The League of Gentlemen's Apocalypse

[from trailer]

Wolf Lipp:
I've just come over a little queer.

Geoff Tipps:
[on being tortured] They put me in a box with me coat on... I know, it don't sound much when you say it out loud.

Geoff Tipps:
You my friend are f-u-k-t, f***ed!

Sir Nicholas:
What queer finery he wears.

Geoff Tipps:
I'm not queer, don't bum me!

Geoff Tipps:
Hey! There's an old fella in't toilet!

Bernice:
The League of Gentlemen! Extraordinary!

Pauline:
You can't sh*t a shitter.

Hilary Briss:
[sealing a computer] We don't need the monitor!

Geoff Tipps:
How are we gonna read it then? Braille?

Wolf Lipp:
Pull back your purple skins to reveal your heads!

Wolf Lipp:
I was thinking about emptying the Hoover bag [gulps] The sack is full!

Pauline Campbell-Jones:
This is just a list of Royston Vasey film ideas.

Mark Gatiss:
[reading from the list] "The characters all go on holiday to Spain?"

Pauline Campbell-Jones:
That was mine, actually. Could you imagine this lot goin' on holiday? And then they get there and the hotels not finished, no-one speaks the lingo!

Bernice:
And a giraffe will spunk up over a load of old biddies.

Hilary Briss:
[reading Geoff's revisions of the League's screenplay, "The King's Evil"] ''Geoff Tipps, a clever man with a big cock, comes in and stops the king from being killed. He is a Hero. His cock is big''

Tubbs:
[when Jeremy spots Tubbs using the lavatory] I made a little brown fish.

Bernice:
[inside the confessional] Sometimes do you touch yourself in a way that... seems forbidden?

Extra:
[looks shame-faced at her feet]

Bernice:
I'll take that as a yes. Now love, you might ask what harm can come from a young maiden such as yourself being drawn toward this... attractive Chevalier. To find yourself opening like a beautiful flower in the warmth of the morning sun; enjoying the simple blossoming of womanhood. Bullshit!

Extra:
[looking panic-stricken and confused]

Bernice:
You come in here with your fishy fingers all over my communion wafers, slinging your jelly every hour God sends! Go on - get stuffed! You should be digusted with yourself! Go play stinky pinky somewhere else!

Geoff Tipps:
I've just realized who you are.

Hilary Briss:
Have ya?

Geoff Tipps:
It's you innit? Demon butcherer; Hilary Briss.

Wolf Lipp:
Alles klar! The one with the funny meats.

Geoff Tipps:
You used to put things in your sausages. Killed all them people. [chuckles] 'Ey, I used to eat your pork pies.

Hilary Briss:
They weren't pork.

Geoff Tipps:
I know, I know. It's all bumholes and eyelids, innit? Still nice though [laughs]

Wolf Lipp:
I usually backup on a five inch floppy.

Geoff Tipps:
I bet you do.

Geoff Tipps:
What're ya doing? King! King! There's an old feller in the toilet!

Tom Tit:
'Tis only I sir; Tom Tit.

Geoff Tipps:
Who?

Tom Tit:
Tom Tit, the night soil man. Guardian of the royal stool. It's my function to take away your leavings.

Geoff Tipps:
I can't go with you lookin' up me bum.

Tom Tit:
If I might be so bold sir, there are ways of easing the passage. [singing in falsetto and playing a piano] Come out, come out, reluctant stool. Play not your maker for a fool. Oh, naughty guts, let go your prize. Let's cut this bum egg down to size.