Witless Protection

Larry:
[smarting after a handshake from Duvall] Man, my hand ain't been this sore since the first episode of "Baywatch".

Larry:
[telling Madeleine to flee] You need to speed it up. I'm trying to execute a flawless ejaculation.

Sheriff Smoot:
Elmer's in the barn. He's armed, and he's got a hostage, somebody named Buttercup. We figure it's either his girlfriend or his horse.

Larry:
With Elmer, it's the same thing.

Larry:
Having money isn't the same thing as having class you know.

Madeleine:
Why do I bother with a man who keeps a possum in his glove compartment?

Larry:
Wally's in the glove box? Wally! Wally!

Connie:
Where's your warrant... to bust in here?

Ricardo Bodl:
I can tell you in two words, national security.

Connie:
I can tell you back in two words. Bull

[pumps shotgun]

Connie:
sh*t!

Larry:
You know, the only way to get them folks to back off is if you give them the key to the access codes.

Madeleine:
Or if I'm dead.

Larry:
Wait a minute. Sure, I can kill ya. Then I'd have a lot of explaining to do.

Larry:
I'm gonna shove that BlackBerry up where it's gonna be a BrownBerry.

Larry:
Ah. Boy, Connie, you know what your malts do to me?

Connie:
Countin' on it, darlin'. I get off in an hour.

Larry:
Ain't gonna take that long. I got Crisco at my house.

Larry:
You gotta be kidding me. That girl had more scars on her chest than Frankenstein.

Norm:
That's because she was mauled by a bear. But her b*obs were real.

Madeleine:
Are you trying to imply that you didn't just break wind?

Larry:
That little squeak? That was all you, sugar. Believe me, if I let one fly, they'll pick that up on the Doppler.

Larry:
How can I trust you?

Wilford Duvall:
Trust me?

Larry:
Yeah, trust you.

Wilford Duvall:
Trust this.

[Duvall pulls out a gun, Larry passes gas]

Larry:
Oh. That was a fear fart.

Arthur Grimsley:
Well played, for a hillbilly.

Larry:
Hey, I won. That means I get to go to your big hoedown tonight.

Arthur Grimsley:
In your dreams.

Larry:
No, I dream about getting a nut rub from Scarlett Johansson. That ain't gonna happen.

Larry:
Wait here.

Madeleine:
Alone?

Larry:
If I get killed or captured or knocked in the head with a ball peen hammer, call Doc Savage.

Madeleine:
On my two-way wrist TV?

Larry:
That's Dick Tracy. Rondog Savage. My brother-in-law. He's the medical examiner around this area.

[first lines]

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[last lines]

Connie:
I didn't think I'd ever see you again, 'cept maybe on "Cops".

Larry:
Well, guess I had to take the long way around to figure out what I really wanted was just to be with you.