Will Ferrell: You're Welcome America - A Final Night with George W Bush

[first lines]

George W. Bush:
That was weird. When the pilots of Marine One said they were going to drop me off in New York City, I thought they were joking. I said, "Sure. Y'know, while you're at it, why don't you drop me off in the faggy Theater District?" And guess what, they did! So the joke's on me. But let me be clear about something - I'm just kidding, okay? I don't think theater's faggy. Except for "Cats." and "I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change." Yeah, that one's queer and Yiddishy. You know, if you want to treat yourself to just a wonderful night out at the theater, just an outstanding show about pride and work ethic and values without any sort of gay agenda, go see "Rent." Laura and I must've seen that show no less than eighty times.

George W. Bush:
Let us pray. Dear Lord Jesus Christ, and by Jesus Christ I'm referring to blond, good-looking, lightly-bearded or clean-shaven Jesus Christ, not hippie-looking Jesus or swarthy, more Middle Eastern Jesus - who's probably more historically accurate - not that guy. So dear clean-shaven or lightly-bearded-like-Mike-Piazza Jesus, we give thanks to you and to everything you do. Your love and acceptance washes over all of us like the warm healing waters in one of those European toilets that cleans you inside and out. I believe it's called a bid-ett. Dear blond, almost Swiss-looking Jesus, we ask you to allow us to accept everyone in this theater tonight, regardless of their religious beliefs, whether it be Muslim, or Hindu, or Jewish, or witchcraft.

George W. Bush:
For the next ten years, Secret Service has to do anything I want. For instance, if I'm at a Reba McEntire concert and I'm too tired to walk back to the car, Secret Service has to, by law, carry me piggyback back to the parking lot.

George W. Bush:
I was a simple, normal kid. I liked to do simple, normal things. Like shoot wrist rockets at a stray cat strapped to a propane tank. Just basic mischief, you know? Or like this one time, we shot up a sleeping hobo full of novocaine, then we'd yell, "Pie on the windowsill!" And they'd wake up all numb and poor and we'd laugh. But that's just the kind of stuff you do growing up in Midland, when you're a young, precocious little thirty-year-old.

George W. Bush:
One time, I did convince all the family to come down here one Easter. I took all the Bush men - Dad, Jeb, Neil, Marvin - on a tour of an old abandoned mineshaft I found on the outskirts of the ranch. It was fun, all the Bush guys reminiscing, clowning around in an old abandoned mineshaft, when wouldn't you know, it collapses on us. We'd be trapped for three days, and the whole while, my Dad's up my ass saying things like, "Goddammit, George! Did you test this shaft to see if it was safe?" I'm like, "No! Of course not! It's just an abandoned mineshaft, you just go climb around in it! Besides, I thought you'd like it, 'cause it's historical!" And then Jeb's like, "Everyone shut up, we've gotta conserve oxygen!" I'm like, "I don't give a sh*t! God's got a plan for me! If this is the way I go, then this is the way I go!" Then my Dad's like, "Gimme a f***ing break! Did you tell anyone where we were going?" And I'm like, "No! I didn't! I only thought we'd be gone an hour!" He's like, "You've gotta be kidding me!" All of a sudden, Marvin starts screaming, "I crushed my maid with a car!" And Neil starts yelling, "I once had sex with thirty Thai hookers at once!" And then Jeb's like, "I'm being serious, let's conserve oxygen!" I'm like, "Enough with the damn oxygen!" And my Dad's like, "Why are you the only one in this family that speaks with a Texas accent? It makes no sense!" I'm like, "Do I? Do I have an accent? 'Cause if I do, I can't hear it!" And just then, as my Dad was about to lunge for my neck, we heard some rocks moving, and outside was my Mom, all ripped and muscular, throwing boulders away from the opening of the mineshaft. She then pulled us out one by one and placed us on a cart, and pulled the cart like a powerful draft horse all the way back home, her deltoids twitching, her loins covered in a milky white froth. It was one of the most gross and impressive things I'd ever seen. I was crying and barfing all at the same time.

George W. Bush:
They said, "Gore's calling again," I'm like, "What's his deal?" They said, "This time he's calling to take back his concession 'cause it's too close to call and they're doing a statewide recall," and I'm like, "You can't take it back!" He's like, "Yes I can." I'm like, "No you can't." He's like, "Says who?" And I paused and I thought real hard. Then I said, "The Geneva Convention, that's who," and I hung up the phone again. turns out I was wrong. The Geneva Convention pertains more to the laws that will govern the Moon once it's colonized. But it sure felt good at the moment.

George W. Bush:
Yes, one time I did walk in on Dick Cheney down in the basement of the White House, and he was being f***ed by a giant goat-devil in a room full of pentagrams. And he looked up at me with solid silver glowing orb-like eyes, and his breath had a strong ammonia scent to it, and he told me in a language that I knew in my heart had not been spoken in over a thousand years, "Parrav go lahlah!" And I just ran, I just got the hell out of there.

[Speaking about the book "The Pet Goat"]

George W. Bush:
A mere eight months into my presidency, on September 11th, I'm interrupted from reading one of the more fascinating stories I've ever come across with news that the world as we know it has gone cuckoo. So stunned was I by the news of the day's events, combined with the power of the narrative found in "The Pet Goat," that I just sat there in silence for over seven minutes.

[On Morocco's contribution to the Iraq War]

George W. Bush:
Then of course there was Morocco, who pledged to send 2,000 monkeys to detonate land mines and perform at children's parties. Then there seemed to be some question as to whether or not Morocco had the monkeys, and I said, "Regardless of whether they have them or not, that sounds cool as sh*t and I want that." A special unit of 2,000 trained monkeys that we can send anywhere in the world to fight evil and make children laugh? Duh! Despite vigorous protests from my Cabinet, I put into motion Operation Primate Speargun. For one year, a special unit of 2,000 wild monkeys trained side by side with the 82nd Airborne down at Fort Bragg in total secrecy. In order to ensure a maximum covert operation, most of the training was done at night. I was heavily invested in the unit, so I'd often fly down to participate in field exercises, and one of the things I noticed during the exercises was that many of the monkeys would simply run off into the woods, randomly shooting their spearguns at each other or inanimate objects. So I asked my field commanders, I said, "How often had this been happening?" And they said that this type of thing had happened every single time. So then I asked a tough question, "Why do you think it's happening?" The Major said that his guess was because they were wild monkeys, and that they as soldiers didn't have the proper training to work with them. So I looked at 'em right in the eye, and I said, "But we're gonna get there, right?" He said, "I doubt it, Sir." I said, "Well, hold on, let me ask you this. Are they at least entertaining the children?" He said he'd have no idea of knowing, but that his guess would be no, considering it was a top secret operation and no one knew the monkeys were there, especially the children. At the end of exercises, all but forty monkeys had run off into the North Carolina woods. Speargun attacks along the I-95 corridor have increased 1,000 percent in that time. So let me just tell you this: if you're planning a car trip down to Disney World, don't stop at the rest stops, okay? 'Cause there's a 50-50 chance a malnourished monkey is gonna pop up out of a toilet, shoot you in the face with a speargun.

[last lines]

George W. Bush:
I just want to say one last thing. You're welcome America.