Cable Guy

Chip Douglas:
You were never there for me were you mother? You expected Mike and Carol Brady to raise me! I'm the bastard son of Claire Huxtable! I am a Lost Cunningham! I learned the facts of life from watching The Facts of Life! Oh God!

Chip Douglas:
You might recognize this song as performed by Jefferson Airplane, in a little rockumentary called "Gimme Shelter," about the Rolling Stones and their nightmare at Altamont. That night the Oakland chapter of the Hell's Angels had their way. Tonight, it's my turn.

Rick:
Look, Chip Douglas, I don't know what your story is, but I'm going to find out!

Chip Douglas:
Well, don't dig to deep or you might get burnt by the molten lava!

Steven:
You're right. That's incredibly insightful.

Chip Douglas:
I know. It was Jerry Springer's final thought on Friday's show.

Chip Douglas:
This concludes our broadcast day. Click.

Chip Douglas:
Wow, the old McNair place. Never thought they'd get the floors clean after what happened.

Steven Kovacs:
Why? What happened?

Chip Douglas:
They had a lot of cats.

Chip Douglas:
Come on Stevie, time to leavey, It's the fun bus man!

Chip Douglas:
Hey Steve I'm on a pay phone, so if you're there pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, well OK, call me back.

Chip Douglas:
Free cable is the ultimate aphrodisiac.

Chip Douglas:
Dry land is not a myth. I've seen it. Kevin Costner. Waterworld. I don't know what the big fuss is about. I saw that movie nine times. It rules!

Steven:
Can I get a knife or fork?

Wench:
There were no utensils in medieval times, hence there are no utensils AT Medieval Times. Would you like a refill on that Pepsi?

Steven:
There were no utensils but there was Pepsi?

Wench:
Dude, I got a lot of tables.

Chip Douglas:
I'll juice ya up.

Chip Douglas:
Come back here, so that I may brain thee!

Chip Douglas:
He who hesitates, masturbates.

Chip Douglas:
Wake up lil snoozy! Smell the smelling salts!

Chip Douglas:
I got you the big screen TV, deluxe karaoke machine, and THX quality sound that would make George Lucas cream in his pants!

Chip Douglas:
Here is a comment card. Please mail it in when I am done.

Steven Kovacs:
Does this go to your boss?

Chip Douglas:
No it goes to me, I'm sort of a perfectionis... perfectionis... t.

Chip Douglas:
Call it one guy doing another guy a solid.

Steven Kovacs:
That is so nice!

Chip Douglas:
Well you're a nice guy! You'd be surprised how many customers treat me like snot, like I'm a goddamn plumber or somethin'.

Steven Kovacs:
Hey, wait, come back!

Chip Douglas:
Well look who decided to show.

Steven Kovacs:
You were supposed to be here 4 hours ago.

Chip Douglas:
Was I? So I'm the tardy one?

Steven Kovacs:
Yeah, I was gonna go to that bed and bath place and now it's closed.

Chip Douglas:
Well maybe I shouldn't have come at all, JERK OFF! I'm just jokin' with ya.

Chip Douglas:
The future is now! Soon every American home will integrate their television, phone and computer. You'll be able to visit the Louvre on one channel, or watch female wrestling on another. You can do your shopping at home, or play Mortal Kombat with a friend from Vietnam. There's no end to the possibilities!

Chip Douglas:
I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. You seem to prefer the latter.

Chip Douglas:
I forgive you. I only hope my neurologist will feel the same.

Chip Douglas:
The blue knight rules! The red knight sucks the big one! Down, down, down. Right knight goin' down. Down, down, down. Red knight goin' down.

Chip Douglas:
Dos thus have thou a mug of ale for me and me mate, for he hath been pitched in battle with a fort knight and has the king's thirst for the frosty brew dos thou might have for thus!

Steven:
You know, my brother is a speech therapist.

Chip Douglas:
Tho?

Chip Douglas:
You better buckle up. I've had a lot to drink... just kidding. That's my humor!

Chip Douglas:
You know what the trouble about real life is? There's no danger music.

Chip Douglas:
What a place for an ending, huh? It's like that movie 'Goldeneye'!

The Cable Guy:
Sounds like heart break to me.

Steven Kovacs:
Well I really don't want to discuss it with you. Could you just install my cable please? I'm gonna go get dressed.

The Cable Guy:
Suit yourself. No sweat off my sac. Oh by the way, you might wanna put on a bathing suit 'cause you'll be channel surfing in no time!

Steven:
No it's not!

Steven:
No it isn't!

Steven:
Isn't!

Steven:
Isn't!

The Cable Guy:
I love this game!

The Cable Guy:
Hey, Rick! I never made a slam dunk before. Thanks for the boost.

Steven Kovacs:
Dammit. Son of a b*tch! The cable's out.

Medieval Times host:
Preferred customer my ASS!

Steven Kovacs:
What's going on?

Chip Douglas:
It appears that we're going to do battle, Steven.

Steven Kovacs:
Is this a normal part of the show?

Chip Douglas:
No, but I gave all the knights free cable. They thought it would be cool if we went at it for a while.

Steven Kovacs:
Is it safe?

Chip Douglas:
Sure, that's what the armor's for. Come on.

Steven Kovacs:
Don't be mad. Can't you get somebody else?

Rick:
Sure. Maybe I'll take MY cable guy.

Chip Douglas:
Cable guy!

Chip Douglas:
Cably Guy? Cable Guy!

Chip Douglas:
Cabla goobla!

Steven Kovacs:
What are you doing?

Chip Douglas:
I'm just talking trash.

Steven Kovacs:
You ruined the game.

Chip Douglas:
I don't appreciate your tone, Steve. Friends aren't supposed to talk to each other that way...

Steven Kovacs:
What are you talking about? We're not friends. I don't even know you.

Chip Douglas:
Well let's change that. Let me buy you a Heineken.

Steven Kovacs:
I hate you! Get out of my life!

Chip Douglas:
He's projecting all of his anger onto me. Maybe I should go.

Robin Harris:
No, don't go. Steven, you are being an a**hole!

Medieval Times host:
Quickly, muster atop your steed. Buddy, get on the friggin' horse. I don't think he's kidding.

Chip Douglas:
Hello, Steven, I came as soon as I could.

Steven Kovacs:
What's your real name?

Chip Douglas:
It's Larry Tate, but that's not what's important right now. We have to get you out of here. I was watching Court TV and I found a loophole in your case. I'm gonna talk to the judge about a writ of Habeas Corpus. I'll put the SYSTEM on trial.

Steven Kovacs:
Why are you doing this to me?

Chip Douglas:
I didn't do this to you, you did this to you.

Steven Kovacs:
You'll be fine. I'll be your pal, just come on up!

Chip Douglas:
No. It's too late for me, but there are alot of little cable boys and girls out there who STILL have a chance! Don't you understand, Steven? Somebody has to kill the babysitter.

Helicopter paramedic:
Hang in there, pal! You're gonna make it, buddy.

Chip Douglas:
Hey!

Chip Douglas:
Am I really your buddy?

Helicopter paramedic:
Yeah, sure you are.

Steven Kovacs:
Guard! This is the guy who framed me. He set me up. Arrest him!

Chip Douglas:
Hey Bernie, how's that sports package?

Chip Douglas:
Okay!

Chip Douglas:
I just wanna hang out. NO BIG DEAL!

Rick:
I have a list here of every cable installer fired in the last four years. Check out some of these names: Murray Slauter, George Jetson, Jean Luc Picard, there's even somebody who liked to call himself "The Big Ragoo".

Steven Kovacs:
Carmichael from Laverne & Shirley.

Rick:
That's so sad that you know that. Anyway, the cable company has just fired somebody six months ago named Darrin Stephens. You may remember his boss, Larry Tate, from a little show called Bewitched.

Steven Kovacs:
So... He doesn't even work for the cable company.

Rick:
Yahtzee! They booted his ass for stalking customers. This guy is deeply troubled. If I were you, I'd lock up TIGHT.

Chip Douglas:
Penis. Penis. Penis...?

Robin Harris:
Vagina?

Chip Douglas:
YES! She said "vagina"! She said "vagina"!

Steven's father:
I would've said "schlong".

Chip Douglas:
Great. Now we're starting to get this.