The Red Danube

Mother Superior:
[Referring to a previous conversation about religion and its inefficacy in Wartime] Like that ladder...

Col. Michael S. 'Hooky' Nicobar:
The ladder?

Mother Superior:
There is the ladder, there is the ceiling and there is the paint. If you want the ceiling painted, someone must climb the ladder.

Col. Michael S. 'Hooky' Nicobar:
Yes, you, um, need a painter.

Mother Superior:
But suppose the painter remains at the foot of the ladder? You cannot say that the ladder has failed you, or the paint has failed you, or the ceiling has failed you.

Col. Michael S. 'Hooky' Nicobar:
No, no you can't.

Mother Superior:
I know about you more than you know about yourself. You want the ceiling painted but... all the cruelty in the world, all the horror and tragedy you see, these you do not oppose with your own courage. You do not try to replace them with your own high hopes for the world and the human race. You complain that God has failed you. No, my friend. God has not failed man- man has failed God. For every man knows what God wants him to do.

Col. Michael S. 'Hooky' Nicobar:
[to Brigadier Catlock, after refusing to return any more displaced Russian citizens back to the Soviet Union] One of our reasons for fighting this war was to liberate people from tyranny.

Col. Michael S. 'Hooky' Nicobar:
Reverend Mother, just... just what are you actually going to say to the Holy Father?

Mother Superior:
I'm going to ask his Holiness what to do about the men and women who have all the answers and believe in God but are not official Christians.

Col. Michael S. 'Hooky' Nicobar:
Well, in you practical way, I... I hope you are going to get his Holiness to "talk turkey."

Mother Superior:
Oh, we'll "talk turkey" all night.

Col. Michael S. 'Hooky' Nicobar:
How do you like Vienna, Colonel?

Colonel Piniev:
Oh, very much. But I [laughs] like home better.

Col. Michael S. 'Hooky' Nicobar:
Ah, yes. So do I.

Colonel Piniev:
But... we have job to do here. Right?

Col. Michael S. 'Hooky' Nicobar:
Yes, we're here to help get this country back on its feet.

Colonel Piniev:
Both our nations will be making mistakes with each other.

Col. Michael S. 'Hooky' Nicobar:
Yes, but perhaps with a little understanding and self-sacrifice we can learn to work together for the peace of the world.

Colonel Piniev:
I ask you to believe that the people of my country are wanting peace as much as yours.

Col. Michael S. 'Hooky' Nicobar:
I trust so.

Audrey Quail:
What is there about these foreign women, Twingo?

Major John 'Twingo' McPhimister:
Mystery, my dear Audrey. Mystery.

Col. Michael S. 'Hooky' Nicobar:
[on the phone] No, no, no, no. Now let's start at the beginning. First, you have the directive that malaria comes from mosquito bites and that you are therefore to exterminate the mosquitos, right? Now, secondly, as you point out, only the female mosquito desires human blood and, therefore, it transmits malaria. However, owing to the impossibility of distinguishing between the male and the female mosquito, it will be necessary for you to destroy ALL mosquitos... the innocent along with the guilty.

Col. Michael S. 'Hooky' Nicobar:
You know Twingo, sometimes I don't think we deserved to win this war.

Major John 'Twingo' McPhimister:
Well, we can always lose the next one.

Major John 'Twingo' McPhimister:
[across from Olga/Maria in a restaurant] You know, all the time I was waiting to meet you, I made up a hundred brilliant things to say. Now, here you are and I'm as dumb as a fish.

Major John 'Twingo' McPhimister:
[Observing another couple at the restaurant in love holding hands] Oh, holding hands like nobody's business.

Olga Alexandrova:
Nobody's business?

Major John 'Twingo' McPhimister:
Yes. American slang.

Olga Alexandrova:
Oh, but what does it mean?

Major John 'Twingo' McPhimister:
Well, it means... um... complete abandonment to the pleasure of the moment.

Olga Alexandrova:
[understanding] I am going to enjoy this soup "like nobody's business!"