W.M.D.

Captain Hank Garrison:
Hey, have a happy Thanksgiving cocksucker!

Captain Hank Garrison:
Do you see this uniform sir?

The President:
Yes I do.

Captain Hank Garrison:
Those of us that wear it face death every day, prepared to die at any moment, the question is, are you, are you sir, prepared to die at any moment?

Captain Hank Garrison:
This here is Melody Stone, she's usually cast as a cleavage bearing, over opinionated talking head on cable news. Today she's in the middle of the sh*t with us. Oh sh*t, am I allowed to say sh*t on the news?

Melody Stone:
No.

Captain Hank Garrison:
Oh f*** me, we can edit that out, can't we?

Sergeant Downy:
It don't Gitmo better than this mutter f***er!

Captain Hank Garrison:
Mister President, when you've been in hell long enough, you become the Devil. So consider this your cleansing, your exorcism, or your f***ing baptism, I don't f***ing care.

Captain Hank Garrison:
Okay, your turn.

Melody Stone:
My turn for what?

Captain Hank Garrison:
Dildo torture.

Captain Hank Garrison:
Okay. So um... On three Jump off.

Private First Class Riggs:
Whoa. Hang on. Hang on. What am I doing?

Captain Hank Garrison:
You're the "jump off" part.

Sergeant Downy:
May I should - I will pull him off. I will pull him this way.

Private First Class Riggs:
No, no - I don't know if - No. I don't think that's gonna...

Sergeant Downy:
No, I've done it before. It's okay.

Captain Hank Garrison:
No, let him jerk you off. He'll get off on it.

Sergeant Downy:
Come on, it will give you a little momentum. Pull you off. Come on.

Private First Class Riggs:
Jesus Christ.

Captain Hank Garrison:
Alrighty. On the count of three. You wanna count?

Sergeant Downy:
Yeah, maybe you should count to three.

Captain Hank Garrison:
But you have to ask yourself, "is this where you wanna f***in' die?"

Private First Class Riggs:
I'm not gonna count.

Sergeant Downy:
He can't count to three. Come on. You count.

Captain Hank Garrison:
No, I'm swinging. Count of three. Your count...

Private First Class Riggs:
I'm not gonna count.

Sergeant Downy:
Let me count it out.

Captain Hank Garrison:
You count to three.

Sergeant Downy:
Okay I'll count. Come on.

Captain Hank Garrison:
On three. It's ON three. So it's, "One. Two. And then go." Right? "One. Two. Go."

Sergeant Downy:
On three. Ready? Okay? One. Two. Three!

Captain Hank Garrison:
Mister President, you are being held prisoner.

The President:
By who?

Captain Hank Garrison:
Really?

Sergeant Downy:
By us dumb ass!

Alexandra Tartakoff:
How come you're not talking to me?

Private First Class Riggs:
Well, I've been busy. I mean, we've got the President hostage and stuff.

Agent Stenson:
What the hell did you do to him?

Captain Hank Garrison:
Nothing much.

Agent Stenson:
Garrison, what the hell did you do to the President?

Captain Hank Garrison:
Nothing even close to torture, ain't that right Mister President?

Alexandra Tartakoff:
It's like, there's no "I" in "team," you know?

Melody Stone:
Nope. And there's no YOU in "intelligence," either.

Alexandra Tartakoff:
What?

Captain Hank Garrison:
The President is alive and well, but you keep banging on that door - it's gonna turn all Peckinpah in here. Riggs check all frequencies.

Private First Class Riggs:
"Peckin," what?

Captain Hank Garrison:
"Peckinpah." Film director. "Bloody Sam." "Straw Dogs."

Private First Class Riggs:
F***in' Nazis man.

Captain Hank Garrison:
"The Wild Bunch," 1969.

Private First Class Riggs:
"The Wild Bunch." Yeah.

Melody Stone:
I'm sorry, I can't do anything. I haven't got my cell.

Captain Hank Garrison:
You really are "Tits Magee."

Captain Hank Garrison:
You're gonna say, "This is the President, I'm okay."

The President:
This is the President. This is more fun than a Texas rodeo.

Captain Hank Garrison:
That was real cute.

Sergeant Downy:
Sorry Steve.

Captain Hank Garrison:
That, to us, is nothing. We have lived through the worst neck deep sh*t you can imagine. Stuff that would make your pampered, collagen head spin right the f*** off. But you wouldn't know about that, would you? No, because we have never see your types out in the places we have to go. You report about these wars from your cushy, comfy, air-conditioned studios. Well honey, welcome to Bumf*** Iraq.

Melody Stone:
I don't use collagen.

Alexandra Tartakoff:
I used to be an AV tech in high school.

Captain Hank Garrison:
Outstanding.

Sergeant Downy:
KFC. Bigger targets there.

Captain Hank Garrison:
Hey! Tartar Sauce! Let's go!

Captain Hank Garrison:
You have a thing for Retardakoff?

Captain Hank Garrison:
War doesn't create guys like Downey. It's just gives them a creative outlet.

Alexandra Tartakoff:
Call me a "c*nt" again.

Shawn Sanders:
So Rupert, please share your perspective. What do you think the President is going through right now?

Rupert Brannigan:
Well, on "The Oval Office," I play the chief advisor to the President, not the President.

Shawn Sanders:
Of course.

Rupert Brannigan:
So, there's going to be a very different character analysis between the President and the chief advisor.

Shawn Sanders:
Okay, so from the chief advisor - perspective, what are your - What are you thoughts?

Shawn Sanders:
Ummm. As chief advisor I think I would have recommended that he NOT go to Baghdad.

Shawn Sanders:
Well, it's a bit too late for that. What about now that he's be abducted?

Rupert Brannigan:
Well now that he's abducted I'd say the only person to solve the problem would be Jack Bauer.