The Comedy of Terrors

Felix Gillie:
Mr. Tremble...

Waldo Trumbull:
Trumbull.

Felix Gillie:
I SAID "Tremble".

John F. Black, Esq.:
[repeated line upon waking up from his "death"] What place is THIS?

Amos Hinchley:
[giving eulogy for John F. Black] And so, my friends, we find ourselves gathered around the bier of Mrs... er... Mr... You Know Whom... this litter of sorrow, this cairn, this cromlech, this dread dochma, this gart, this mastaba, this sorrowing tope, this unhappy tumulus, this, this... what is the word?... this... er, coffin! Never could think of that word. Requiescat in Pace, Mr... um... Mr... the memory of your good deeds will not perish with your untimely sepulture.

Waldo Trumbull:
Get away from me!

Amaryllis Trumbull:
Am I so repulsive?

Waldo Trumbull:
That's the word, yes.

Amaryllis Trumbull:
Couldn't you find it in your heart to love me, Waldo?

Waldo Trumbull:
Get up, you're sitting on my money!

Amaryllis Trumbull:
So you reject me?

Waldo Trumbull:
As long as there's liquor in the house!

John F. Black, Esq.:
[as he's dying again] "Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more..."

Waldo Trumbull:
I'll believe that when I see it.

Felix Gillie:
[talking about Amarylliis' singing during Mr. Black's funeral service] I wish she would have picked another song.

Waldo Trumbull:
I wish her vocal cords would snap.

Waldo Trumbull:
[realizing he's been cheated of his fee by Mrs. Phipps] Is there no morality left in this world?

Waldo Trumbull:
To... uh... paraphrase the venerable adage: we shall kill two birds, with one... pillow.

Felix Gillie:
[They're hiding from the rampaging Mr. Black] It's better in the dark.

Waldo Trumbull:
What is? Decapitation?

Waldo Trumbull:
[gesturing toward the body of Mr. Phipps] I'm afraid, madam, he has made his final journey towards that stygian shore.

Mrs. Phipps:
[blankly] What?

Waldo Trumbull:
[pause, then sharply] He's dead.

Amaryllis Trumbull:
If my father chose to spend his hard-earned money in the collection of curious objects...

Waldo Trumbull:
[interrupting] He did more than collect curious objects, madam, he also fathered one!

Felix Gillie:
[to Mr. Trumbull, referring to Mr. Black] I don't think he's quite dead enough to bury.

John F. Black, Esq.:
[who has just awakened from a cataleptic trance in the mortuary basement] Mr. Trumbull... this man... what am I doing here?

Waldo Trumbull:
[who has recovered from his shock] Well, you're here because you're dead, Mr. Black.

John F. Black, Esq.:
The hell I am!

Waldo Trumbull:
Oh yes, Mr. Black, quite dead. Everybody knows it... except apparently you.

John F. Black, Esq.:
What jiggery-pockery is this?

Waldo Trumbull:
Oh, not jiggery-pockery, Mr. Black. Hinchley and Trumbull, Funeral Parlor.

John F. Black, Esq.:
[realizing what Trumbull means] You wouldn't dare!

Waldo Trumbull:
[pause, then] Have we a choice, Mr. Black?

John F. Black, Esq.:
[fighting to get out of the coffin into which Trumbull and Gillie have put him and which they are fighting to keep closed] Let me out of here!

Waldo Trumbull:
We most certainly will NOT let you out of here, sir!

John F. Black, Esq.:
Confound you, sir!

Waldo Trumbull:
Confound you too, sir! Will you KINDLY have the goodness to die?

John F. Black, Esq.:
NEVER!

Felix Gillie:
[he and Trumbuill are sitting on the coffin, trying to keep it closed and referring to Mr. Black, who's inside the coffin] For a man in his condition, he has a lot of energy!

Waldo Trumbull:
The stubborn old crackpot! I could have sworn that he was dead!

Felix Gillie:
It's about time!

Waldo Trumbull:
I've never had such an uncooperative customer in my life!

Felix Gillie:
[stuck on a roof] Why did I ever escape from prison? It was so peaceful there.

Waldo Trumbull:
[to Mr. Gillie while giving him a boost up] *What did you step in?*

Felix Gillie:
[after Amaryllis' singing has caused glasses to break, flowers to wither, and corks to pop out of bottles] Just like a nightingale

Waldo Trumbull:
[to a stuffed bear] What are you grinning at?

Waldo Trumbull:
[during the struggle with Mr. Black] He bit me! The son-of-a bit me!

Felix Gillie:
And what if I tell them the truth and say it was all your idea in the first place?

Waldo Trumbull:
Mr. Gillie... Felix... friend... I put it to you, who in your discerning estimation are the police most likely to believe, hm? Mr. W. Trumble, respected local citizen and entrepreneur of death, or Mr. Felix Gillie... wanted fugitive and confessed bank robber?

Felix Gillie:
I never confessed! [pause, then] They just proved it.

Amaryllis Trumbull:
Don't you think you've had...

Waldo Trumbull:
Shut your mouth. Women! As soon put your trust in them as put a pistol to your head.

Amaryllis Trumbull:
You really should...

Waldo Trumbull:
Be Still!

Waldo Trumbull:
[Impatiently waiting for Gillie to pick the lock of a heavy door] You having a little trouble, Mr. Gillie?

Felix Gillie:
Oh, this dirty lock was never meant for picking.

Waldo Trumbull:
Well, why don't you take an axe, and chop it open?

Felix Gillie:
[Getting angry] Nobody, but nobody, tells Gillie what to do with locks!

Waldo Trumbull:
[Amused] No, I take it back. What you need is a keg of gunpowder.

Felix Gillie:
Hey, I have an idea... Maybe there is a bolt on the inside?

Waldo Trumbull:
There's a "bolt" on the inside of your head, Mr. Gillie, and it's LOOSE!

Waldo Trumbull:
Allow me, Madam, in this moment of your most desolate bereavement to lift from your sorrow-laden shoulders the burdens and tasks of exequiem sepulcher.

Mrs. Phipps:
[confused] What?

Waldo Trumbull:
I'll bury him for you.