Clark:
Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.

Bethany:
Is your house on fire, Clark?

Clark:
No, Aunt Bethany, those are the Christmas lights.

Todd:
Hey Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?

Clark:
Bend over and I'll show you.

Todd:
You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that Griswold.

Clark:
I wasn't talking to you.

Clark:
Burn dust, eat my rubber.

Rusty Griswold:
You mean burn rubber, eat my dust.

Clark:
Whatever

Clark:
Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is. Hallelujah. Holy shit. Where's the Tylenol?

Clark:
Well I'm gonna park the cars and get the suit cases, and well, I'll be outside for the season.

Clark:
Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?

Eddie:
Naw, I'm doing just fine, Clark.

Clark:
'Tis the season to be merry.

Mary:
That's my name.

Clark:
No shit.

Uncle Lewis:
Hey Grizz, Bethany and I figured out the perfect gift for you.

Clark:
Aw, you didn't have to get me anything.

Uncle Lewis:
Dammit, Bethany, he guessed it.

Clark:
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.

Ellen:
What are you looking at?

Clark:
Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer...

Eddie:
Shitter was full.

Clark:
Ah, yeah. You checked our shitters, honey?

Ellen:
Clark, please. He doesn't know any better.

Clark:
He oughta know it's illegal. That's a storm sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match within ten yards of it.

Bethany:
Don't throw me down Clark.

Clark:
I'll try not to, Aunt Bethany...

Ruby Sue:
Rocky bit my thumb. He's nervous.

Clark:
Nervous or excited?

Ruby Sue:
Shittin' bricks.

Clark:
You shouldn't use that word.

Ruby Sue:
Sorry. Shittin' rocks

Ellen:
Clark, Audrey's frozen from the waist down.

Clark:
That's all part of the experience honey.

Eddie:
I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.

Clark:
Do you really think it matters, Eddie?

Clark:
Where's Eddie he usually eats these God damn things.

Clark:
We're kicking off our fun old fashion family Christmas by heading out into the country in the old front-wheel drive sleigh to embrace the frosty majesty of the winter landscape and select that most important of Christmas symbols.

Audrey:
We're not coming all the way out here just to get one of those stupid ties with Santa Clauses on it are we?

Clark:
No, I have one of those at home.

Eddie:
You surprised to see us, Clark?

Clark:
Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.

Eddie:
If you scratch his belly Clark, he will love you till the day you die.

Clark:
I really shouldn't Eddie my hands are all chapped.

Eddie:
If that cat had nine lives it sure used 'em all.

Ellen:
I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery.

Margo:
And why is the carpet wet, Todd?

Todd:
I don't Know Margo.

Eddie:
Every time Catherine would turn on the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour.

Audrey:
Do you sleep with your brother? Do you know how sick and twisted that is?

Ellen:
Well, I'm sleeping with your father.

Audrey:
I hope nobody I know drives by and sees me standing in the yard staring at the house in my pajamas.

Art:
If they know your dad, they won't think anything of it.

Ellen:
Oh Aunt Bethany, you shouldn't have done that.

Aunt Bethany:
Oh dear, did I break wind?

Uncle Lewis:
Jesus, did the room clear out, Bethany? Hell no, she means presents. You shouldn't have brought presents.

Art:
Hurry up, Clark. I'm freezing my baguettes off.

Ellen:
Welcome to our home - what's left of it.

Aunt Bethany:
Is this the airport Clark?

Aunt Bethany:
Is Rusty still in the navy?

Aunt Bethany:
What's that sound?

Uncle Lewis:
You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant

Frances:
Talk about pissing your money away. I hope you kids see what a silly waste of resources this was.

Art:
So do washing machines.

Todd:
I can't just attack someone.

Uncle Lewis:
Hey Gris, if you're not doing anything constructive, run into the living room and get my stogey.

Clark:
Is there anything else I can do for you, Uncle Lewis?

Ellen:
He's an old man. This may be his last Christmas.

Clark:
If he keeps it up, it WILL be his last Christmas.

Clark:
I simply solved the problem. We needed a coffin... Er, a tree. There are no lots open on Christmas Eve. Lewis burned down my tree so I replaced it as best I could. Voilà.

Ellen:
Are you okay?

Clark:
Russ, go get the hammer.

Ellen:
Clark, what do you need a hammer for?

Clark:
I'm gonna catch it in the coat... And smack it with the hammer.

Clark:
Russ, we checked every bulb didn't we?

Clark:
Hmm... Maybe we ought to just go up there and check...

Clark:
Oh, I was just smelling - smiling. I was just blouse - brousing. I, uh, heh heh. Well, I guess it just wouldn't... Oh hee hee, it wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter than they - HOTTER than they are. Whew. It is warm in here, isn't it?

Mary:
You have your coat on.

Clark:
Yes, oh do I? Yeah, it is a bit nipply out. I mean nippy. What am I saying, nipple?

Clark:
Our holidays were always such a mess.

Clark Sr.:
Oh, yeah.

Clark:
How'd you get through it?

Clark Sr.:
I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels.

Ruby Sue:
Uncle Clark, are you sure you ain't Santa Claus?

Clark:
I'm sure... I can't even afford to be an elf.

Ellen:
Clark, I think it'd be best if everyone went home... before things get worse.

Clark:
WORSE? How could things get any worse? Take a look around here, Ellen. We're at the threshold of hell.

Clark:
The most enjoying traditions of the season are best enjoyed in the warm embrace of kith and kin. Thith tree is a thymbol of the thpirit of the Griswold family Chrithmath.

Ellen:
You set standards that no family activity can live up to.

Clark:
When have I ever done that?

Ellen:
Parties, weddings, anniversaries, funerals, holidays, vacations, graduations...

Clark:
I dedicate this house to the Griswold Family Christmas.

Audrey:
Would it be indecent to ask the grandparents to stay at a hotel?

Eddie:
Merry Christmas. Shitter was full.

Clark:
My cousin in-law whose heart is bigger than his brain...

Eddie:
I appreciate that, Clark.

Clark:
...Is innocent.