The Road to Wellville

Interviewer:
Sir, how often should one evacuate one's bowels?

Dr. John Harvey Kellogg:
One should never, ever, interrupt one's desire to defecate. I have inquired at the Bronx and London Zoos as to the daily bowel evacuations of primates. It is not once, twice, or three times, sir, but four. At the end of an average day, their cages are filled with a veritable mountain of natural health.

Interviewer:
And, sex?

Dr. John Harvey Kellogg:
Sex is the sewer drain of a healthy body, sir! Any use of the sexual act other than procreation is a waste of vital energy! Wasted seeds are wasted lives!

Interviewer:
Uh, eating meat?

Dr. John Harvey Kellogg:
"He that killeth the ox is as if he slew a man." Each juicy morsel of meat is alive, and swarming with the same filth as found in the carcass of a dead rat. Meat eaters, sir, are drowning in a tide of gore. What is a sausage? A sausage is an indigestible balloon of decayed beef, riddled with tuberculosis. Eat and die! For I have seen many a repentant meat glutton his body full of uric acid and remorse, his soul adrift on the raft in the ocean of poisonous slime, sloshin' against the walls of the body's kitchen.

Interviewer:
Smoking?

Dr. John Harvey Kellogg:
The liver is the only thing standing between the smoker and death! Also certain other things have to be avoided... like, uh, feather beds, and romantic novels... and the, uh, touching of one's organs. Masturbation is the silent killer of the night! The vilest sin of self-pollution! It is the sin of Onan!

Interviewer:
Uh, Dr. Kellogg, how did you come to invent the corn flake?

Dr. John Harvey Kellogg:
The corn flake, sir, is just one of my 75 creations for heathy livin', among them peanut butter and the electric blanket.

Interviewer:
And what about your imitators? There are 103 other corn flakes presently being manufactured here in Battle Creek!

Dr. John Harvey Kellogg:
Sir, corn is the injuns gift to the new world, and the corn flake is my gift to the entire world.

Interviewer:
And what do you think about your brother?

Dr. John Harvey Kellogg:
My brother, W.K. Kellogg, worked for me as a low-paid assistant for many years. Now he's off on his own and amassin' fortunes with my corn flake invention. Unfortunately, he has chosen the family name to promote it. But the whole world knows only one Kellogg: me, Dr. John Harvey Kellogg! Surgeon, inventor, author, and crusader for biological livin'! I do not seek monetary rewards, for I am called to a greater glory. Here at the Battle Creek Sanitarium, the spirits soar, the mind is educated, and the bowels - -the bowels are born again!

Dr. John Harvey Kellogg:
An erection is a flagpole on your grave.

Charles Ossining:
With friends like you, who needs enemas?

Virginia Cranehill:
The fresh air, the exercise, and the pleasure of a leather saddle between one's thighs.

Eleanor Lightbody:
Why, Virginia, what do you mean?

Virginia Cranehill:
Bicycle smile, I believe they call it.

Charles Ossining:
The doctor is a very great man.

George Kellogg:
He's a f*** pig! I hate him!

Endymion Hart-Jones:
The enemas take some getting used to, but, in time, you'll learn to look forward to them like an old friend with a cold nose.

Ida Muntz:
Do you masticate, Mr. Lightbody?

Eleanor Lightbody:
I wanted to be more than a hole in the mattress that answers to a name.

William Lightbody:
Oh, no, no, I can't eat fifteen gallons of yoghurt.

Dr. John Harvey Kellogg:
Oh, it's not going in that end, Mr. Lightbody.

Waiter:
What would you like for dinner?

William Lightbody:
Toast.

Waiter:
And how would you like that, sir?

William Lightbody:
Toasted.

Dr. John Harvey Kellogg:
Build up your resolve, not your genitals!

Dr. John Harvey Kellogg:
My own stools, Sir, are gigantic and have no more odor than a hot biscuit.

[Poultney Dab collapses in the street in front of the San]

Dr. John Harvey Kellogg:
Poult, I believe you've suffered a heart attack. [checks his pulse] Worse, much worse, you're dead, sir. Could you have picked a better place to die, Poult? Instead of out here in the street in front of everybody? Some poster child for biological living you are! [kicks him]

Charles:
You hooked me like a fish, Bender. You scaled me, you gutted me, you stuffed me and fried me, chewed me up, swallowed me, and shat me out again!

[Charlie is waiting outside in the rain for Bender. A kid approaches him]

Ernest O'Reilly:
You Charlie Ossining?

Charles Ossining:
Yes.

Ernest O'Reilly:
Mr. Bender says you're to come with me.

Charles Ossining:
Good God boy, where's the cab?

Ernest O'Reilly:
No cab, Mr. Bender says to walk.

Charles Ossining:
Is it far?

Ernest O'Reilly:
It wouldn't be if we weren't walking.

Goodloe Bender:
Health! The 'open sesame' to the sucker's purse!

Virginia Cranehill:
Marriage is just legalized prostitution, my dear.

William Lightbody:
You were masturbating!

Dr. Lionel Badger:
I was not! I was massaging my colon!

William Lightbody:
Massaging your colon! I know where the colon is and it doesn't stick up in the air!

William Lightbody:
They're dead! They've been electrocuted!

Endymion Hart-Jones:
Rather a severe cure for flatulence, I do admit.