The Smurfs

[seeing New York City for the first time]

Smurfette:
Oh... my... Smurf.

Grouchy:
Where the Smurf are we?

Gutsy:
Up the smurfin' creek without a paddle, that's where!

Papa:
I'm 546 years old... I'm getting too old for this.

Grouchy:
[about to leave New York] I hated it... so much less than I expected.

Patrick Winslow:
Bye, Grouchy.

Grouchy:
Don't get me wrong, I still hate it here!

Smurfette:
[to Grace] I never had a girlfriend before. I'll never forget you.

Papa:
Well, Master Winslow, thank you. You saved my whole family.

Patrick Winslow:
Actually, I think it was the other way around.

Papa:
Well, I should get going. I've got a Smurf village to rebuild. Your village has given me some ideas...

[Patrick and Papa Smurf hug]

Patrick Winslow:
Goodbye, Papa.

Papa:
Goodbye... papa.

Gargamel:
[Waking up from Azrael licking his face] Smurfs... Smurfs... [to Azrael] I wish I could quit you. Get out of here.

[Notices the fourth wall]

Gargamel:
What are you looking at?

Smurfette:
I kissed a Smurf, and liked it?

Patrick Winslow:
SMURF, SMURF, SMURFETY, SMURF! [all the Smurfs are shocked]

Gutsy:
There is no call for that sort of language, laddie!

Jokey:
What do you get when you cross a Smurf with a cow? Blue cheese!

Smurfette:
[shocked at seeing a stall of stuffed horses] OH! So that's where all the unicorns went...

Gutsy:
NO Smurf gets left behind!

Smurfette:
[traps Azrael in a cage] You smurfed with the wrong girl!

Gutsy:
I'll not soon forget this place. Especially not with these! [shows he has "I love NY" sequined on his backside]

Grace Winslow:
High four.

Smurfette:
High four.

Narrator Smurf:
And so the Smurfs left this great city of New York. And I think they left it a little sweeter, a little wiser, a little smurfier. And as that portal began to close for the last time...

Grouchy:
Hey! Seriously, stop! [pulls Narrator Smurf through the portal]

Narrator Smurf:
BYE!

Gargamel:
[escaping prison in a cloud of flies] So long, scallywags!

Gargamel:
I am not obsessed with Smurfs, thank you. I simply can't stop thinking about the miserable beasts every single minute of every single day!...

Azrael:
Meow!

Gargamel:
But I need them! It's only by capturing the little wretches and extracting their happy blue essence that my magic will finally become... not infallible...

Azrael:
Meow!

Gargamel:
INVINCIBLE, yes, thank you! I shall become the most powerful wizard in all of the world!

[Gargamel and Azreal cackle]

Gargamel:
Yeah, but you're milking it, don't milk it.

Smurfette:
Hey guys! How do you like my new dress?

[first lines]

Narrator Smurf:
There is a place. A place that knows no sadness, where even feeling blue is a happy thing. A place inhabited by little blue beings three apples high. It lies deep within an enchanted forest, hidden away beyond the medieval village. Most people believe this place is made up, only to be found in books or children's imagination. Well, we beg to differ.

Smurfette:
[sees dolls' dresses] I can have more than one kind of dress? What?

Gargamel:
[playing with puppets] La la lala lala, sing a happy song! La la lala lala, this is so wrong! "Oh, I'm Papa Smurf. I'm the head of a small group of blue people, and live in the forest with 99 sons and one daughter! Nothing weird about that, no no, totally normal!" "And I'm Smurfette! And I think I'm so pretty! And I betrayed Gargamel, and I don't even care! And everything is just sunshine and rainbows!"... But all of that is about to change!

[Azrael bathes himself]

Gargamel:
Ahem. I said, "But all of that is about to change!" Azreal, that's your cue!

Gargamel:
Ye gods, Azrael! You're a boy?

Brainy:
Well, at least they're not coming after us...

[Azrael falls through the portal into a pond, the Smurfs scarper]

Gargamel:
Azrael? Are you dead?

Gargamel:
Must... have... SMURFS! [jumps through the portal]

Gargamel:
Oh, Azrael, we've come so far, yet I am haunted by the same familiar problem: how to find the Smurfs. If only I had a... [Azrael hacks and coughs]

Gargamel:
I'm sorry, is my thinking interrupting your vile habit? If only I had something of theirs: a drop of spittle, a fingernail, some hair even, then I could use my magic to hunt them down! [Azrael coughs out a hairball]

Gargamel:
Very nice. Are you done now?

Azrael:
Meow! [points at the hairball]

Gargamel:
I don't want to look at it! What? YUCK! WHAT?... Is that...? No. No, it can't be... it is! The tiny locks of Smurfette! Oh, sweet follicular ambrosia! Oh, sweet strands of joy... mixed with a fair amount of cat vomit. [holds up the hair]

[Gargamel looks for a laboratory in New York City]

Gargamel:
[climbs into a port-a-potty] Oh. Yes. It's a bit small, but it should do nicely! Oh, it's even got its own cauldron.

[tries some magic... ]

Gargamel:
What died in here?... OPEN! OPEN! OPEN! OPEN! OPEN! OPPEEENNNN!

[finally falls out]

Gargamel:
Somebody's been working in dark and terrible magic in there...!

Gargamel:
[at Belvedere Castle] Daddy is HOME!

Grouchy:
Let's get our Smurf on!

[Gargamel gets hit by a bus]

Azrael:
Are you dead? [snickers]

Odile:
The whole world will know the name that is Garbagesmell!

Gargamel:
Gargamel.

Odile:
With my help, the whole world will know the genius that is Gargamel!

Azrael:
Meow? [breaks into laughter]

Papa:
I'm sorry, Master Winslow, but we badly need to borrow your stargazer.

Patrick Winslow:
I don't have a stargazer, okay? It's not something people of this century just have, especially here.

Grouchy:
Not happy.

Patrick Winslow:
Now if you excuse me, I have to work.

Papa:
Well, perhaps we can sing to help things along. And then we'll get the stargazer. Come along, Smurfs.

[La la la la la la Sing, a happy song La la la la la la Smurf the whole day long]

Patrick Winslow:
Stop. Stop! Come on. None of you find that song just the tiniest bit annoying?

Grouchy:
I find it annoying.

Papa:
Well, what do you sing at work?

Patrick Winslow:
I don't sing at work.

Smurfette:
[gasps] What?

Gutsy:
And you have to wear a leash. Harsh.

Smurfette:
I know. How about if we hum?

[they begin humming the song]

Patrick Winslow:
Please stop humming.

Clumsy:
Just because your name IS Grouchy, doesn't mean you always have to BE grouchy.

Grouchy:
Yeah. It does.

Gargamel:
[Odile is giving a demonstration of her anti-aging cream] I see no transformation. Your potion has no power. She's still an eye-offending dogfish if you ask me.

Odile:
This is my mother who you speaking of!

Gargamel:
I'm so sorry, I didn't realize. How sad for you in thirty years.

Gargamel:
Son of a Smurf!

Grouchy:
Don't get your petals in a twist.

Gargamel:
[upon arrival in Central Park] What manner of freakish hell is this?

Gargamel:
[playing with a Smurfette puppet] "Oh, great one!" Yes, lying, deceptive, horrible little Smurfette? "After all your years of Smurfless searching, however do you expect to find us?" Oh, I'm very glad you asked, my dear! For, you see, I have a magical map, that shows me exactly where the Smurf village is! I shall now use my formidable powers to magically transport us here!

Azrael:
Oh, no...

Gargamel:
There you are! By all means, relax here in the fresh air and the sunshine, while the missing Smurfs could be anywhere!

Azrael:
Meow! [points]

Gargamel:
What? Where?

Gutsy:
[sees Gargamel slam into a cab] You've had that coming to you for over thirty years! [laughs]

[seeing New York City for the first time]

Brainy:
Wow! Palaces everywhere!

Grouchy:
[sees someone dressed as the Statue of Liberty] Wow! A green goblin!

Smurfette:
[sees someone dressed as Elmo] Wow! A red troll!

Gutsy:
[sees a giant TV screen with Bar Rafaeli] Wow, look at that giant princess!

Grouchy:
I'm tired of the whole dating game! Just say who you are, and be who you say, right?

Gutsy:
Smurfabunga!

[Grace and Smurfette try to sneak past Gargamel, but Azrael pounces on Grace]

Grace Winslow:
No no no no no!

Smurfette:
You again! Get your paws off me!

Grace Winslow:
You bad kitty! [swipes Azrael away]

Smurfette:
[runs off] I hate that cat!

Patrick Winslow:
Do you guys drink coffee?

Papa:
Is a Smurf's butt blue?

[Grouchy falls into a pile of blue sweets, and gets a mouthful]

Grouchy:
YUCK! Smurf droppings! These are disgusting... ly tasty!

Patrick Winslow:
So, tell me... that weird guy in the tatty bathrobe, at the toy store?

Papa:
Gargamel?

Patrick Winslow:
He's not really a wizard, is he?

Papa:
Not the smartest of sorcerers, but dangerous just the same! Back home, I could hold him at bay with a spell or two. But here, without my books and potions... well, today we got lucky, but next time who knows?

Patrick Winslow:
What are you gonna do?

Papa:
I'll do anything and everything I can do to get my Smurfs home! I won't ever give up! They're my family, and you never give up on your family!

Patrick Winslow:
Doesn't it freak you out sometimes? I mean, all those little guys depending on you... I mean, what if you screw up? How do you know when you're ready?

Papa:
Let me ask you something: why did you come for us today when your Grace called?

Patrick Winslow:
She needed me, and I heard it in her voice.

Papa:
That's what being a papa is. It comes time, you just do. [points at his head]

Papa:
Knowing what to do doesn't come from here... it comes from here, where it matters most. [points at Patrick's belly]

Patrick Winslow:
My spleen?

Papa:
No, your heart! I'm trying to have a moment here, you whippersnapper!

Patrick Winslow:
You're a good papa, Papa.

Papa:
You'll be a good one, too.

Papa:
[laughs] Here, come sit on Papa's lap!

Patrick Winslow:
Uh...

Papa:
Oh, yeah. Right. Scratch that.

Patrick Winslow:
Yeah, probably not the best idea...

Gargamel:
I am but a simple wizard with a simple desire: limitless power and world adulation! So why does it have to be so hard?

Vanity:
I'm too beautiful to die! [bangs Gargamel in the face with a frying pan]

Patrick Winslow:
And you're all named after your personalities? Do you get your names when you're born or after you've exhibited certain traits?

Smurfs:
Yes!

Patrick Winslow:
To review, you guys come from a magic forest where you live in oversized mushrooms...

Papa:
Yes.

Patrick Winslow:
...and you're being chased by an evil wizard...

Papa:
Yeah.

Patrick Winslow:
...and you're trapped in New York until there's a blue moon...

Papa:
Very good.

Patrick Winslow:
...and you like to use the extremely imprecise term "smurf" for just about everything.

Brainy:
Smurf-xactly!

Grouchy:
[to Gargamel] You have our Papa. Prepare to get smurfed!

Papa:
GARGAMEL! [hurls a fork at him]

[Gargamel looks for a laboratory in New York City and spots a port-a-potty/]

Gargamel:
[impressed] Oh. Yes. It's a bit small, but it should do nicely! [climbs into the port-a-potty with Azrael] Oh, it's even got its own cauldron!

[A gurgling sound can be heard]

Gargamel:
What died in here? [the port-a-poty shakes and thumping sounds can be heard] OPEN, OPEN, OPEN, OPEN, OPEN, OPPEEENNNN!

[Gargamel and Azrael finally fall out, dizzy and confused]

Gargamel:
[choking] Somebody's been working a dark and terrible magic in there! [coughs in disgust]

Gargamel:
[he and Azrael walk around New York, searching for the Smurfs] We must find this Smurf thief. [Azrael meows] Ah, stop your complaining. If I were a Smurf, where would I go? [spots a businessman talking on the phone and approaches him] You there, you there! Fancy pants! Have you seen any little blue men?

Businessman:
[on the phone] Absolutely, what price are we talking about?

Gargamel:
You're selling them?

[A woman talking on the phone walks by, Gargamel follows her.]

Woman:
[on the phone] Have you looked in the drawer, sweetie?

Gargamel:
[to the woman] Wait, what drawer?

Woman:
[on the phone] In the kitchen, Lily.

Gargamel:
Who is this Lily?

[A man also talking on the phone walks by.]

Man:
[on the phone] Are you kidding? She's like the hottest girl in my apartment.

Gargamel:
[stops the man] Please, please. Please, young woodsman. What does the temperature of this Lily have to do with the finding of Smurfs?

Man:
[to Gargamel] Take your meds, man. [walks away]

Gargamel:
[confused] What? I, I... [shouts] IS EVERYONE IN THIS REALM COMPLETELY INSANE?! [spots a peddlar] Oh, thank the gods. A local wizard. Excellent. [to the peddlar] Eh pardon me, wise sir? By any chance, have you seen any little blue men?

Peddlar:
They're everywhere! [laughs maniacally and walks away]

Gargamel:
I knew it. I knew it! I told you we were close, Azrael!

Azrael:
[unenthusiascally] I know.

Patrick:
Oh by the way, I wouldn't go anywhere if I were you.

Smurfette:
Well, why not?

Patrick:
Our world doesn't really do well with people from other places. I mean, look what happened to E.T.! [The Smurfs look at Patrick, confused] It's a movie. A moving picture? Book? Just stay. Okay? [Walks out the door]

Grace:
How can you be the girl in the village?

Smurfette:
Well see, I wasn't brought by a stork like the others. I was created by Gargamel to trap the other Smurfs.

Grace:
Wow! And then what happened?

Smurfette:
Papa saved me. He cast a special spell, and then helped become the Smurf I was meant to be.

[After Gargamel runs headlong into the back of a stopped cab, the Smurfs laughed at him as the cab starts moving again and pulled away]

Grouchy:
Knock yourself out, Gargamel!

Gutsy:
You've had that coming for about 30 years!

Gargamel:
Smurfs! [as a Anjelou card flew by from the bumper and he grabs it]

Patrick:
Grace, we're being attacked! Do not be fooled by their cuteness!

Grace:
It's okay, it's okay. [Cuts to the Smurfs gathered around her bare feet; so close that they can smell her toes]

Grace:
They're friendly!

Papa Smurf:
Not this time, Gargamel.

Papa Smurf:
I'm 546 years old.

Papa Smurf:
Is a Smurf's butt blue?

Brainy:
That's gonna leave a big blue bruise.

Brainy:
[as he is falling] GOODBYE, BLUE WORLD!

Clumsy:
Keep your Smurfs to yourself!

Grouchy:
[referring to Clumsy] Why are we even listening to him? He's the one who just got us sucked into a giant hole.

Grouchy:
Hey! I'm walkin' here!

Grouchy:
Just remember this one moment, and I wasn't grouchy! I wasn't!

Grouchy:
I still hate truffles! And I hate violence, too!

Gutsy:
SMURFABUNGA!!!

Gutsy:
[After Patrick swears in Smurf language] There's no call for that kind of language, laddie!

Gargamel:
[Getting his net caught in a tree] Let go! Cursed nature!

Gargamel:
Come to papa, Papa!