The Canadian Conspiracy

Narrator:
For three long days and nights, Eugene Levy testified against the Canadian Conspiracy. In exchange for this in-depth interview, Levy demanded police protection, full amnesty from prosecution and a five-picture deal with a major Hollywood studio.

John Candy:
Eugene Levy? I don't know anybody named Eugene Levy.

Leslie Nielsen:
Eugene Levy? No!

Anne Murray:
I don't know Eugene Levy at all.

Dave Thomas:
If Candy says he doesn't know him, that's good enough for me. I don't know him either. Sorry, pal.

[Eugene Levy claims Leslie Nielsen called him and convinced him to stay in the US despite his homesickness for Canada]

Leslie Nielsen:
I called him and told HIM not to leave? I'll tell you something. If I had ever called him for any reason, I'd be calling him to tell him TO LEAVE! And that's the truth of it so you know I'm not lying.

Eugene Levy:
What can I say? Leslie Nielsen is LYING!

Leslie Nielsen:
I did not call Eugene Levy, whoever he may be.

Eugene Levy:
He did.

Leslie Nielsen:
I didn't.

Eugene Levy:
He did.

Leslie Nielsen:
I didn't.

Eugene Levy:
DID!

Leslie Nielsen:
Didn't.

Eugene Levy:
DID!

Leslie Nielsen:
Didn't.

Eugene Levy:
DID!

Leslie Nielsen:
Didn't.

[pause]

Leslie Nielsen:
I never called him.

Eugene Levy:
Well, he's a big fat liar.

[Eugene Levy's interview has wrapped]

Eugene Levy:
I'm sorry, America.

Eugene Levy:
Hey, no hard feelings, eh? [giggles]

Narrator:
[voiceover] *Green* card.

[beat]

Narrator:
Lorne *Greene*

[beat]

Narrator:
Coincidence?

[speaking out as a concerned citizen]

Steve Martin:
And what about Morley Safer? A Canadian. That's right! A *Canadian*! Why is a Canadian doing a job that an American can do just as well?

Narrator:
What about 60 Minutes? Why haven't it's *hard hitting* news stories hit *hard* at the Canadian Conspiracy?

American Reporter:
[interrogation in "60 Minutes" style] What do you know about the Canadian Conspiracy?

Morley Safer:
Canadian Conspiracy. NO COMMENT!

American Reporter:
Mr. Safer. Mr. Safe... MISTER SAFER! We know you're friends with Lorne Greene! Bonanza!

[on whose side she would take]

Anne Murray:
If America went to war with Canada? I'd have to go with Canada.

[after CBS cancelled The Smother's Brothers and Canadian comedian David Steinberg was blamed]

Narrator:
CBS Executives argued that comedy shows had no business poking fun at the Supreme Being. But Trudeau stated privately that he could take a joke as well as the next guy. For Pierre Elliot Trudeau however, the cancellation of The Smother's Brothers was *no laughing matter*.

Canadian Reporter:
Mister Prime Minister, how do you plan to get back at CBS?

Pierre Trudeau:
Just watch me.

Lorne Greene:
There's no connection whatsoever between Lorne Green and Green Card.

Anne Murray:
Well, there *has* to be a connection between Lorne Green and the Green Card. Because all the people I know who have Green Cards know Lorne Greene.

[first lines]

Narrator:
In 1952, Rollo Martins, a junior clerk at U.S. Immigration, uncovered a foreign conspracy aimed straight at the heart of America.

Rollo Martins:
[at a Senate Committee hearing] We're up against an organization, so ruthless and so powerful, it's a wonder we're still alive to talk about it!

American Senator:
What have you found?

Rollo Martins:
I've discovered a plot by international spies who will stop at nothing!

Narrator:
But America wouldn't listen. For 34 years, Rollo Martins actively continued his investigation, and has arrived at this astonishing conclusion...

Rollo Martins:
[in a psychiatric hospital, wearing a straightjacket] We're up against an organization, so ruthless and so powerful, it's a wonder we're still alive to talk about it!

Narrator:
Rollo Martins, the first American victim of the Canadian Conspiracy!

[after seeing footage about the CBC's methods of indoctrination]

Susan Clark:
[clearly under duress] The G... Government organization that made my whole c... career in California possible was... unquestionably... M... Mother CBC.

Martin Short:
We all used to have pet names for the CBC. I just used to call it... Papa.

Alan Thicke:
Well, the CBC was a great opportunity for me. It's the best training ground in the World.

Narrator:
WHAT is Leslie Nielsen hiding from the American public?

American:
What's going on? We have a right to know the truth!

Leslie Nielsen:
All right, I'm going to level with you all. The most important thing is that you remain *calm*. There is *no reason* to panic.

[as he continues speaking, his nose continues to grow]

Narrator:
WHO is Leslie Nielsen trying to PROTECT?

[cut to Erik Nielsen, Deputy Prime Minister of Canada and Minister of Defence]

Narrator:
*Lorne* Michaels.

[beat]

Narrator:
*Lorne* Greene.

[beat]

Narrator:
Coincidence?