CHP Officer:
What are you boys trying to pull?

J.J. McClure:
There's been a nuclear meltdown and we're transporting some contaminated materials to Connecticut.

CHP Officer:
Well, why Connecticut?

J.J. McClure:
They ran out.

Blake:
We're gonna die. We're gonna die, we're gonna die. What do you think they're gonna do to us?

Fenderbaum:
I don't know what they're gonna do to you, but since Mr. T ain't here, I'll be too busy licking their boots to see.

King:
How come you have a blond, blue-eyed slave?

Shiek:
He's an actor. Hasn't had a series in seven years.

The Slapper:
Nine.

Marcie:
Does it look bad?

Mack:
Not from where I'm standing.

Jill:
Oh, can you fix it then?

Mack:
Honey, I've got a tool that'll fix anything.

Blake:
Is the Blimp driving?

Fenderbaum:
No, it's the General.

Blake:
The General? Oh, I'm gonna make a private outta him.

Don Canneloni:
In the past, the Canneloni family was the most powerful of the families. We controlled drugs, prostitution, extortion, prostitution, gambling...

Slim:
Uh, you said 'prostitution' twice.

Don Canneloni:
Well, I like it.

Fenderbaum:
It's General Patton and general admission.

J.J. McClure:
Heckle and Jeckle dressed as cops. They oughta arrest their minds for vagrancy.

Jill:
Aw, come on. It'll be a weekend you'll never forget.

Marcie:
It's gonna be a weekend you can tell your kids about. If they're all boys.

Tony:
We've put our heads together, and we've decided we're gonna rip off the Arab, on the road, during the car race.

Don Don Canneloni:
Oh, you put your heads together, huh? IT MUST'VE SOUNDED LIKE A BOWLING ALLEY.

Captain Chaos:
J.J... Long time, no see.

J.J. McClure:
Nice to see you, Captain Chaos.

Captain Chaos:
Have no fear, 'Him' is here.

Jill:
You know, Marcie, we've got this routine down.

Marcie:
Yeah. I think we're ready for the Cannonball.

Jill:
Oh, I think so. How far is Redondo beach?

Marcie:
150 miles.

Jill:
Hah. An hour flat.

Marcie:
What're we waiting for?

Hymie Kaplan:
Friend or foe?

Arnold:
Guess.

King:
I order you back to America to win the Cannonball Run. I give you one last chance because you are my only son with a driver's license.

Shiek:
But, Pop, there is no Cannonball Run this year.

King:
So, buy one.

Shiek:
Here is to good luck. May it all be mine.

J.J. McClure:
I need a girl.

Victor:
Yeah, me too.

J.J. McClure:
You?

Victor:
Sure. Hey, J.J., I'm not a eunuch, you know.

J.J. McClure:
Of course you're not a eunuch. Don't put yourself down like that. You have a striking resemblance to a eunuch but...

J.J. McClure:
Just kidding.

Marcie:
Can you imagine the stories J.J.'s making up about last night? He's driving poor old Victor crazy.

Jill:
Yeah, well poor old Victor's buying every word of it.

Marcie:
Well, what he doesn't know ain't gonna hurt us.

Jill:
Never has.

Blake:
Don't you worry, 'cause you know what I'm gonna do?

Fenderbaum:
What?

Blake:
I'm gonna take this car, and I'm gonna turn so that I block the whole highway sideways. And when they come, they're gonna have a choice, either to ditch it, or ram right straight into us.

Fenderbaum:
Yeah. Yeah. Ditch it or... ram STRAIGHT INTO US?

Blake:
Yup.

Blake:
When I make a dry martini, I make a dry martini.

Don Don Canneloni:
Hymie Kaplan. What a surprise. Ooh, ohh, wow. You look great. So, what brings you to the Pinto Ranch? Business or pleasure?

Hymie Kaplan:
May I have a chair?

Don Don Canneloni:
Oh, certainly.

Don Don Canneloni:
Oh. It's business.

J.J. McClure:
What line did you say you were from?

Betty:
The Order of Imaculate Chastity.

Victor:
The Order of Imaculate Chastity? I read the bible all the time. In fact, I once read the bible that was printed on the head of a pin. That was hard. But, I've never heard of the Order of Imaculate...

Veronica:
You have to read the New Testament. In fact, it's not even the New Testament. It's the New... uh...

Betty:
New Wave.

Don Don Canneloni:
Can I buy you a drink?

Fenderbaum:
But of course.

Don Don Canneloni:
Cherice? Cherice?

Don Don Canneloni:
Oh, they seem to be so busy.

Blake: