The Inspector General

Kovatch:
Oh, I love my family, but I'd give my six kids to get rid of my wife.

Georgi:
[singing] Drink to me only wi-ith thine eye-eyes / And I will drink with my nose!

The Mayor:
Your Excellency - he took bribes, he drank all my wine, he-he-he yelled out the windows, he even made love to my wife! How could... How could I doubt that he was an Inspector General?

Georgi:
[singing to himself on how to pull off the scam] Be arrogant, be elegant, be smart!

Georgi:
[making up code for "arrogance, elegance, and smarts"] Give 'em the fist, give 'em the wrist, give 'em the finger!

Gregor:
The Inspector General. Yes, he has full power from the Emperor himself. And wherever he finds bribery and corruption, there the gallows and the firing squad go to work. More.

[the newly deposed Mayor of Klimenti is immediately given more wine to calm him]

The Mayor:
What does he look like, this Inspector General?

Gregor:
Who knows? A man of mystery. Five days he was in our midst and no one even suspected it. He went everywhere, saw everything, and uncovered such corruption that even I was shocked.

The Mayor:
The hospital - have you cleaned it up?

Lazlo:
Well, you could eat off the floors. We put sheets on the bed, and we got the goats out of surgery. I put charts on the foot of each patient's bed indicating the nature of their illness.

The Mayor:
Good. Now at least they'll know what they died from.

The Mayor:
[hearing that a stranger's been arrested who might be the Inspector General in disguise] You idiot. Did you search him? Question him?

Kovatch:
Well... it was so near lunchtime.

Turnkey:
This is a nice jail. Really it is. We've had some wonderful hangings here.

Yakov:
May I become a wandering gypsy if I'm not telling the truth.

Georgi:
But you ARE a wandering gypsy.

Yakov:
That proves I'm telling the truth.

Georgi:
[nervously] Oh, I have no wife. None of my family had wives. My father didn't like wives. I mean, my mother didn't like my father's wives.

Yakov:
You'll regret this, you fat-faced village idiot!

The Mayor:
What! You... you... How dare you!

Yakov:
Keep your dirty hands off me, you misbegotten peasants!

The Mayor:
Tie him up!

Yakov:
The Emperor will tear this stinking village down over your ears, you thieving lard-bucket! Heads will roll here like marbles - yours first, and then this flea-ridden sack of nothing you call the Inspector General!

Inspector General:
Oh! Why, he's insane! Take him away! Take him away!

Yakov:
This isn't the Inspector General! Don't make me laugh! The great Emperor wouldn't appoint a thing like this to a post of such importance! THIS is your Inspector General! Here! His carriage, his manner, his bearing. Gentlemen, take your choice.