The Even Stevens Movie

Louis:
Ren, I'm your brother, and I love messin' with you. But I would never do anything to hurt you.

Louis:
This morning, I thought I saw a cheeseburger doing yoga!

Ren:
We're tired, we're hungry, and we just got attacked by a killer squirrel!

Louis:
You stole my food... and my shirt?

Ren:
Well, you can sleep in the rain tonight!

Louis:
We can... and we will!

Ren:
This would be such a great moment if this syrup wasn't so thick!

[Beans farts in Louis's face]

Louis:
Oh... mother of pearl, Beans! MOTHER OF PEARL! OH WOW!

Beans:
Sorry! I'm a little gassy in the morning!

Beans:
[to Steve] Wanna go skinny dippin'?

Steve:
That's my little girl up there!

Donnie:
I know, Dad, I'm her brother.

Gil:
Ren, are you upset?

Ren:
You dump me in a pancake house, and you wonder if I'm upset?

Steve:
Stop it! Would the two of you get along for five minutes, please?

Louis:
No!

Ren:
No way!

[about the slug the tribal people offered the Stevens family to eat]

Miles McDermott:
Havin' trouble gettin' it down, huh?

Louis:
[spits slug out on Beans' head] I, uh... I generally try to avoid snacks that leave a trail of slime.

Louis:
So, you say bye to Jason?

Ren:
Yeah, for now. Hey... thank you. This time you didn't ruin things so bad.

[Louis has a remote control beach ball flying around the graduation]

Louis:
Now time... for the confetti.

[Presses button]

Beans:
Confetti? I thought you said...

[Beach ball full of spaghetti explodes]

Beans:
...Spaghetti!

Louis:
Beans, your lack of listening skills have finally paid off!

Steve:
Whoa, careful kids! You don't wanna break anything!

Ren:
[evilly] Oh yes... I do.

[Tom was singing "Blow the Man Down"]

Twitty:
Tom! TOM! It's getting dark, and I'm getting seasick so I want a little less singing, and little more sailing, OKAY?

Tom Gribalski:
Well, excuse me, Benedict Twitty! If you don't like a good sea shanty, maybe you should take the bus to Cadelona!

Mootai:
Your mother and brothers are feasting as we speak.

Ren:
Feasting?

Mootai:
It's like eating, but with bigger plates.

Miles McDermott:
[as Ren is chasing Louis through the forest with a spear, on camera] Don't worry. She wouldn't hurt him.

Ren:
I'm gonna hurt you, Louis!

Ren:
[about to shove Louis over a cliff] I cannot tell you how long I have waited for this day...

Louis:
WAIT A LITTLE BIT LONGER!

Louis:
[pulls out second chair] [to Tawny] Come sit next to papa.

Tom Gribalski:
I'll sit next to papa any time!

Lance LeBow:
You know, we put this prank together in a matter of just a couple of hours thanks to family friends, Alan Twitty and Tawny Dean Now, what prompted you two to call Gotcha with this great prank?

Twitty:
Uhh... guilt and shame.

Tawny Dean:
Okay, I would like to say that embarrassing innocent people on TV for fun and profit is one of the lowest, disgusting...

[Tawny and cameraman fight over the camera]

Tawny Dean:
Gimme that!

[after learning the islanders' tiki goddesses' name]

Eileen Stevens:
[to Miles] Oprah?

Miles McDermott:
It's a coincidence.

Tom Gribalski:
The technology is amazing.

Twitty:
It's your masterpiece!

Tawny Dean:
Are you really gonna sit in this thing all summer?

Louis:
Hold on, hold on! Don't call her a "thing!" She's my ultra-loungematic superchair. [push a button so that an arm gives him a soda. He drinks of it]

Twitty:
Sweet!

Louis:
[belches] Watch this, watch this. [pushing down another button so the machine quivers and gives him massage] Like a thousand tiny fingers working all the right parts.

Tawny Dean:
You've brought laziness to an art form. [Louis pushes another button]

The Ultra-Loungematic Superchair:
Thank-you. Taw-ny.

Louis:
Hold on. Okay, you know this is boring, and you just wanna go because you broke up with your stupid boyfriend and want to get away.

Ren:
And you just wanna stay here and sit on your stupid chair.

Donnie:
Do they have cable?

Miles McDermott:
Son, the beauty of Mandelino is there is no modern convenience of any kind.

Donnie:
Guys, this sounds kinda cool. I mean, I can run on the beach, get into football shape...

Louis:
Donnie, come on! You can run here and get in shape here. Please.

Eileen Stevens:
You know, Steve, this could be a wonderful family adventure. It could be everything we've been hoping for.

Louis:
No, Mom, listen... Listen, here's an adventure: You can stay here at home and give me breakfast and do my laundry, and that'll be an adventure. Dad, come on! Dad, listen. Dad... CAN SOMEBODY PUT A STOP TO THE MADNESS, PLEASE!

Twitty:
Tom?

Tom Gribalski:
Ahoy, mateys! What brings you landlubbers down to the salty brine?

Twitty:
Speak English, please?

Tom Gribalski:
Oh, excuse me... Whass'up...?

Twitty:
Well, it's all our fault... [Twitty stops guiltily. Tawny stare at him] Uh, all my fault... I set them up.

Tom Gribalski:
I'm doubly appalled.

Tawny Dean:
You could help us, Tom. And you could help Louis.

Tom Gribalski:
Well, Louis is my friend... when it suits him. And I can accept that. What can I do?

Twitty:
Can you sail this tub to Catalona?

Donnie:
How could you steal all our food?

Ren:
As usual, Donnie, you have everything backwards.

Donnie:
ARE YOU CALLING ME STUPID?

Ren:
No. I am calling you a liar!

Louis:
You guys had to get back at us, huh? Thank you!

Beans:
But we got the evidence! How do you explain this, Louis?

Louis:
You stole my food... AND MY SHIRT? Gimme that, you little worm-eating...!

Ren:
Don't you talk to him like that!

Louis:
What, is Beansy your little boyfriend now, Ren?

Ren:
You don't have the right to talk! You caused all the trouble and you ate all the food!

Eileen Stevens:
Okay, enough. Enough, kids. Stop. You kids shouldn't fight just because your father's trying to teach me a lesson.

Steve:
And what would that be?

Eileen Stevens:
Look, Steve, I know that you're upset since you've been out of work and that you are trying to prove to Ren and Beans that you can put food in their mouths.

Steve:
What?

Eileen Stevens:
But couldn't you leave a little something for us?

Steve:
Don't twist this around! There wasn't a crumb of food left when we got up there! It's almost like you're trying to make me look bad!

Eileen Stevens:
Now you are losing it.

Steve:
DON'T TELL ME I'M LOSING IT!

Eileen Stevens:
Don't you yell in front of my family!

Steve:
IT'S MY FAMILY TOO!

Louis:
Hold on, hold on. Mom, we don't need them. We don't need them! We'll be fine on our own, thank you.

Ren:
Oh, really? Well, you can sleep out in the rain tonight!

Louis:
WE CAN AND WE WILL!

Twitty:
Okay, I'll tell you guys again: I've never met the Stevens family, okay? My name is Lawrence Honeytoast, I'm a marine biologist, and I'm here on top-secret government business.

Ruby:
[when Ren kiss Mootai] That is so beautiful

Monique Taylor:
Gee, maybe you forgot... It's not real!

Ruby:
Who cares? It's so romantic.

Miles McDermott:
This is gonna be sweet!

Twitty:
I'll show you sweet.

Louis:
[to Miles] Gotcha!

Louis:
Wanna sit right here next to papa? [Tawny looks at him, but then smiles and walks towards the plane]