The Green Hornet

Chudnofsky:
I want the head of The Green Hornet and I want it tonight.

[repeated line]

Britt Reid:
Let's roll, Kato!

Britt Reid:
Kato, we have a secret mission.

Kato:
I was born in Shanghai. You know Shanghai?

Britt Reid:
I love Japan.

Chudnofsky:
And so, thunder strikes lightning.

D.A. Frank Scanlon:
You brought a gas mask?

Chudnofsky:
Of course I brought a gas mask!

D.A. Frank Scanlon:
Why only for yourself?

Mike Axford:
You are blowing this guy completely out of proportion.

Britt Reid:
I will blow this guy in any proportion I want!

Britt Reid:
It's not dying that you need be afraid of, it's never having lived in the first place.

Britt Reid:
[grabs a gangster, trying to find out who the gang works for] Who do you work... for...?

Britt Reid:
Girls are a drag. I'm so glad we have each other Kato.

[first lines]

Jack Reid:
[on the phone] Tell the Mayor, I'm insulted. I would never jeopardize the journalistic integrity of this newspaper for some rent-a-mayor's political agenda.

Jack Reid:
[to his son] So Britt, here we are again. Sent home after another schoolyard fight. I know you miss your mother. So do I. But I have to take care of 750 employees, and you have to take care of yourself. Still that seems to be asking too much.

Young Britt:
But I was trying to stop some bullies...

Jack Reid:
Trying doesn't matter if you always fail.

Chudnofsky:
You said I'm boring. My gun has two barrels. That's not boring.

Britt Reid:
You know what you are. You're a human Swiss army knife.

Kato:
I don't know what's that mean?

Britt Reid:
It's a little things, and you keep pulling out things, and just when you think there couldn't be any more cool things, a new cool thing comes out, and that's you! You are even dressed like one. You should have a little plus on your chest.

Lenore Case:
I'm only thirty six.

Britt Reid:
Thirty six? Holy sh*t, I had no idea. I thought you were 31, tops. I don't even know if I can hire a thirty six year old. We'll have to build a ramp, huh?

Britt Reid:
Kato, I want you to take my hand, and I want you to come with me on this adventure.

Kato:
I go with you, but I don't want to touch you.

Tupper:
A grown man wearing a mask is a little scarier than a man wearing a suit.

Chudnofsky:
You're not pleased with my suit? Does it not fill you with fear?

Britt Reid:
Everyone knows, when you corner a hornet, you get stung.

Chudnofsky:
Look, I'm obsolete. I'm a dinosaur. Not in a scary way, in an extinct way.

Lenore Case:
If you ever so much as look at my ass again...

Britt Reid:
I can't even see your ass.

Lenore Case:
I will sue you for sexual harassment. Do you understand?

Britt Reid:
Hugs?

Lenore Case:
[slams her door in his face]

Chudnofsky:
Britt Reid is the Green Hornet!

D.A. Frank Scanlon:
Yeah, I know. You hired a guy to kill himself.

[repeated line]

Chudnofsky:
Now trembled before your death. For be it my mask, or be it your blood, red will be the last color that you'll ever see.

[last lines]

Britt Reid:
The Green Hornet. His reliable partner, the Blue Wombat.

Kato:
[smacks him]

Britt Reid:
Oh! Oh, man. Okay, how about, um, the Red Hippopotamus? No? Not Red Hippopotamus?

Kato:
Hippos are not red.

Britt Reid:
I know. Hornets aren't green. Who cares? The, uh, Orange Albatross.

Danny Crystal Cleer:
How do I pronounce your name? Tchaikovsky?

Chudnofsky:
Chudnofsky.

Danny Crystal Cleer:
Char... Chudofsk... Chowdofsky?

Chudnofsky:
Chud-nof-sky.

Danny Crystal Cleer:
Chudnofsky? All right. Chudnofsky, kiss my ass. Put your lips to my ass and kiss it. French kiss it. Tickle it with your grey whiskers. I got bittersweet news for you. You're washed up. You're old. You're boring. You're not scary. You dress like sh*t. It's over for you, okay. That's the bitter news. Now the sweet news is: You can retire. You can go play golf, eat your dinners at 3:00 in the afternoon, play with your grandkids, drink Metamucil, old people sh*t. Okay?

Danny Crystal Cleer:
[smiles] Look at me. I got a name people can say. My name's Danny Clear. I deal with crystal meth. People call me Crystal Clear. It's easy. Check out my kick-ass hangout here. I got sh*t loads of glass everywhere. I got a see-through piano. Look at my boys. They're pimped out. We got Gucci, Armani, another Gucci, tailor-made. This is what you need to get to the top today. Not hard work. Not looking like Disco Santa Claus. You need charisma. You look like my Uncle Greg. Very nice guy, but, he's a dentist. Now consider this your retirement letter. Boom. It's over. See your way out.

Britt Reid:
What did you think of my father?

Kato:
He was fine.

Britt Reid:
Come on. Just tell me.

Kato:
He was my boss. Nobody loves their boss.

Britt Reid:
Don't sugarcoat this, Kato. You're not gonna offend me. Just tell me, man to man.

Kato:
He was a bit of a dick.

D.A. Frank Scanlon:
[to Britt] I can see by that stupid expression you've had on your face for past five minutes that you're trying to piece this together, but it's no good. You're about to be killed by the Green Hornet.

Kato:
You like your father now?

Britt Reid:
Yes! You see, he wasn't a dick after all. Well, he was a dick, just not really how we thought he was.

Kato:
You shot yourself face by mistake.

Britt Reid:
How long was I out? What time is it?

Kato:
Two o'clock.

Britt Reid:
Oh, that's not so bad.

Kato:
On Thursday.

Britt Reid:
It's Thursday? Are you ki... It's not Monday right now?

Kato:
No. I'm sorry.

Britt Reid:
Did you put this diaper on me? Well, what did I miss?

Kato:
Nothing really. I did some work on the Black Beauties.

Britt Reid:
"Beauties"?

[Britt looks in the garage, sees more "Black Beauty" Chrysler Imperials]

Britt Reid:
Holy crap.

Kato:
They're backups.

Britt Reid:
How the hell did you do this in four days?

Kato:
It's been 11 days.

Britt Reid:
Whoa, 11 days? What? Are kidding me? I wasn't sleeping, I was in a coma, dick!

Kato:
But it's okay now, I fixed the Hornet gas. The gas only lasts one hour.

Britt Reid:
Can I see it?

Kato:
Okay, but be careful this time. Okay?

Britt Reid:
I just want to look at it. Just give it to me for one second...

[shoots the Hornet gas in Kato's face]

Britt Reid:
See you in an hour.

Chudnofsky:
Ha! I'm ungassable!

Kato:
Go be a journalist. I'll kick ass.

Britt Reid:
You're Kato? Man, I thought your name was Henry. I thought the pool guy was Kato.

Kato:
I'm Kato. I'm sorry to hear about your father. He was a...complex man.

Britt Reid:
Yeah. I have two questions for you Kato, and then you can go home. Why is it that my dad's mechanic makes the coffee, and why is it that without you, the coffee tastes like crap?

Kato:
I think it is easier if I show you.

Kato:
I was born in Shanghai. You know Shanghai?

Britt:
Love Japan!

Kato:
My parents died when I was four. And until I was twelve, I lived in an orphanage.

Britt:
Sorry, my mom died when I was young too. What, uh, what happened after that?

Kato:
I made a few friends along the way, lived on the street.

Britt:
How'd you start working for my dad? Tell me about that.

Kato:
I work in a garage, and one day, your father came in a '65 Chrysler.

Britt:
I know the car well.

Kato:
He was so happy with my work, so he offered me a job. I said "yes!"

Britt:
The coffee, how'd that come about?

Kato:
He used to always say "No one can ever make me a good cup of coffee!"

Britt:
Good impression.

Kato:
So I built him the coffee machine.

Britt:
Well, you make one damn fine cup of coffee, sir.