What Happens in Vegas

Mason:
[after being punched in the nuts] Why?

Tipper:
You know why!

[after Joy is dumped by her fianc?]

Tipper:
You know what? I can get a couple of my brother's loser ass friends to go over to Mason's apartment , knock on the door and when he opens it wham! They'll junk-punch him all up in his man business and he'll fall to the floor whaling and crying "why?" and then we'll say "you know why!"

Joy McNally:
Wow! Did you just make that up?

Tipper:
No, I thought about it a lot on the way over

Dave the Bear:
Do you even know how to drive an automatic?

Tipper:
You know why.

Jack Fuller:
[standing outside the bathroom door] Can you hurry up?

Joy McNally:
[from inside the bathroom, taking her time] Almost done! [walks into the kitchen to find Jack pissing in their sink]

Jack Fuller:
Oh yeah, this is really happening. Oh, and it's your day for dishes.

Hater:
I'm the law, b*tch!

Jack Fuller:
How hard can it be?

Joy McNally:
I know how hard it isn't.

Jack Fuller:
...We got robbed. All they took was the door.

Jack Fuller Sr.:
You're like a son to me.

Jack Fuller:
Dad, I am your son.

Banger:
So you're the lucky guy?

Jack Fuller:
Yeah, Jack Fuller [shakes Banger's hand]

Banger:
Hi, i'm Richard Banger, you're in my seat!

Jack Fuller:
Hold on a second, your name is Richard Banger?

Banger:
Yeah!

Jack Fuller:
So your name is Dick Banger! Dick Banger! Dick Banger!, you my friend have supplied us with jokes for the whole weekend.

Banger:
And you must be Jack? Jack off! Jack off!, give it to me baby!

[Jack & Banger embrace each other]

Jack Fuller:
And the old man is quick enough to think of a comeback

Jack Fuller:
Jack off!, I actually like that

Tipper:
I just wanna junk-punch him in his man business.

Joy McNally:
That's just the topping I wanted on my popcorn. I know the box said its movie theater butter, but you guessed it. What I really wanted was Jack's Sweaty ballsack flavor!

Jack Fuller:
I'm just giving you what you want, baby.

Hater:
This is my lesbian sister. Tell them about your softball team, tell them about your team.

Tipper:
If I could kill someone with my mind right now, it would be you.

Judge R. D. Whopper:
...Listen, I've been married for twenty five years to the same wonderful, infuriating woman. And granted there are days when I want to light her on fire but I don't, because I love her. And that would be illegal. And you know something, and I might be old fashioned but when I said those vows, I meant them.

Jack Fuller:
I did take myself out of the game. If you stop betting, you never have to lose.

Joy McNally:
Is there any part of the night, I don't know, maybe say the part where I was about to marry the rebound guy, that you thought, 'hey oh my God, this is a really good time for an intervention'?

Tipper:
[extremely hungover] Seriously?

Joy McNally:
Yeah.

Tipper:
I like... threw up in my own purse... so...

Jack Fuller:
Hey, don't get hit by a bus [door slams behind Joy]. Or do, whatever.

Joy McNally:
The grown-ups have to go to work today... What are you going to do all day?

Jack Fuller:
I don't know yet [shoves cereal in mouth]

Joy McNally:
Hmph.

Jack Fuller:
I'd rather do nothing and be happy than do something I know I don't love.

Joy McNally:
Words to live by, Yanni.

Hater:
I can have a vial of crabs here in 30 minutes.

Jack Fuller:
Will to be married to me... again?

Joy McNally:
[sighs] Being with you makes me be myself again so I will be married to you... again.

[they kiss]

Joy McNally:
I quit my job.

Jack Fuller:
Good thing we have a ton of money!

Jack Fuller:
Where's the one place where you can step up and be a man?

Hater:
Community college?

Chong:
Be whoever you want to be, you'll still gonna be my subordinate.

Joy McNally:
Excuse me?

Chong:
It's from the Latin, meaning "my b*tch."

Mason:
Well, this is my place so technically you'd be the one... who has to leave, but... are you crying?

Mason:
[switches on light]

Tipper:
Surprise...

Mason:
Oh... sh*t balls...

Hater:
Lavender, you get on my head.

Chong:
I eat girls like you.

Joy McNally:
You eat girls?

Chong:
That's not what I me...

Joy McNally:
No, makes sense.

Chong:
No! I'm not...

Joy McNally:
Totally understandable.

Hater:
I didn't invent hip hop... but I was there!

Hater:
You should never let a chick get in your head; that's why I prefer not to even talk to my dates.

Jack Fuller:
It's like you're trying to come in first, but it's someone else's race.

Jack Fuller:
[accepting an award] I have to thank my wife Joy. She probably never told you all the story about how we met. It might come as a surprise to many of you that we didn't know each other for very long before we got hitched. What can I say - when you know, you know.

Jack Fuller:
If you stop betting, you never have to lose.

Joy McNally:
I'd bet on you, Jack.

Hater:
Take him to court. It might be nice.

Jack Fuller:
What am I going to do about money?

Hater:
Wow, you're just realizing that, right now? Fascinating.

Hater:
[talking to tipper] You know what stripper? You're kind of a disgusting skank.

Hater:
You're falling for your wife! Idiot!

Judge R. D. Whopper:
[referring to Jack and Joy] Gay people aren't ruining the sanctity of marriage, you people are!

Jack Fuller:
[before entering their first marital counseling session] You ready for this?

Joy McNally:
Pretend that you don't make me vomit in my nose every time I look at you? Definitely.

Jack:
So why are you here

Joy:
Oh you know just living it up...being crazy. What about you?

Jack:
Oh I'm here on business...I'm very important in my field...

Joy:
Really?

Jack:
No..I just got fired.

Joy:
I just got dumped.

Jack:
Did I mention I got fired by my father?

Joy:
Did I mention that I threw my fiance a surprise birthday party and the surprise was he dumped me in front of all our closest friends while they hid in the closets?

Jack:
You win.

Joy:
(After finding out that they were booked in the same room with Jack and Hater) OK, so we both know how this is going to work. I am going to complain, and you are going to tell me there's nothing you can do about it, when we both know that is a big fat lie. So why don't you go ahead and type in those special codes that you know you are going to type in eventually, and give me two rooms that are so... nice... that it will turn my night right back around. (Smiles)

Hotel Clerk:
OK...I'm going to do just what you said because honestly...I'm a little frightened of you.

Jack:
Jack Fuller. (Introducing himself to Joy's boss)

Richard:
Richard Banger.

Jack:
Richard Banger?...Dick Banger? You my friend have just supplied us with jokes for the whole weekend...(slight pause)

Richard:
Well you must be Jack ...Off...ha ha give it to me baby!!

Dr. Twitchell:
Jack what happened to you? (asked after seeing Jack's black eye)

Jack:
I fell...and hit my head on the door knob

Dr. Twitchell:
You fell?

Jack:
Yeah...I fall a lot these days...I'm so clumsy.

Dr. Twitchell:
Are you sure no one did this to you?

Jack:
I (glances at Joy) I'm suppose to line the hand towels up just so..and I didn't and I'm sorry. And I forgot to put the toilet seat down, and she said "Put it down or I'm going to put you down!!" And... (Joy pulls out cell phone and shows a video of Bear and Hater beating up Jack)

Dr. Twitchell:
Can we get back to therapy now?

Jack:
Yes...yes we can..

Jack:
Yeah that's a little bit of me...and some other people. (Response when Joy says his bed stinks)

Jack:
Oh yeah this is happening (said while peeing in the kitchen sink) oh, and by the way, it's your day on dishes

Jack:
(To Joy when she sees the bathroom) Don't throw all of that hair away. I'm saving it up to make you something special... like a hat... or a sweater.

Jack:
I'd rather do nothing and be happy than do something I know I don't love.

Jack:
(To Doctor Twitchell at councilling) Her candles smell awesome!

Jack:
(Morning after the drunk wedding) What's mine is yours! Me coffee su coffee, haha...

Joy:
What happened to "what's mine is yours baby.." we're married now...remember?

Joy:
To anyone who has ever been dumped and to anyone who has ever been fired...when I say screw you say you...

Joy:
I'm not usually this much fun!

Joy:
I can totally do this! (Gasps after seeing the bathroom) I can't do this.

Joy:
And where's that, Jack? The starting line? Cause I got news for you buddy, the gun already went off!

Joy:
You took yourself out of the game.

Tipper:
They ring the door bell and when he answers they JUNK-punch him right up in his man-business, and while he lying there on the floor writhing in pain asking "Why?", they answer. "YOU know why.." (nods smiling at her plan)

Tipper:
Like seriously, I like threw up in my own purse.

Tipper:
Your friend wouldn't know a good time if it sat on his face

Tipper:
You I don't like and your friend, I want to cut him

Bear:
Now that you aren't married anymore...can I get her number...(pause)..ok maybe later

Hater:
They should make a law about what a bad lawyer I am...then again I wouldn't know about it

Hater:
She is a wily temptress...and what do wily temptress do? They tempt you, in a wily temptress way...and then play you.

Hater:
Uh...I, I don't have my glasses...

Mason:
Did you just make a plan to make a plan?