The Cheap Detective

Lou Peckinpaugh:
This signature's been tampered with. Your name isn't Denise Manderley, is it?

Mrs. Montenegro:
No. It's Wanda Coleman.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
Then why does your driver's license say Gilda Dabney?

Mrs. Montenegro:
I believe my life is in danger; that's why I've taken so many precautions. My real name is... Chloe Lamar.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
Well, thank you, Miss Lamar. I appreciate your honesty. Now can you tell me why you let yourself in with this passkey to search my office? What is it that you were looking for?

Mrs. Montenegro:
Uh, to be perfectly frank, your bathroom.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
I don't have any.

Mrs. Montenegro:
Yes! I found that out a little too late...

Lou Peckinpaugh:
All right, can we stop playing games now? It isn't Manderley, or Coleman, or Dabney, or even Lamar, is it? The initials on this handkerchief are A.P. - what does A.P. stand for?

Mrs. Montenegro:
Alma Chalmers.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
Chalmers begins with a C! This is a P!

Mrs. Montenegro:
Palmers. Alma Palmers.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
You give me the runaround one more time and I'm going to slap you around this office. I don't care what your name is any more. Just make one up, so I know what to call you!

Mrs. Montenegro:
Vivian Purcell.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
That's better.

Mrs. Montenegro:
Carmen Montenegro. That's my last one, I promise!

Marlene DuChard:
I now know that what was, was, and can never be was again.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
Your husband's dead a little over an hour and you're already dressed in black? How long you had that outfit waiting in the closet?

Georgia Merkle:
You're wrong. I just bought it. There's an all-night widow shop at Fifth and Geary.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
Are you sure the police didn't follow you here?

Georgia Merkle:
I'm positive. They came with me.

[the door opens and the police come in]

Lou Peckinpaugh:
This is definitely our last date, Georgia.

Lieutenant DiMaggio:
Mind answering a few questions downtown, Lou?

Lou Peckinpaugh:
We *are* downtown.

Lieutenant DiMaggio:
[thinks a moment] Then this will be fine.

Lieutenant DiMaggio:
What did you and Merkle argue about last Monday night?

Georgia Merkle:
It's all right. Tell them, darling.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
Don't call me darling in front of the police with a dead husband.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
Being a private eye may not be much, but we do have a code of honor. It's all right to fool around with your partner's wife, but once he's dead it makes it all so dirty. That's the way it is, angel. You marry yourself a nice guy, have a couple of swell kids. Once you're all set up and happy, maybe we can fool around again.

Betty DeBoop:
Hello, Fred, I was hoping you'd drop by.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
The name is Lou, and we've never met.

Betty DeBoop:
Let's not get in a sweat about details. - Aren't you going to light my fire?

Lou Peckinpaugh:
Certainly. [He lights her cigarette] I was just looking over your kindling wood.

Betty DeBoop:
If you're not busy, Fred, I get off at two. Don't you think two's a good time to get off on?

Marlene DuChard:
Paul... are you sure we ought to be here?

Paul DuChard:
There is nothing to worry about, my dear - we're in England now!

Marlene DuChard:
No, Paul. This is America.

Paul DuChard:
[looking around] Oh yes, America.

Marlene DuChard:
We should've gone to a doctor, Paul. I'm not sure I got all that bullet out of your head.

Paul DuChard:
Oh, ch?rie... It doesn't matter. It's the thought that counts.

Colonel Schlissel:
What a pleasant surprise, Mr. DuChard.

Paul DuChard:
So, the Black Fox and the Silver Wolf meet again, eh?

Colonel Schlissel:
And of course, you remember the Gray Rabbit and the Blue Chipmunk.

Paul DuChard:
May I present my wife Marlene.

Colonel Schlissel:
The White Swan! Of course! It is always the most courageous of men who wins the most beautiful women, but it is only the ruthless who get to keep them.

Marlene DuChard:
And it is a thousand candles that will burn for every brave soldier that marches to the steps of the drums of liberty, so that tyranny will never trample the spirit of freedom in the hearts of men, throughout a world thrown into darkness and despair.

Colonel Schlissel:
Well spoken - whatever it means. Ah, may I present Miss DeBoop, like yourselves a well-built exile?

Betty DeBoop:
Hi, honey. Don't let the Heinie get you down.

Marlene DuChard:
It is despots and tryants who run our rivers red with the colors of a hundred trampled flags that unfurl in the winds of liberty, blowing over centuries of deprivation...

Paul DuChard:
It's all right, darling, we made our point.

Marlene DuChard:
...where men who have known treachery and treason can still light torches in the caves of honor...

Lou Peckinpaugh:
Hello, Marlene. Long time no see.

Marlene DuChard:
Hello, Louis. No see in long time.

[Marlene slaps Lou]

Paul DuChard:
Anything wrong?

Lou Peckinpaugh:
Oh, no, no. No, it's, uh, my mistake here, uh. For a second here I thought that this young lady was a girl that I knew in France; I was wrong; the girl I know is dead.

Paul DuChard:
Oh, a natural error, monsieur. My wife has been mistaken for dead girls by many men.

[Marcel comes into Lou's room and sees Betty in her underwear]

Marcel:
I'm sorry, I thought you were alone.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
I tried it that way. It's not as much fun alone.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
You can pay, of course.

Paul DuChard:
Ah, monsieur, we, we're not wealthy people. We lost over four million francs betting on the war.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
Who'd you have?

Marcel:
We took France - at eight to five.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
I'm using rented bullets for my gun. We all got problems.

Jasper Blubber:
You drink, of course?

Lou Peckinpaugh:
Why not?

Jasper Blubber:
One gin sling!

Lou Peckinpaugh:
I'd rather have a brandy.

Jasper Blubber:
Won Jin Sling is the *waiter*. One brandy, Won Jin Sling.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
This is a gin sling!

Jasper Blubber:
It is? I was wrong - the waiter's name is Brandy.

Jasper Blubber:
The murderer is a Rumanian sailor by the name of Vladimir Tserijemiwtz.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
Can you say that again?

Jasper Blubber:
Not without spitting. - Well, sir, I have spent sixteen years, and every penny I have, sir, tracking this man down, and at last I have found him! He is here in San Francisco, just as sure as you're sitting there. He's changed his name by making an anagram out of his original name. Seven years I've tried to unscramble it, to no avail.

Jasper Blubber:
We should leave separately. Makes more sense if I go first.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
Why is that?

Jasper Blubber:
Then I don't get stuck with the check.

Bess:
You have a visitor in there, a Miss Sophie De Vega.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
Pretty?

Bess:
Prettier than me, but I'm easier.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
I'm saving you for the rainy season.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
Miss De Vega, I presume.

Mrs. Montenegro:
Mr. Peckinpaugh, you look startled.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
Oh, no, it's just that, uh, you look like... fourteen other dames that was here the other night.

Mrs. Montenegro:
Yes, I know. They were my sister.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
Well, that explains the resemblance.

Mrs. Montenegro:
Not to me - she was adopted!

Lou Peckinpaugh:
Yeah? Well, so am I, but... I don't look like your sister either.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
You mean you married your own father?

Mrs. Montenegro:
It's not like you think. It was a simple wedding, done very tastefully.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
I'm sure it was. If you could just give me his name...

Mrs. Montenegro:
Vladimir Tserijemiwtz.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
Vladimir Tserijemiwtz. How do you spell that?

Mrs. Montenegro:
I'm not sure. Well, we were never that close.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
Don't call me for three days, and when you do, use your real name. By the way, what is it?

Mrs. Montenegro:
Mary Jones. I swear it, Lou.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
Well, change it. It sounds phony.

Marlene DuChard:
Did you think my heart didn't stop last night in the club when I saw you standing there?

Lou Peckinpaugh:
I almost forgot what you looked like. Day by day I erased your face from my mind, little by little, till all I had left... was your right ear and three front teeth on the bottom.

Marlene DuChard:
I still carry your picture in my locket. Naturally, I had to cut off your head in case Paul found it.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
Suddenly it all seems as though it was yesterday. I stood in that train station, I waited for you for over six hours. Then when your letter came, it started to rain. And I opened it, and the ink ran all over the page. The most important letter of my life... I still don't know what the hell it said!

Marlene DuChard:
It said: "Dear Louis, I love you more than life itself. But to run off with you now, when my country is in danger, would be an act of cowardice. I'm marrying Paul DuChard, because - " and that's all I can remember.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
You can't remember why you married him?

Marlene DuChard:
That letter was written a long time ago - I've written thousands of letters since!

Lou Peckinpaugh:
What you you doing here?

Betty DeBoop:
I missed my boat.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
It doesn't sail until tomorrow!

Betty DeBoop:
So I missed it a little early.

Bess:
Hold onto your hat. Vladimir Tserijemiwtz is Ezra C.V. Mildew Dezire Jr.!

Lou Peckinpaugh:
Wait a minute. Tserijemiwtz has two T's. The name you come up with don't have none.

Bess:
That was the whole key. Some people spell the Czar of Russia T-S-A-R. But in America we spell it C-Z-A-R.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
Any fool knows that.

Bess:
So when I tried the American spelling, I came up with Ezra...

Bess, Lou Peckinpaugh:
...C.V. Mildew Dezire Jr.!

Lou Peckinpaugh:
Of course! - Who the hell is he?

Bess:
The owner of the Golden Gate Bridge.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
Right. You did fine, angel. Now forget you ever heard that name. Don't ever repeat it to anyone.

[the phone rings]

Bess:
[into phone] Hello? - Yes, he is. Who's calling, please? [to Lou] It's him! Ezra C.V. Mildew Dezire Jr.!

Lou Peckinpaugh:
I told you not to repeat it!

Jezebel Dezire:
See anything you like? I'm Jezebel Dezire - accent on the "desire."

Lou Peckinpaugh:
How do you do? I'm Peck Loukinpaugh.

Jezebel Dezire:
[giggling] Don't worry. I do that to everyone... even to myself.

Jezebel Dezire:
Won't you join me in a little drinkie? What's your pleasure?

Lou Peckinpaugh:
Uh, what you got there looks good.

Jezebel Dezire:
I know... but I thought you'd like a little drink first.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
You said on the phone last night, sir, that you thought that I could be of some service to you.

Jezebel Dezire:
Just how good *is* your service?

Lou Peckinpaugh:
I try to satisfy.

Jezebel Dezire:
Do you charge by the hour or by the satisfaction?

Lou Peckinpaugh:
Now why did he call me last night?

Jezebel Dezire:
He thinks I'm cheating on him. He wants you to find out who the man is. Some of my jewelry is missing; Ezra thinks I gave it to my lover.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
Did you give it to him?

Jezebel Dezire:
Everything *but* my jewelry.

Jezebel Dezire:
Just, mmm, a few trinkets and bourbles.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
Trinkets and what?

Jezebel Dezire:
Bourbles. You know, like "bourbles and bangles."

Lou Peckinpaugh:
The word you're looking for, Mrs. Dezire, is "baubles." If you were an American you would know that. But the fact is, it's only Romanians that pronounce it "bourbles"! And that's why it's difficult for you, isn't it - Mrs. Vladimir Tserijemiwtz?

Jezebel Dezire:
Oooh, ungh! [now with heavy accent] I told you we would not get away with it! I told you it was stupid idea! I told you I could not say "bourbles"! You are pretty fast on your tippy-toes, Mr. Peckinbush!

Ezra Dezire:
But not quite tippy-toe enough! [draws gun] Yes, Mr. Peckinpaugh. Is very clever how you figured out that I am Vladimir Tsijeremi - Tsijiza - Ts-Tsetsamuncze - Tsetzunseti - It's been so long since I said it, I forgot how to pronounce it! How does it go?

Lou Peckinpaugh:
Tserijemiwtz.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
Don't be stubborn, you crazy Frenchman. Time is on their side!

Bess:
I don't think he's being stubborn - I think he's being dead!

Lou Peckinpaugh:
Just once I'd like to see somebody die *regular* on this case!

Lou Peckinpaugh:
Tell me nothing happened. Even if you lie, I'll believe you.

Betty DeBoop:
Nothing happened.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
It sounds worse than before.

Jasper Blubber:
And what is the charge, may I ask?

Lieutenant DiMaggio:
The murder of Floyd Merkle and five unimportant people.

Paul DuChard:
You, uh, you went to his apartment that night, didn't you?

Marlene DuChard:
[slowly] Yes. I'm sorry, Paul. How long have you known Louis and I are lovers?

Paul DuChard:
I didn't know until you told me just now. I thought you went there looking for me!

Marlene DuChard:
Yes. That's why I went there. I made up the part about us being lovers because I know you don't like me looking for you.

Paul DuChard:
Oh.

Colonel Schlissel:
We can still make it if we hurry! Schnell, schnell!

Schnell:
Yes sir?

Colonel Schlissel:
I wasn't talking to you, Schnell, I was staying "faster" to him in German.

Schnell:
I understand.

Colonel Schlissel:
One minute to midnight! Schnell!

Schnell:
Yes sir?

Colonel Schlissel:
Uh... look. English! We speak only English from now on, no more German.

Schnell:
Yes sir.

Colonel Schlissel:
We'll never make it. Quicker, quicker!

Qvicker:
Yes sir?

Colonel Schlissel:
Not you, Qvicker!

Marcel:
Gentlemen, may I present Miss Betty DeBoop from the Islands?

Colonel Schlissel:
Caribbean or Virgin?

Betty DeBoop:
Well, let's just say I came back a Caribbean.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
[answering phone] Yeah?

Mrs. Montenegro:
Mr. Peckinpaugh, I think I have some information regarding the untimely death of your late, deceased, murdered partner.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
Who is this?

Mrs. Montenegro:
As the Chinese say, never mind. We must be careful; I'm being watched. Can we meet in your office in fifteen minutes?

Lou Peckinpaugh:
All right. What time is it now?

Mrs. Montenegro:
I'd rather not tell you that until I know I can trust you.

[hangs up]

Colonel Schlissel:
You will be given a fair trial. And found guilty.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
No tip. There's been a death in the family.

Cabbie:
I wish it was you!

Lou Peckinpaugh:
[Phone rings. Lou picks it up] Yeah?

Georgia Merkle:
Lou, it's Georgia.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
Oh, hello, Georgia. I just had you on my mind. What's new, kid?

Georgia Merkle:
Floyd is dead.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
Say that again?

Georgia Merkle:
Lou, it's Georgia.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
No, after that.

Georgia Merkle:
Floyd is dead.

Jezebel Dezire:
Why don't you pull up a sofa and sit down?

Betty DeBoop:
You'll be back.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
What makes you think so?

Betty DeBoop:
You forgot the glasses.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
Did you ever stop to worry that I might have killed myself over you?

Marlene DuChard:
And if you had, it would have been easier than what I went through. Sleeping night after night with a man I didn't really love. Feeling his hands on my skin. Watching me undress. Taking baths and showers with me. Making me wear all sorts of...

Lou Peckinpaugh:
All right, I got the picture. I heard it. Let's go on to something new.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
No point crying over spilt husbands.

Sergeant Rizzuto:
He was shot clean as a whistle. He was dead two minutes before he stopped talking.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
No, I think they got you.

Ezra Dezire:
Hey. Look at that hole. Oh, boy.

Lou Peckinpaugh:
See ya around, Slinky!

Lou Peckinpaugh:
How do you stand yourself?

Pepe Damascus:
It isn't easy. No hotel will take me for the entire night.