The Mating Habits of the Earthbound Human

Narrator:
Males of the pack sense the progression of the mating dance as well.

The Male's Friend:
F***ed her?

The Male:
F***ed her.

The Male's Friend:
Cool.

Narrator:
The female prepares carefully for her next encounter with the male. She paints her face with berries and chemically processed colors, hiding from the male her natural state, which she hopes to show him at a later time. She uses chemically-altered forms of vegetation to cover parts of her body. Then other forms of vegetation over those. She leaves much of her body uncovered, but is careful to cover the first layer of vegetation. She puts the excretions of small, sea-dwelling creatures through holes in the lobes of her hearing organs, which she had mutilated long ago as a symbol of her entry into womanhood. She pulls a bone out of her skull. She is ready.

The Male:
She always had this mother smell. You know, chicken soup and... floor wax.

Narrator:
They force him to consume large amounts of fermented grain in an attempt to kill him. Unwilling to mate, he is no longer of any use to their species.

Narrator:
The male tries to validate his existence and prove he doesn't need a female to mate. He attempts to devolve into a hermaphrodite and give birth to offspring on his own. [male character vomits] For the male, this will prove ultimately unfulfilling. Although genetically equipped to deliver the placenta... [more vomiting] he is unable to produce the infant itself.

The Male's Friend:
You're going to call her, aren't you?

The Male:
No.

The Male's Friend:
Tell the truth.

The Male:
Okay. You're developing a serious body odor problem, but I don't think that's relevant.

The Male's Friend:
Ahahaha...

Narrator:
[at a club, paying a bouncer the cover charge] The male gives the Great Warrior sheaths of thin, green tree bark hoping that the color will satisfy the Great Warrior and he will allow the male to enter. The Great Warrior is pleased. He places a symbol of ink upon the male's hand, proof to the world that the male is ready to mate.

Narrator:
[the male and female are laughing together after just meeting] The female exhales rapidly to show that her lungs are strong and she can bear many children. The male exhales rapidly as well to show that he has endurance and can impregnate her many times over.

Narrator:
[the male performs oral sex on the female] As mating grows ever nearer, the male uses his tongue to explore the female's womb, clearing the passageway of any debris so that the infant will have an easy voyage into their world.

The Female:
Oh, God! Oh God!

Narrator:
It is painful for her, but for the good of their child, she makes the sacrifice.

Narrator:
He makes his way to the long, elevated surface where he will consume small amounts of fermented grain in the hopes that it will make him more appealing to a potential mate. In fact, it has the opposite effect. The fermented grain makes all females more appealing to him.

Narrator:
[the female is dancing at a club] To prepare for mating, she sways her hips and flails her behind in an attempt to dislodge her egg from her uterus.

The Male's Friend:
You just met her last night. If you call her now, you'll scare her off.

The Male:
Oh come on, man. I don't play those games.

The Male's Friend:
Don't do it, man. She'll think you want her.

The Male:
I do want her.

The Male's Friend:
I know, but if she thinks that, she'll find somebody else.

The Male:
Someone who doesn't want her?

The Male's Friend:
Someone cool.

The Male:
Oh, but I'm not cool.

The Male's Friend:
Exactly. That's why you got to wait a few days before you call her. And when you do ask her out, act like you're doing *her* a favor, you know? Like you don't give a damn if she says yes or no 'cause you got all these other chickadees waiting for you.

The Male:
And that'll impress her?

The Male's Friend:
Right into the sack.

Narrator:
Please do not adjust your universal translator. We are not experiencing technical difficulties. This is a human thing. It makes no sense to us either.

The Male's Friend:
Heed my words, Grasshopper. Be patient. Be a champion.

The Male:
You know, Jimmy, it occurs to me that I haven't seen you with a woman in about three years.

The Male's Friend:
Right. That's because I always phone them the very next morning.

Narrator:
[the male searches the pockets of his dry-cleaned blazer hoping to find the female's phone number] The male searches through his animal skins. Perhaps the female is inside. [the male pulls out the destroyed remains of the napkin with the female's number] Blinded by his need to procreate, the male shows some lint to the other member of the pack. "Is this the female I seek?" he asks.

The Male's Friend:
Yep, you're an a**hole.

Narrator:
"No, it is not," responds the other.

The Female's Slutty Friend:
Jen, it's been like five days already.

The Female:
He's just playing it cool.

The Female's Slutty Friend:
Cool? The man is a f***ing accountant.

The Female's Friend:
Could you show a little sensitivity? She liked the guy.

The Female's Slutty Friend:
I just called him a f***ing accountant. I didn't say he wasn't cute.

The Male:
Can I get your number?

The Female:
I was wondering when you were gonna ask.

Narrator:
The female scratches numerical symbols onto a thin white sheath of tree bark hoping the design will please the male.

The Male:
Great!

Narrator:
The male is pleased with the design! To him, it is the prettiest of all pictures.

The Male's Mother a:
She's so nice!

The Male:
Yeah, yeah she is nice.

The Male's Father:
She has beautiful eyes.

The Male:
Thank you.

The Male's Father:
So, did you f*** her?

The Male's Mother a:
What the hell's the matter with you?

The Male's Father:
What? What? What did I say? I asked if he f***ed her.

The Male's Mother a:
Of course he's f***ed her! Wouldn't you f*** her? Hell, I'd f*** her and I'm not even into that!

The Male:
Mom!

The Male's Mother a:
What? I'm defending you! Your father's the one causing the trouble!

The Male's Father:
I just wanted to know if those were real hooters or not!

The Male's Mother a:
Well of course they're real! You can't buy hooters like that.

The Male:
Okay, if you two continue to embarrass me, we're leaving.

The Male's Mother a:
[dejected] There's just no pleasing you.

Narrator:
The male has a much more arduous task. He must appear strong to the female, so strong that he doesn't care how he appears. It is this appearance he must strive for. He uses a hydrogen and oxygen mixture with some animal fat to remove the planet's nourishment from his body. He debates over removing the fur from his face with an artificial tooth of steel. He ponders this for a long time before deciding to keep the fur as a display of his masculinity... then changes his mind again. Meticulously, he combs his hair, making certain that it appears uncombed. He covers his body with the same vegetation as the female, then his upper torso with the hair of one creature, and that with the hide of another. Now, he is ready.

The Male:
I shouldn't have shaved.

The Male:
If you won't tell me what you do, will you at least tell me why you won't tell me?

The Female:
You know, because guys find it a turn-off when girls babble on about themselves on the first date. Tell me about your accounting firm.

The Male:
Oh, I can't.

The Female:
Government work kinda stuff?

The Male:
Girls find it a turn-off when guys babble on about themselves on the first date.

The Female:
[laughs] We definitely have a problem.

Narrator:
[at the movies] Human females enjoy stories about one person dying slowly. The males prefer stories of many people dying quickly.

Narrator:
[the male is using a computer mouse] He plays with a toy named after one of the small rodents of his planet. He presses his fingers against the rodent's buttocks and gently taps upon its cheeks. Still, he prefers the female of his own species.

Narrator:
[the female discovers the male sent flowers to her office] A gift from the male.

The Female:
He didn't!

Narrator:
Raw vegetation for the female to eat so she may keep up her strength for motherhood.

Narrator:
[about human intercourse] It is difficult for them, causing them pain and anguish. But for the good of their species, they endure.

The Female:
[the female told the male she is pregnant] Say something.

The Male:
Uh, it is mine, isn't it?

The Female:
Say something better!

Narrator:
The female is ready. But she must wait for the male to figure this out on his own. She can emit no odor to help him. In fact, to do so would be disastrous.

The Male:
You're beautiful. You're smart. You can beat the crap out of people. You're the perfect woman.

Narrator:
[the female performs oral sex on the male] The female attempts to swallow the male's seed for only through the sense of taste can she know that his seed is healthy and will produce a strong child.

The Male:
Oh God! Oh God!

Narrator:
The male prays to his deity to make his seed strong and healthy.

Narrator:
[At a clinic, getting tested for AIDS] As true mating grows ever nearer, the male seeks medical advice from the large female. Instead, she sticks him with needles and sucks out his blood. "What a b*tch," thinks the male.

Narrator:
She allows him to taste of the infant's milk checking for poisons or impurities on behalf of the child.

Narrator:
The male and female feed on a meal of dead earth creature and vegetation.

The Female:
[while having sex] I... love... you!

The Male:
I... love... this!

The Female:
Bas... tard!

Narrator:
Of all the creatures in the universe, none possess the mating ritual as complex, as perverse, as tragically beautiful as the earthbound human. More passionate than the Orktamus of Centali Five, more neurotic than the Sleekanda of Sleewa, it is a wonder that these furry creatures have not gone extinct millenia ago. But in spite of their self-inflicted paradox, their numbers grow at a rapid pace, over-consuming their tiny planet. For it is from these creatures that we have acquired the universal expression "f*** like people."

The Female:
[giving birth] Get away from me, you bastard! "I'll pull out" my ass! F*** you! F***in' prick!

Narrator:
And at long last, the female experiences the joy and pleasure of birth.

The Female:
Oh GOD!

Narrator:
It is a euphoric experience for her. Having had to suffer the pain of orgasm, she is now entitled to reap nature's reward.

The Female:
F***in' piece of sh*t!

Narrator:
It is a state of ecstacy the male will never enjoy.

Narrator:
The mating habits of the earthbound human. From meeting in a bar, to conceiving on a floor, to proposing in an abortion clinic, so it goes with all earthbound humans. WIth a mating ritual so complex and intricate that their mere survival defies all logic, one can only feel for them a sense of respect and admiration. So let's not blow up their planet after all.