It's like I'm not even a part of it. They're all so much more attractive than I am.

Jack:
Patrick...

Patrick:
No. You know what? I don't mind. Really, I don't. I kind of like being attractive by association. It's the closest I've ever gotten to feeling beautiful.

Dennis:
[to Howie after Purple Guy gives a beautiful eulogy for Jack] I know why Jack was with him.

Dennis:
Oh, everyone gets dumped first time around. It's the rule of all newbie relationships.

Kevin:
What happens next? Do I become like you and your friends?

Dennis:
You don't even know my friends.

Kevin:
Yeah, I know them well enough to know that you're just a bunch of bitter, jaded...

Dennis:
Fags? Go ahead and say it.

Kevin:
[overtalking Dennis] I wasn't gonna say it. I wasn't gonna say that.

Dennis:
You should. Maybe then you'd be less afraid of what it means.

Kevin:
Why can't everything just slow down?

Dennis:
I promise, it will. But you can't go back now. At least go have a cup of coffee with me?

Kevin:
One condition.

Dennis:
What?

Kevin:
West Hollywood's that way. [points] Show me one thing you find interesting that way. [points in other direction]

Howie:
Meanwhile.

Howie:
You told me once that you were waiting for me to wake up. You didn't wait long enough. I've never been more awake than I am right now. And I admit it I f***ed up. No matter who you were there would have always been something wrong with you and someone better out there. And I wish that I could change that. I wish that I could take back all the times I didn't appreciate you. But I'll tell you right now, that I loved you. I still love you. And it has nothing to do with me; it has nothing to do with how good looking he is. It has to do with you. Because you are sweet, you're endearing, and uncomplicated. And you're so beautiful. I hope that you're happy together. I hope that this works out and that he's everything that you need, because you deserve it. But if he's not, and it ends I'll be there. It's my turn to wait, and I'm going to wait long enough.

Howie:
I want to be Cole! Why can't I be Cole! Why couldn't God have made me Cole! [looks at his therapist] My friends get a haircut with this.

Dennis:
Thanks Betty, you always know just what to say.

Betty:
[not having spoken] It's a gift.

Dennis:
[Cole and Kevin are making out behind the bleachers] Cole...

Cole:
[holds finger up as they continue making out]

Dennis:
You're up in 2.

Cole:
Oh. Thanks Den. [leaves]

Dennis:
[approaches Kevin] Hey.

Kevin:
Hey.

Dennis:
So, still deciding if you're gay?