The Grand Seduction

Murray French:
Who wants to work again?

Murray French:
What age are you, Paul?

Dr. Lewis:
Twenty-nine, now. Why?

Murray French:
Just my son would be ab... close to your age about now.

Murray French:
This is it. I'm leavin'. Will you come visit me in town?

Simon:
Nope.

Murray French:
Simon...

Simon:
I'm afraid of flying.

Murray French:
Yeah, well drive down.

Simon:
I don't drive.

Dr. Lewis:
So, uh, I been drinkin'.

Kathleen:
That's exactly what a girl wants to hear when a stranger knocks on her door in the middle of the night.

Dr. Lewis:
Well, I... I asked where you lived. So, I just... I just wanted to apologize.

Kathleen:
At ten o'clock?

Dr. Lewis:
What, is there some kind of curfew here for apologies?

Henry Tilley:
I'm gonna lose my job over this.

Murray French:
How was your first day?

Dr. Lewis:
Busy. Yeah. Real busy, Murray.

Henry Tilley:
'Cause the doctor might find it a bit peculiar they're all dressed up as cricket players, and we're playing with equipment that looks like cricket equipment, but we have absolutely no idea how to play cricket!

Murray French:
Enjoy our beautiful harbour.

Simon:
[watching a cricket match on TV] It's like watching baseball, only longer.

[first lines]

Murray French:
When I was a boy, Tickle Head was a proud fishing harbor. Back then, people from Tickle Head were strong, dignified, brave. Their days were filled with purpose. By no means was this life for the faint of heart, for the weak or the lazy, but as I look back now, I can truly say life was a thing of beauty.

Murray French:
[handing out info] Okay. Now, it is your civic duty to study these rules. We must all become cricket aficionados. Hand 'em out there. Here we go. It's kinda like baseball, but it's only got two bases and, uh, no one wears gloves.

Henry Tilley:
[looking at the pictures] One guy wears a glove.

Murray French:
One guy wears a glove.

Dr. Lewis:
[puking over the side of the boat] It's this fresh air. I just... I'm just used to, like, this dense, dense smog, you know? It's why I never left the city. I get these anxiety attacks when I'm not mugged by a homeless person on a daily basis, you know?

Murray French:
[at town gathering] Are you all completely mad? The doctor said he saw forty-three patients in one day. He said he witnessed things he'd never seen before in his entire medical career. He said, and I quote, "I felt like I'd been transported back to medieval times."

Vera:
Wouldn't be too much, would it, if I asked what in the name of God you're doing here in our bed?

Murray French:
Sorry. I know it's after office hours.

Vera:
It's not so much the time that bothers me as the fact that we're all here in bed together. It's the whole threesome thing I'm not that comfortable with.

Simon:
Now, now, now, he doesn't drop by that often.

Murray French:
Yeah, well, the truth is, it's been years since the fishing dried up here. Years! We line up every month and collect welfare checks. You ever collect welfare, Paul? Well, you collect more than your money, let me tell you that much. You collect shame. You collect a good deal of shame. Money only lasts fifteen days, but you get enough shame to last a whole month - and it's killin' us.

Murray French:
[narrating] None of us got rich, but we're comfortable again. We can take holidays, send our kids back to university or trade school, but the most important thing the people of Tickle Head have now is our pride.

[last lines]

Murray French:
[voiceover] I can't begin to explain the joy we feel at the end of the day just to be... a little tired.

Barbara French:
Mm, Murray.

Towns People:
[sounds of sexual pleasure all around the village, followed by one collective... ] Ahh.

Murray French:
[voiceover] True happiness.

Mayor Tom Fitzpatrick:
I offered them full tax exemption forever, and I threw in your daughter's virginity.

Henry Tilley:
What the hell are you talkin' about?

Simon:
Oh, Henry, Tom is pulling your leg. Everyone knows Lucy gave that away long ago.

Henry Tilley:
It's... it's... it's nowhere nears bein' a done deal.

Murray French:
I didn't say "done deal."

Henry Tilley:
Yeah, you said "done deal."

Murray French:
Well, I need people to believe in this.

Henry Tilley:
Yep, but it's a lie.

Murray French:
Well, right now, lies is all we got.

Murray French:
Every detail is important. Oh... for example, Mr. Mayor said the doctor loves cricket.

Henry Tilley:
"Cricket" cricket?

Simon:
Yeah.

Henry Tilley:
That's disgusting. I mean, sushi is bad enough.

Murray French:
No. Cricket - the sport. Cricket.

Simon:
The sport, for God's sake. The sport.

Henry Tilley:
What, do they, like, race 'em?

Murray French:
Who here has a case of creeping athlete's foot?

Murray French:
[laying in bed with Simon and Vera] Simon.

Simon:
Who is it?

Murray French:
The tooth fairy.

Simon:
[chuckles] Well, you're fifty-five years too late, and you're... you're uglier than I thought you'd be.