The Emperor's New Clothes

Nicole 'Pumpkin' Truchaut:
I bought it from a lawyer who went bankrupt.

Napoleon Bonaparte:
Well, that's something. I didn't know that was possible.

[Men are repossessing her furniture, more specifically the sofa]

Nicole 'Pumpkin' Truchaut:
My husband died on that sofa!

[pause. Men carry the sofa out of the house, then go towards the chair]

Nicole 'Pumpkin' Truchaut:
[rushing over] My husband died in that chair!

Nicole 'Pumpkin' Truchaut:
[whispering] You are my Napoleon.

[Napoleon slips outside Pumpkin's door and hits his head on the cobblestones]

Nicole 'Pumpkin' Truchaut:
Sergeant! Sergeant Lenormand, are you all right? Can you hear me?

[No response]

Dr. Lambert:
Listen to me. How many fingers can you see?

[No response]

Nicole 'Pumpkin' Truchaut:
What is your name?

Napoleon Bonaparte:
Emperor Napoleon.

Napoleon Bonaparte:
Six years of English cooking... six years of staring at these dreary walls... and at your gloomy face. You're quite ugly, did you know that? I haven't had the heart to tell you.

Louis Marchand:
Yes, sire.

[Napoleon looks at his double, Eugene, a lowly deckhand - both characters played by Ian Holm]

Napoleon Bonaparte:
What are we going to do?

Montholon:
Sire?

Napoleon Bonaparte:
Well, he looks *nothing* like me.

Napoleon Bonaparte:
They've changed my battlefield.

Napoleon Bonaparte:
I had rather sleep in the gutter than spend one night under an inhospitable roof!

Napoleon Bonaparte:
I am a man who can be killed, but not insulted!

Captain Nicholls:
Let us understand each other. Either this is Napoleon, in which case we have all nobly performed our duty, and may look forward to a well-deserved retirement in England at the expense of the British Crown. Or this is an imposter, and you have colluded in the most heinous fraud of all time, the suitable punishment for which I can only guess at. While I, I have allowed the Monster of Europe to slip through my fingers and escape from this island on my watch. ON MY WATCH! Gentlemen... what we have here is a dead emperor.

Napoleon Bonaparte:
I am not Eugene! Eugene Lenormand is nothing! A nobody!

Nicole 'Pumpkin' Truchaut:
He is everything to me.

Napoleon Bonaparte:
I am Napoleon!

Nicole 'Pumpkin' Truchaut:
No, you're not Napoleon! I hate Napoleon! He's filled France with widows and orphans! He took my husband! I won't let him take you.

Montholon:
You will of course be traveling incognito...

Napoleon Bonaparte:
Yes, of course incognito, but in what capacity will I be traveling?

Montholon:
Uh... a galley hand.

[Napoleon glares]

Montholon:
It is in the utmost need, Sire.

Napoleon Bonaparte:
Even so, surely something above decks would have been more appropriate.

Eugene:
My guts have been troubling me of late.

Montholon:
Perhaps Your Royal Highness would not suffer such pains if he did not sit around on his fat arse all day, stuffing his face like a pig.

Eugene:
[through a mouthful of sweets] I wish to consult a doctor.

Montholon:
Do you indeed?

Eugene:
An Italian doctor. No, German! The best there is!

Montholon:
You'll have your doctor when you've done your duty, not before.

[Eugene reaches for another sweet]

Montholon:
[shouts] And stop stuffing your damn face!

[Eugene stands up abruptly, gasping, and keels over]

[first lines]

Napoleon Bonaparte:
No, that's not it. That's not right. Let me tell you what really happened...

[last lines]

Napoleon Bonaparte:
I have a message for Sergeant Justin Bommell.

Gendarme:
You wish to speak with him?

Napoleon Bonaparte:
Just the message. And I'd like to leave this.

[puts a box on the counter; the gendarme looks inside and sees an Imperial Guard uniform]

Gendarme:
You were here before, weren't you? I recognize you.

Napoleon Bonaparte:
The message should read, "Eugene Lenormand is dead..." [the gendarme starts to write] No, not that. [thinks for a moment] "Eugene Lenormand... has moved on. He left this to remember him by."