Complete Works of William Shakespeare

Reed Martin:
We're racially challenged.

Reed Martin:
We left Adam on his own to research this play. Apparently, he looked up "moor" in the dictionary and thought it was where you tie up boats.

Adam Long:
That's what it told me it is, man!

Austin Tichenor:
Which, in the course of this context is completely ridiculous, because, you see, in the 16th Century, the word moor referred to a black person.

Adam Long:
I feel like such a dork.

Austin Tichenor:
Yeah, well, go with the feeling.

Adam Long:
I've got an idea that's totally boat-less. Maybe if we just get a rythm going, you know, like...

Adam Long:
Here's the story of a brother by the name of Othello. He liked white women, and he liked... green... Jell-O.

Austin Tichenor:
Hey, yeah! And a punk named Iago, made himself a menace because

Austin Tichenor:
he didn't like Othello, the moor of Venice!

McDuff:
Ach, see you, Jimmy! And know that McDuff was from his mother's womb untimely ripped - what do ye think aboot that, lad?

MacBeth:
Ech! That's bloody disgustin'!

Tybalt Capulet:
Romeo! The love I bear thee can afford no better term than this: thou art a villain! Therefore turn and draw!

Romeo Montague:
But Tybalt, I have not harmed thee, but love thee better than thou canst devise!

Tybalt Capulet:
Oh, wretched boy, I am for you! OH, I AM SLAIN!

the Narrator:
...Moving right along...

Gertrude:
Oh no! I am poisoned!

Hamlet:
Alaspooryorktherestissilence!

Hamlet:
It is I, Omelette the Cheese Danish!

Pelonius:
My Lord, Act Two!

Claudius:
Gesundheit!

Adam Long:
Alright, we're going to go through Hamlet again very quickly. But before we do, I just want to say a quick warning. Okay, we're going to be moving very quickly this time, and there are falls that we take, there are props that we send flying back and forth across the stage, and I know we make it look easy, but it's very difficult. Remember, we are trained professionals.

Adam Long:
Yeah, go over to a friend's house. It's much safer...

Juliet:
What's in a name, anyway? That which we call a nose by any other name could still smell.

Claudius:

Claudius:
Son of Pelonius!

Hamlet:
Brother to Ophelia!

Claudius:
And a snappy dresser!

Marc Anthony:
Meanwhile, Julius Caesar was a much beloved tyrant.

Marc Anthony:
Who was warned by a sooth-sayer...

Sooth-Sayer:
Beware the Ides of March!

Marc Anthony:
...But Caesar ignored the warning.

Julius Caesar:
What the hell are the Ides of March?

Sooth Sayer:
Well, that's the fifteenth of March.

Julius Caesar:
Why, that's today!

Father Laurence:
Take of this vial and drink, and soon shalt thou feel a cold and drowsy humor running through thy veins.

Juliet:
Oh, I feel a cold and drowsy humor running through my veins, Obi-Wan.

Father Laurence:
Told you so.

Juliet:
Gak! Cough! Gasp!

Cleopatra:
Is this an asp I see before me? Oh no!

Ophelia:
Oh... Feeling a little nauseous...

Laertes:
Hamlet comes back; What shall I...

Ophelia:
Wait, Reed, before you go on, what's the next scene with Ophelia?

Laertes:
There are no more scenes with Ophelia.

Ophelia:
No, man, I'm up for it.

Laertes:
There aren't any. That's all Shakespeare wrote.

Ophelia:
Well what happens to her?

Laertes:
She drowns.

Ophelia:
...Okay, cool!

Laertes:
I'll anoint my sword with such an...

Ophelia:
Here I go!

Laertes:
No...

Ophelia:
AAAAAAAH!

Adam Long:
Oh, my brain!

Reed Martin:
Alright, very good, excellent... Hey, you, third one in... What's your deal? Everybody's doing great; "MAYBE, MAYBE NOT! MAYBE, MAYBE NOT!" Here's him.

Adam Long:
"Does not play well with other children."

Reed Martin:
You know what that means, don't you Bob? That means you have to do it...

Reed Martin:
You've got this really bizarre notion that all of Shakespeare's tragic heroines wear these really ugly wigs, and vomit on people before they die!

Adam Long:
It's an interpretation!

Reed Martin:
The play is called "The Complete Works of William Shakespeare".

Adam Long:
Then we'll change the name. We'll call it "The Complete Works of Shakespeare Except Hamlet".

Austin Tichenor:
And so much for Act I.

Austin Tichenor:
It wasn't that good.

Reed Martin:
Take the time now to locate the exit nearest your seat.

Reed Martin:
If the room should experience a sudden change in pressure, oxygen masks will drop down in front of you. Place the mask over your mouth and nose and continue to breathe normally. If you're here with a small child, please place your own mask on first, and let the little bugger fend for himself.

Austin:
Adam! Give that back!

Adam Long:
What? Is it wrong to take somebody's bag now?

Reed Martin:
YES!

Adam Long:
I can't do anything right with you two! Why don't you just take away my birthday!

Reed:

Adam Long:
I'll hit you so hard, I'll kill your whole family.

Adam Long:
I'll do it. I swear to god I'll kill the cameraman.

Austin Tichenor:
I don't care! We have five other cameramen; I don't care!

Adam Long:
I just don't think i could do justice to it...

Austin Tichenor:
What are you talking about... we don't have to do justice to it... I mean, where have you been? We just have to do it!

MacBeth:
Ach, that's de-great! And McWhat McNeed McI McFearrrrrrrr of McDuff?