The Muppet Christmas Carol

Gonzo:
Hello! Welcome to the Muppet Christmas Carol! I am here to tell the story.

Rizzo the Rat:
And I am here for the food.

Rizzo the Rat:
Light the lamp, not the rat, light the lamp, not the rat! Put me out, put me out, put me out!

Gonzo:
Oh! My apologies! Um...

[Suddenly spotting a barrel of water below the lamp post]

Gonzo:
Rizzo!

Rizzo the Rat:
What?

["Mr Dickens" pushes Rizzo so he falls into the water barrel]

Gonzo:
What was that.

Rizzo the Rat:
I don't know Mr. Dickens?

Gonzo:
The Crocodiles is coming to attack Ebenezer Scrooge

Vegetables:
If he became a flavor you can bet he would be sour. Yuck!

Muppet Man:
Even the vegetables don't like him!

[Gonzo and Rizzo are flying over London]

Gonzo:
[Thrilled] Hello, London!

Rizzo the Rat:
[Scared] Goodbye, lunch!

[an urchin steals a talking vegetable]

Vegetable:
Hey, I'm being stolen! Hey, help me! Help me!

Ghost of Christmas Past:
Let us see another Christmas in this place.

Ebenezer Scrooge:
They were all very much the same. Nothing ever changed.

Ghost of Christmas Past:
You changed.

Fozziwig:
At this time in the proceedings, it is a tradition for me to make a little speech.

Jacob Marley:
And it's a tradition for us to take a little nap!

Fozziwig:
My speech! Here's my Christmas speech. Ahem. "Thank you all, and Merry Christmas."

Jacob Marley:
That was the speech?

Robert Marley:
It was dumb!

Jacob Marley:
It was obvious!

Robert Marley:
It was pointless!

Jacob Marley:
It was... short!

[turns to Robert]

Jacob Marley, Robert Marley:
I loved it!

Rizzo the Rat:
Mother always taught me: "Never eat singing food."

Ebenezer Scrooge:
You're a little absent-minded, spirit.

Ghost of Christmas Present:
No, I'm a LARGE absent-minded spirit!

Ebenezer Scrooge:
What business has brought you here?

Ghost of Christmas Past:
Your welfare.

Ebenezer Scrooge:
Heh, a night's unbroken rest might aid my welfare.

Ghost of Christmas Past:
Your salvation, then.

[Describing Fozziwig]

Ebenezer Scrooge:
What an employer he was. As hard and ruthless as a rose petal!

Jacob Marley:
Why do you doubt your senses?

Ebenezer Scrooge:
Because a little thing can effect them. A slight disorder of the stomach can make them cheat. You may be a bit of undigested beef, a blob of mustard, a crumb of cheese. Yes. There's more gravy than of grave about you.

Robert Marley:
More gravy than of grave?

Jacob Marley:
What a terrible pun. Where do you get those jokes?

Robert Marley:
Leave comedy to the bears, Ebenezer.

Robert Marley:
We were always heckling you.

Jacob Marley:
It's good to be heckling again.

Robert Marley:
It's good to be doing anything again.

Kermit the Frog:
If you please Mr. Scrooge, it's gotten colder, and the bookkeeping staff would like an extra shovel full of coal for the fire?

Rat #1:
We can't do the bookkeeping, all our pens have turned to inkcicles!

Rat #2:
Our assets are frozen!

Ebenezer Scrooge:
How would the bookkeeping staff like to be suddenly... UNEMPLOYED?

Rats:
[singing] HEAT WAVE. This is my island in the sun...

Rizzo the Rat:
There are two things in this life I hate: heights, and jumping from them.

Gonzo:
Too late now. Come on, I'll catch you.

Rizzo the Rat:
God save my little broken body!

[Jumps and falls to the ground. He looks at Gonzo]

Gonzo:
Missed.

Rizzo the Rat:
Oh wait a second... I forgot my jellybeans. Um...

[Slides through the bars to retrieve them, and joins Gonzo back on the other side. Gonzo stares at him]

Rizzo the Rat:
What?

Gonzo:
You can fit through those bars?

Rizzo the Rat:
Yeah...

Gonzo:
You are such an idiot.

Ebenezer Scrooge:
What right have you to be merry? You're poor enough.

Fred:
What right have you to be dismal? You're rich enough.

Rizzo the Rat:
He's got 'im there. The old boy's speechless!

Ebenezer Scrooge:
If I could work my will, every idiot who goes around with "a Merry Christmas" on his lips would be cooked with his own turkey and buried with a stake of holly through his heart!

Rizzo the Rat:
Well, not quite speechless.

Lew Zealand:
Boomerang fish! Guaranteed fresh! Throw the fish A-WAY... and it comes back to me! Get 'em while they're fresh!

Sam the Eagle:
Tomorrow, you become a man of business!

Young Scrooge:
I'm looking forward to it, Headmaster.

Sam the Eagle:
Mm, you will love business. It is the AMERICAN WAY!

Gonzo:
[whispers] Sam...

[whispers in Sam's ear]

Sam the Eagle:
Oh... It is the BRITISH WAY!

Young Scrooge:
Yes, headmaster.

Ghost of Christmas Past:
There was of course, another Christmas Eve with this young woman. Some years later.

Ebenezer Scrooge:
Oh please... do not show me that Christmas.

Rizzo the Rat:
Rats don't understand these things.

Gonzo:
You were never a lonely child?

Rizzo the Rat:
I had twelve hundred and seventy four brothers and sisters.

Gonzo:
Boy! Rats don't understand these things!

Sam the Eagle:
Work hard, lad, and one day, your life will be as solid as this very building! [the shelf collapses behind him]

Sam the Eagle:
Huh. I've been meaning to fix that shelf!

Ebenezer Scrooge:
Bob Cratchit, I've had my fill of this.

Miss Piggy:
And I have had my fill of you, Mr. Scrooge.

Ebenezer Scrooge:
And therefore, Bob Cratchit...

Miss Piggy:
And therefore, you can leave this house at once.

Ebenezer Scrooge:
And therefore, I'm about to raise your salary!

Miss Piggy:
Ooh, and I am about to raise you right off the pavement...! Pardon?

Kermit the Frog:
Pardon?

Gonzo:
It was the afternoon of Christmas Eve and Scrooge was conscious of a thousand odors, each one connected with a thousand thoughts and hopes and joys and cares long, long forgotten.

Ebenezer Scrooge:
Are you the spirit whose coming was foretold to me?

Ghost of Christmas Past:
I am.

Ebenezer Scrooge:
But... you're just a child!

Ghost of Christmas Past:
I can remember nearly 1900 years. I am the Ghost of Christmas Past.

Ebenezer Scrooge:
Christmas is a very busy time for us, Mr. Cratchit. People preparing feasts, giving parties, spending the mortgage money on frivolities. One might say that December is the foreclosure season. Harvest time for the money-lenders.

Rizzo the Rat:
[a nearby clock strikes the hour] Oh, what was that?

Gonzo:
Two o'clock.

Rizzo the Rat:
Is it too early for breakfast?

Gonzo:
Yes.

Rizzo the Rat:
Oh good, suppertime!

Rizzo the Rat:
Boy, that's scary stuff! Should we be worried about the kids in the audience?

Gonzo:
Nah, it's all right. This is culture!

Rizzo the Rat:
Mr. Dickens, do you want to watch "Aladdin".

Gonzo:
Yes, "Aladdin" is the one that film of all time.

Rizzo the Rat:
My favroite Disney movies such as "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs", "Beauty and the Beast", "The Black Cauldron", "The Little Mermaid", "The Fox and the Hound" and other movies.

Gonzo:
You're very welcome Rizzo. Aladdin it is.

[Scrooge has met the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come]

Rizzo the Rat:
Oh, this is too scary. I don't think I wanna see any more!

Gonzo:
When you're right, you're right.

[turning to face the audience]

Gonzo:
You're on your own, folks. We'll meet you at the finale!

Rizzo the Rat:
Yeah!

[Rizzo and "Mr. Dickens" are sitting on the window ledge outside Scrooge's bedroom]

Rizzo the Rat:
[looking around] Um, are you sure it's safe for us to be up here?

Gonzo:
Scrooge is saved. What can happen now?

Rizzo the Rat:
Yeah.

[Scrooge opens the window, knocking Rizzo and "Mr. Dickens" off the ledge]

Gonzo:
He was a tight-fisted hand at the grindstone, Scr...

[noticing the smudged window of Scrooge's office]

Gonzo:
Boy, this really *is* a dirty city!

Rizzo the Rat:
Heh, you're tellin' me! [Gonzo grabs Rizzo and uses him to wipe off the window pane]

Rizzo the Rat:
[sarcastically] Thank you for makin' me a part of this!

Gonzo:
[dropping Rizzo] He was a tight-fisted hand at the grindstone, Scrooge: a squeezing, wrenching, grasping, clutching, covetous old sinner.

[Scrooge has thrown Mr Applegate out of the office]

Mr Applegate:
Thank you for not shouting at me!

Ebenezer Scrooge:
I do not make merry at Christmas...

Fred:
That is certainly true.

Ebenezer Scrooge:
And I cannot afford to make other people merry.

Fred:
That is certainly *not* true!

Gonzo:
Once again, I must ask you to remember that the Marleys were dead, and decaying in their graves.

Rizzo the Rat:
Yuck!

Gonzo:
[whispering] That one thing you must remember, or nothing that follows will seem wondrous.

Rizzo the Rat:
Why are you whispering?

Gonzo:
It's for dramatic emphasis.

Rizzo the Rat:
[falls down a chimney ignoring Gonzo] Hey! I'm stuck! Get me out of here!

Gonzo:
I knew you weren't suited for literature.

Gonzo:
My name is Charles Dickens.

Rizzo the Rat:
And my name is Rizzo the Rat... wait a second! You're not Charles Dickens!

Gonzo:
I am too!

Rizzo the Rat:
No! A blue furry Charles Dickens who hangs out with a rat?

Gonzo:
Absolutely!

Rizzo the Rat:
Charles Dickens was a 19th Century novelist! A genius!

Gonzo:
Oh, you are too kind!

Rizzo the Rat:
Why should I believe you?

Gonzo:
Well, because I know the story of A Christmas Carol like the back of my hand!

Rizzo the Rat:
Prove it!

Gonzo:
All right! Um, there's a little mole on my thumb, and um, a scar on my wrist from when I fell off my bike...

Rizzo the Rat:
No, no, no, don't tell us your *hand*, tell us the *story*!

Rizzo the Rat:
I fell down the chimney and landed on a flaming hot goose!

Gonzo:
You have all the fun!

Mrs. Dilber:
I've got his blankets.

Old Joe:
Ah, his blankets... Why, Mrs. Dilber, they're still warm! I don't pay extra for the warmth, you know.

Mrs. Dilber:
You should. It's the only warmth he ever had.

Ebenezer Scrooge:
This is Bob Crachit's house?

Ghost of Christmas Present:
How do you know that?

Ebenezer Scrooge:
You just told me.

Ghost of Christmas Present:
Well, I'm *usually* trustworthy.

Ebenezer Scrooge:
I don't think I've ever met anybody like you before.

Ghost of Christmas Present:
Really? Over 1800 of my brothers have come before me!

Ebenezer Scrooge:
1800? Imagine the grocery bills!

Kermit the Frog:
It's all right, children. Life is made up of meetings and partings. That is the way of it. I am sure that we shall never forget Tiny Tim, or this first parting that there was among us.

Ebenezer Scrooge:
[in the graveyard] Must we return to this place? There is something else that I must know, is that not true? Spirit, I know what I must ask. I fear to, but I must. Who was the wretched man whose death brought so much glee and happiness to others? [the spirit points to a headstone, Scrooge begins moving toward it, then turns back, frightened] Answer me one more question. Are these the shadows of things that *will* be, or are they the shadows of things that *may* be only? [the spirit points again at the gravestone, Scrooge slowly approaches it] These events can be changed! A life can be made right.

[he clears the snow from the stone and reads]

Ebenezer Scrooge:
[in tears] Ebenezer Scrooge! Oh please Spirit, no! Hear me, I, I am not the man I was! Why would you show me this if I am past all hope?... [sobbing] I, I *will* honor Christmas, and try to keep it all the year! I will live my life in the past, the present and the future. I will not shut out the lessons the spirits have taught me! Tell me that I may sponge out the writing on this stone! [kneeling, clutching at the spirit's robe] Oh Spirit, please speak to me!

Fozziwig:
Belle, you know, I love these annual Christmas parties. I love 'em so much, I think we'll do it twice a year!

Young Scrooge:
[brushing past Belle and Fozziwig] Excuse me. [he sees Belle and is instantly attracted] Oh... Excuse me.

Fozziwig:
Oh, Master Scrooge! Belle, I'd like you to meet Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge... the finest young financial mind in the city! Ebenezer, this is Belle! A friend of the Fozziwig family.

Belle:
I'm pleased to meet you. [she offers her hand, Scrooge kisses it]

Fozziwig:
Well, I'm glad you two finally met.

Ebenezer Scrooge:
Um. Crocodiles tried to eat me.

Rizzo the Rat:
How do you know what Scrooge is doin'? We're down here and he's up there!

Gonzo:
I told you, storytellers are omniscient; I know everything!

Rizzo the Rat:
Hoity-toity, Mr. Godlike Smarty-Pants.

Gonzo:
To conduct a proper search, Scrooge was forced to light the lamps.

[the lamps come on]

Rizzo the Rat:
How *does* he do that?

Ebenezer Scrooge:
I'll see you tomorrow morning at 8.

Rats:
[whispering] Ask him, ask him.

Kermit the Frog:
Tomorrow's Christmas, sir.

Ebenezer Scrooge:
8:30, then.

Kermit the Frog:
Uh, if you please Mr. Scrooge, half an hour off hardly seems customary for Christmas Day.

Rats:
No, no.

Ebenezer Scrooge:
How much time off *is* customary?

Kermit the Frog:
Why, uh... The whole day.

Rats:
Yeah, yeah!

Ebenezer Scrooge:
The *entire* day?

Rats:
No, no. That's the frog's idea...

Ebenezer Scrooge:
Spirit, show me no more. Why do you delight in torturing me?

Ghost of Christmas Past:
I told you, these are the shadows of the things that have been. That they are what they are, do not blame me.

Ebenezer Scrooge:
Leave Me!

Belle:
[as they sit together] Another year before our wedding, Ebenezer.

Young Scrooge:
Well, it can't be helped, Belle. How could we marry now? There's not even enough for a decent home. The investments haven't grown as they should.

Belle:
So you said last year.

Young Scrooge:
Business continues to be poor.

Belle:
You're a partner in your own firm now.

Young Scrooge:
And barely clearing expenses.

Belle:
You said the partnership was the goal.

Young Scrooge:
This is for you. [turns to Belle] I love you, Belle.

Belle:
You did once.

Kermit the Frog:
If you please sir, why open the office tomorrow? Other businesses will be closed; there'll be no one to do business with. It'll waste a lot of expensive coal for the fire!

Rats:
Yeah!

Ebenezer Scrooge:
It's a poor excuse for picking a man's pocket every December the 25th. But as I seem to be the only man who knows that... take the day off.

Rizzo the Rat:
Oh, Gonzo, speak to me! I mean, Mr. Dickens. Charlie! Are you hurt?

Gonzo:
[gets up] To say that Scrooge became startled would be untrue. Still the moment had passed, and the world was as it should be.

Rizzo the Rat:
He ain't hurt. Didn't even lose his concentration.

Robert Marley:
You will be haunted by three spirits.

Ebenezer Scrooge:
Haunted? I've already had enough of that.

Jacob Marley:
Without these visits, you cannot hope to avoid the path we tread.

Robert Marley:
Expect the first ghost tonight, when the bell tolls one!

Ebenezer Scrooge:
Can't I meet them all at once and get it over with?

Ebenezer Scrooge:
[Having just watched the Cratchits mourning Tiny Tim, addresses the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come] Oh, spirit, must there be a Christmas that brings this awful scene? [Voice breaking] How can we endure it?

Ebenezer Scrooge:
Let us deal with the eviction notices for tomorrow, Mr. Cratchit.

Kermit the Frog:
Uh, tomorrow's Christmas, sir.

Ebenezer Scrooge:
Very well. You may gift wrap them.

Robert Marley:
Look, it's Ebeneezer Scrooge!

Jacob Marley:
Looking older and more wicked than ever.

Robert Marley:
I knew he wouldn't disappoint us!

Kermit the Frog:
Mr. Scrooge?

Ebenezer Scrooge:
Yes Bob Cratchit.

Kermit the Frog:
Can i go outside and play with all of the rats.

Ebenezer Scrooge:
Yes [chuckles].

Kermit the Frog:
Oh look it's Aladdin [Rats and Kermit are watching "Aladdin"].

Rats:
Yeah.

Rat #1:
Let's watch it.

Rat #2:
No. You watch it.

Kermit the Frog:
[singing] Come on. You ain't never had friend like me.

Rats:
Yes. Friend Like Me.

Kermit the Frog:
It's beautiful Aladdin.

Aladdin:
Yes. Abu, this is Kermit the Frog.

Kermit the Frog:
You're street rat.

Aladdin:
Yes. I am the street rat. My name is Aladdin, the prince of Agrabah. What's yours.

Kermit the Frog:
My name is Bob Cratchit, i am the frog of Christmas.

Aladdin:
Would you like to hang out with me today.

Kermit the Frog:
Yes.

Aladdin:
Let's go.

Aladdin:
[singing] I've can show you the new Christmas. Shine the shining will be Merry Christmas. Tell me a Merry Christmas. It's a December.

Kermit the Frog:
[singing]. I've can open my eyes. Take me a wonder. All of the news sides of me, of Merry Christmas.

Aladdin:
[singing] A Whole New Christmas. A fantastic a whole new year. I wonderful wishful. A merry christmas. I wish for you to say it.

Kermit the Frog:
[singing] A Whole New Christmas. A really to go see it's there's. Christmas day. It's just the christmas. Now i am, A Whole New Christmas, happy new year.

Gonzo:
Oh, it's a happy new year on merry christmas.

Kermit the Frog:
Let's snow it on Charles Dickens.

Gonzo, Miss Piggy, Kermit the Frog, Ebenezer Scrooge:
Disney films such as "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" and other movies.

Ebenezer Scrooge:
Bob Cratchit.

Kermit the Frog:
Yes Mr. Scrooge.

Ebenezer Scrooge:
Come here. [Kermit turns to Scrooge] Bob Cratchit, i had my employed. You need to have school with the rats in class. So meet my sister in hell. [Scrooge tries to kill Kermit]

Kermit the Frog:
Whoa.