Uncle Mike:
Once upon a time, there was a little girl named "Rachel." Actually, she wasn't all that little. She was a hot-looking high school senior with deep blue eyes, and fine, firm breasts and...

Little Brian:
That's not the way Mommy tells it!

Uncle Mike:
Shut up, that's the way I tell it.

Willie:
Lady, let me in!

Grandma:
You go away! I got a meat cleaver here, and I know how to use it!

Lt. Jack B. Nimble:
With all this permissive sex, and recreational violence, it's no wonder this country is in the mess it's in. I mean, it's like the old saying: when you lay down with dogs, you get up with puppies!

Goldi Lox:
Hi, my name is Goldi. Actually, it's Golda. I was born during the Six-Day War.

Judith "MaMa" Baer:
Isn't she sweet, Papa? She'll be like the daughter we never had.

Goldi Lox:
And you'll be like the parents I brutally slaughtered!