The Muppets Go to the Movies

Scooter (as Porthos):
The Villain has dropped something--perhaps it is a clue!

Link Hogthrob (as Gummo):
It is a crumpet.

Scooter (as Porthos):
A pumpernickel crumpet!

The Great Gonzo (as Athos):
[fighting the bandit] A pumpernickel crumpet?

Link Hogthrob (as Gummo):
A crumpernickel pumpet?

Scooter (as Porthos):
And furthermore, it has lumps all over it.

The Great Gonzo (as Athos):
A lumpy pumpernickel crumpet?

Link Hogthrob (as Gummo):
A crumpy lumpernickel pumpet?

Scooter (as Porthos):
And in all of France, there is but one bakery which makes such a delicacy!

The Great Gonzo (as Athos):
And that bakery is?

Scooter (as Porthos):
Humperdinck's!

The Great Gonzo (as Athos):
A Humperdinck's lumpy pumpernickel crumpet?

Link Hogthrob (as Gummo):
A crumperdinck's lumpy humple-crumple...pumplehumple...can we just get on with the story?

Scooter (as Porthos):
And who is the man who loves Humperdinck's lumpy pumpernickel crumpets beyond all things?

Link Hogthrob (as Gummo), The Great Gonzo (as Athos):
We don't know, who?

Scooter (as Porthos):
That simplewimp the Scarlet Pimpernel!

The Great Gonzo (as Athos), Scooter (as Porthos):
Egads! It's that simplewimp Pimpernel and his Humperdinck's lumpy pumpernickel crumpets! [to audience] Ta da!

Sam the Eagle:
[translating Gummo Bergman's "Silent Strawberries"] Ah, well, since you do not wish death, then how about a rubber chicken?

[Backstage; Link comes hurtling through the air and lands on top of Miss Piggy. She untangles herself and stands up, furious]

Miss Piggy:
Do you know what you just did?

Link Hogthrob:
Yes, I flew through the air with the greatest of ease. The audience loved it. They wanted an encore.

Miss Piggy:
Well, let us not disappoint them. [karate chopping him] HIYA!

Dudley Moore (as Caesar):
Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears.

Random Roman muppet:
What'd you do with the ones we lent you last week?

Dudley Moore (as Caesar):
I stuck them on my chariot.

Random Roman muppet:
Why?

Dudley Moore (as Caesar):
Because they're chariot-ears.

[all laugh]

Dudley Moore (as Caesar):
Bring me my piano.

Random Roman muppet:
Bring Great Caesar's piano!

[Several muppet Romans lug a grand piano onstage]

Dudley Moore (as Caesar):
Do you know why they call me "Great Caesar"?

Scooter:
Because "Great Dudley" would sound stupid?

Dudley Moore (as Caesar):
No, fool, because I provide my own background music.

Link Hogthrob (as Gummo):
Egad, it's that simple wimp Pimpernel and lumpy gumpel shlumpel dumpel... can we just get on with the story?

Scooter (as Porthos):
Good idea! For there, the dreaded Scarlet Pimpernel is making his escape!

The Great Gonzo (as Athos):
Yoinks, Porthos! Thou art correct! Gummo, swing down on yond chandelier and capture yond Pimpernel!

Link Hogthrob (as Gummo):
Why me? I'm not the strong one.

Scooter (as Porthos):
No, you're the STUPID one!