Bubba Ho-tep

Elvis:
Ask not what your rest home can do for you. Ask what you can do for your rest home.

JFK:
Hey, you're copying my best lines!

Elvis:
Then let me paraphrase one of my own. Let's take care of business.

JFK:
Just what are you getting at, Elvis?

Elvis:
I think you know what I'm getting' at Mr. President. We're gonna kill us a mummy.

Elvis:
Don't make me use my stuff on ya, baby!

Elvis:
It'd been two presidential elections since I'd had a boner like that.

Elvis:
You f*** off ya patronizin b*tch! I'm sick'a yer sh*t! I'll lube my own crankshaft from now on. You treat me like a baby again I'll wrap this goddamn walker right around yer head!

Elvis:
Thank you. Thank you very very much.

Elvis:
LBJ is dead

JFK:
Well, that ain't gonna stop him

Elvis:
Never, but never f*** with the king!

Elvis:
Jack wait. Marilyn, how was she?

JFK:
That... is classified. Top Secret! But between you and me... Wow!

Elvis:
Uh, Mr. President... You're on the floor.

JFK:
No sh*t?

Elvis:
But what do I care? I got a growth on my pecker.

Elvis:
I was dreamin'. Dreamin' my dick was out and I was checkin' to see if that infected bump on the head of it had filled with pus again. If it had, I was gonna name it after my ex-wife Priscilla and bust it by jackin' off. Or I'd like to think that's what I'd do. Dreams let you think like that. Truth was, I hadn't had a hard-on in years.

Elvis:
That's it? I mean, we're investigating a scuttling in the hall, trying to figure out who attacked you last night, and you bring me here to look at stick pictures on the sh*t house wall, man?

Elvis:
No offense, Jack, but President Kennedy was a white man.

JFK:
They dyed me this color! That's how clever they are!

JFK:
He had me on the floor. I had his mouth over my a**hole!

Elvis:
A shiteater?

JFK:
I don't think so. He was after my soul. Now you can get that out of any major orifice of a person's body. I read about it.

Elvis:
Oh, yeah? Where, man? Hustler?

Kemosabe:
A**hole! A**hole! A**hole! A**hole!... A**hole!

The Nurse:
Don't carry it too far. You may just get way out there and not come back.

Elvis:
Oh, f*** you!

Elvis:
Sh*t! Get old, you can't even cuss someone and have it bother 'em. Everything you do is either worthless or sadly amusing.

Elvis:
So I signed everything over to Sebastian. Except for enough money to sustain me if things got bad. I was determined to make myself a new life. A better one. But me and Sebastian, we had us a deal. If I wanted to trade back, he'd let me. It was all written up in the contract. Thing was, I lost my copy in a barbeque accident.

Elvis:
What do I really have left in life but this place? It ain't much of a home, but it's all I got. Well, goddamnit. I'll be damned if I let some foreign, graffiti writin', soul suckin', son of a b*tch in an oversized cowboy hat and boots take my friend's souls and sh*t 'em down the visitors toilet!

Elvis:
It's time for A-C-T-I-O-N!

JFK:
Would you like a ding-dong

JFK:
Oh, I don't mean *mine*! I mean a chocolate ding-dong.

JFK:
Of course mine *would* be chocolate now that I've been dyed.

JFK:
I'm thinking with sand here!

JFK:
Now this top line translates into, "Pharoah gobbles donkey goobers," and the bottom line, "Cleopatra does the nasty."

Elvis:
Say what?

JFK:
Well pretty much, that's the best I can translate it.

Callie:
It was nice meeting you, Mr. Presley.

Elvis:
Get the hell outta here.

Elvis:
Now the two key words for tonight - "caution" and "flammable".

JFK:
Also "watch your ass".

Elvis:
Sh*t, Bubba Ho-tep comes out of that creek bed, he's going to come out hungry and pissed. When I try to stop him he's going to shove this paint can up my ass and he's going to shove me and that wheelchair up Jack's ass.

Elvis:
T.C.B., baby.

Elvis:
The revealing of her panties wasn't intentional or unintentional. She just didn't give a damn. She saw me as so physically and sexually non-threatening, she didn't mind if I get a bird's eye view of her love nest. It was same to her as a house cat sneaking a peek.

Elvis:
Where'd old Bubba Ho-Tep go?