This Means War

Lauren:
Oh, I think I'm going to hell

Trish:
Don't worry. If you're going to hell, I'll just come pick you up.

Lauren:
I'm going out. I'm dating. I'm having fun.

Trish:
You date but you're not taking it seriously.

Lauren:
And you look like the kind of guy who's interested in a one-day rental, if you know what I mean.

Trish:
Don't choose the better guy, choose the guy that's gonna make you the better girl.

Lauren:
Oh, it was the most humiliating moment ever.

Trish:
Well, that's because you have to come up with, like, better excuses. You should have been like, "I have a fianc?, too, but he's actually getting a penile reduction this afternoon because his penis is so big, every time it lands like a poltergeist."

Agent Bothwick:
[to FDR] She texted her friend Trish. She said she need to talk because she was "F-T-F-O," which the cryptography department believes means she was Freaking the F*** Out, sir! I S-H-I-T you not. I was L-M-F-A-O when I read that.

Lauren:
FDR has these tiny, like, girl hands. Like, little T-Rex hands.

Trish:
Ew, gross!

[Tuck laughs]

Trish:
That means he's got a Mike and Ike for a penis.

[Tuck laughs out loud]

FDR Foster:
You knot that's not true. You've seen it. You've seen it in Bangladesh, you know that's not true.

FDR Foster:
Did he just give our bird the bird?

[first lines]

Man 1:
[over comms] All eyes are up.

Man 2:
Sat cams are good.

Man 1:
Target is inbound.

Man 2:
ETA five minutes.

Collins:
Mission is a go. Repeat, you are green to go. Intercept and apprehend the Heinrich brothers. Secure the device. And remember, this mission is covert.

Katie:
So what brings you to Hong Kong? Business or pleasure?

FDR Foster:
Pleasure.

Tuck:
Business.

FDR Foster:
A little of both.

Katie:
What kind of business are you in?

FDR Foster:
I am a cruise ship captain of a very large vessel. My small friend here is a kick-ass travel agent.

Katie:
Permission to come aboard, captain.

Karate Dad:
[growls] Pain? That's just weakness leaving the body.

FDR Foster:
I missed you.

Tuck:
I know. I've missed you too.

FDR Foster:
I love you, man.

Tuck:
I love you, too.

FDR Foster:
We're back!

Lauren:
Oh, my God. I'm Yoko.

Joe:
[watching the news] Mom. Is that dad?

Karate Dad:
You're not listening to me.

Tuck:
Mate, can I have a quick word with you? [sucker punches him in the gut]

Tuck:
Okay, that's it, stand up. A brave man once said to me, "Pain is weakness leaving the body."

Karate Dad:
[grunting] Yes.

Tuck:
Bye, weakness.

[last lines]

FDR Foster:
You never slept with Lauren?

Tuck:
You slept with my wife! [tackles him out of the airplane]

FDR Foster:
I don't believe in mistakes. It's the mistakes that make us who we are.