Dracula: Dead and Loving It

Lover at Picnic:
Would you care for some wine?

Dracula:
I never drink wine... oh, what the hell. Let me try it.

Jonathan Harker:
She's alive?

Van Helsing:
She's Nosferatu.

Jonathan Harker:
She's Italian?

Dracula:
Renfield, you were having a nightmare.

Renfield:
A nightmare? But it was so real, so vivid. Two voluptuous women, heaving and grinding. How to describe it.

Renfield:
Have you ever been to Paris?

Dr. Steward:
Allow me to introduce Professor Abraham Van Helsing. He's a doctor of rare diseases as well as a man of theology and philosophy.

Van Helsing:
And gynecology.

Dr. Steward:
Oh, I didn't know you have your hand in that, too.

Renfield:
Yes, I'm schh-eduled to meet Count Dracula.

Dracula:
Children of the night... What a mess they make.

Jonathan Harker:
Please, Lucy! I'm British!

Lucy Westenra:
So are these.

Dr. Steward:
Would an enema help?

Renfield:
Yes MASTER!

Lucy Westenra:
I know you've always wanted me, and I've always wanted you. Finally we can be together.

Jonathan Harker:
But Lucy, I'm engaged to Mina... and you're dead.

Lucy Westenra:
I'm not dead. I'm undead.

Jonathan Harker:
Yes, well, I'm not unengaged.

[Count Dracula meets up with Van Helsing]

Dracula:
Van Helsing... a name that is famous even in Translyvania.

Van Helsing:
Dracula... are you by any chance descended from Vlad Tepe?, the first Dracula?

Dr. Seward:
Tepe??

Van Helsing:
Yah, it means "the Impaler". He used to inflict unspeakable tortures on the peasants; cutting off their hands and feet, gouging out their eyes, and then impaling them on iron spikes.

[beat]

Dracula:
They had it coming!

[Van Helsing telling Dr. Seward and Jonathan Harker of Lucy's prognosis]

Van Helsing:
What we are dealing with here is... a VAMPIRE!

Dr. Seward:
Vampire?

Jonathan Harker:
Vampire? What are you saying?

Van Helsing:
I'm saying, vampire!

Dr. Seward:
But professor, modern sciences don't admit to such a fanciful creature!

Van Helsing:
Modern sciences pish posh! She has lost a great deal of blood, ja?

Jonathan Harker:
Ja...

Van Helsing:
Well look! [walks to Lucy's bedside] where did all the blood go? Look at the sheets, the pillowcase, her nightgown! Do you see anything? How does your modern science explain zhat? Can you explain zhat? Can you explain zhat?

Dr. Seward:
I can't explain zhat.

Jonathan Harker:
I can't explain zhat.

Van Helsing:
NO ONE CAN EXPLAIN ZHAT!

Jonathan Harker:
[Entering Lucy's crypt and seeing her body] Oh, God... she's dead now.

Van Helsing:
No, she's not!

Jonathan Harker:
She's alive?

Van Helsing:
She's Nosferatu!

Jonathan Harker:
She's Italian?

Renfield:
Yes, I'm schh-eduled to meet Count Dracula.

Villager #1:
[horrified] Dracula!

Villager #2:
[horrified] Dracula!

Villager #3:
[horrified] Dracula!

Villager #4:
...Schh-eduled?

[Renfield is having breakfast with Dr. Seward. He sees a bug on the table and eats it]

Dr. Seward:
I was just telling Ma—what was that?

Renfield:
Huh?

Dr. Seward:
You just grabbed something from the table.

Renfield:
I did not.

Dr. Seward:
Yes you did, I saw you, you put it in your mouth. I think it was an insect.

Renfield:
[thinks of an alibi] Oh, that was a raspberry.

Dr. Seward:
Raspberry? We're not serving raspberries.

Renfield:
Then it must have been a raisin. I guess it fell off the muffin. See? There's one missing.

[The two men laugh. Renfield sees a spider coming towards him, and he quickly eats it up]

Dr. Seward:
How silly of me! It must have been my imagin—there, you did it again!

Renfield:
Huh?

Dr. Seward:
You just put a bug in your mouth. I think it was a spider!

Renfield:
I did not.

Dr. Seward:
Yes, you did.

Renfield:
I did not.

Dr. Seward:
Yes, you did.

Renfield:
I did not.

Dr. Seward:
[shouts] I tell you I saw you snatch a spider right out of the air and eat it!

Renfield:
A spider?

[Swallows the spider in his mouth]

Renfield:
How absurd!

[A grasshopper jumps onto the patio. He intentionally throws his fork]

Renfield:
Oh! Dropped my fork! [gets on all fours and scrambles under the table for the insect]

Dr. Seward:
Mr. Renfield, what are you doing down there? This is most unseemly!

Renfield:
Fork found! [Comes back up] Sorry for the delay.

[The grasshopper's leg is sticking out of Renfield's mouth, and wriggling about]

Dr. Seward:
My God, man! You're eating insects right from the ground!

Renfield:
...What makes you say that?

Dr. Seward:
I can see one trying to get out of your mouth!

Renfield:
Out of my mouth?

Dr. Seward:
Yes, out of your mouth! Your very own mouth and it's wriggling about!

Renfield:
Don't be ridiculous! Wriggling!

Dr. Seward:
I'm not ridiculous at all! It's wriggling all over the place! The poor thing, it's fighting for its life!

[Renfield eyes the grasshopper's leg, which has fallen from his mouth and quickly scoops it up]

Renfield:
I don't know what you're talking about. If you insist on ranting like this, I'm going to leave!

Dr. Seward:
Me, ranting? You're the ranter!

[Renfield spots a fly]

Renfield:
[to the fly] Hello, little darling!

[Grabs the air in attempt to catch the fly]

Renfield:
Don't be afraid!

[Laughs in a strange tone]

Renfield:
I won't hurt you! All I want is your life!

[Renfield does a body slam across Dr. Seward's lap, and knocks everything off the table. Renfield is soon grabbed by two asylum attendants.]

Dr. Seward:
That's it! Put him in a straight jacket and give him an enema! Wait! Wait, wait... Give him the enema FIRST. THEN put him in a straitjacket.

Lucy Westenra:
I know you've always wanted me, and I've always wanted you. Finally we can be together.

Jonathan Harker:
But Lucy, I'm engaged to Mina... and you're dead.

Lucy Westenra:
I'm not dead. I'm undead.

Jonathan Harker:
Yes, well, I'm not unengaged.

Lucy Westenra:
Jonathan, let me kiss you...let me show you the deep, raw, passion of unbridled sexual frenzy...

Jonathan Harker:
But, Lucy! I'm British!

[Lucy opens her cleavage a little]

Lucy Westenra:
So are these!

Jonathan Harker:
Lucy!

Jonathan Harker:
[having just been told to drive a stake into Lucy] Oh, this is horrid. Is there no other way?

Van Helsing:
Well, we could cut off her head, stuff her mouth with garlic, and tear off her ears.

Jonathan Harker:
...Give me the stake. No. No, I can't... you do it.

Van Helsing:
It must be done by one who loved her in life.

Jonathan Harker:
I only liked her!

Van Helsing:
Close enough!

[Jonathan is about to stake Lucy's heart]

Van Helsing:
One, two—WAIT! [Van Helsing slinks back behind a pillar] NOW!

[Jonathan drives a stake into Lucy's heart and is subsequently hit by many gallons of blood]

Jonathan Harker:
Oh... my... GOD! There's so much blood!

Van Helsing:
She just ate!

Jonathan Harker:
Ah! She-she's still moving!

Van Helsing:
Hit her again!

Jonathan Harker:
Oh no... I can't...

Van Helsing:
How much blood can she have left?

[Jonathan hits the stake again and is hit with even more blood than last time]

Van Helsing:
She's almost dead!

Jonathan Harker:
She's dead enough. Oh! This is - this is ghastly!

Van Helsing:
Yes, you're right. We should have put newspapers down!

[after staking Lucy, Jonathan is drenched in blood, while Van Helsing is spotless]

Dr. Van Helsing:
I have been to many, many stakings. You have to know where to stand.

[Dracula is hypnotizing a valet at the theatre where Doctor Seward is enjoying an opera]

Dracula:
You will tell Doctor Seward there is a message for him in the lobby... and you will remember nothing of what I tell you.

[The valet nods her head, opens the curtain to Seward's chambers, and stands there with her mouth open for a few moments, then closes the curtain]

Valet:
[noticing Dracula standing there] Hello, can I help you sir?

Dracula:
[mimicking her] Can I help you sir? [normally] What is the matter with you, why did you not tell him?

Valet:
About what?

Dracula:
About the message!

Valet:
For whom?

Dracula:
Never mind! I will tell him myself. And for your miserable performance, you will receive no tip!

Valet:
No tip?

Dracula:
Ah! That, you remember!

[Dracula picks up Jonathan by the throat]

Dracula:
Arrogant mortal! You are in my world now, and you will never leave this attic alive! I will destroy you, and then I will possess she whom you love the most. And there is not a single thing in the world you can do to stop me!

[Dracula laughs. Jonathan pokes him in the eyes and Dracula drops Jonathan]

Dracula:
Ow!

Dr. Seward:
Give him an enema.

[Attendant looks taken aback.]

Attendant:
An enema, sir?.

Dr. Seward:
Yes, it'll give him a feeling of accomplishment.

[Dracula is outside Mina's room]

Dracula:
[to the maid] Essie... Essie... Your eyelids are growing heavy. You will sleep... sleep.

[Essie nods off to sleep]

Dracula:
Mina... Mina, open your eyes!

[She does]

Dracula:
Arise, Mina.

[She does]

Dracula:
Walk to the door.

[Mina opens a door, and goes inside]

Dracula:
Mina... you are in the closet. Open the door, and come out.

[She does]

Dracula:
Now walk to the terrace door. Watch out for the foot...

[Mina trips over the footstool]

Dracula:
...Stool. Stand up.

[Essie and Mina both rise]

Dracula:
Not you. Sit!

[Mina sits]

Dracula:
No, not you, you sit.

[Essie sits]

Dracula:
You stand.

[Both stand]

Dracula:
No! Sit!

[Both sit]

Dracula:
No, you stand!

[Both stand]

Dracula:
You walk to the terrace door, and you go back to sleep! Watch out!

[Essie and Mina bump into one another and fall to the floor. Dracula throws his arms up in frustration]

Dracula:
Wait there I am coming, Turn off the lights so no one will see me coming

[Dracula enters the house and exits the house, carrying a body]

Dracula:
[carrying Essie out instead of Mina] You will be my bride throughout eternity. We'll share the endless passion of immortal love.

Essie:
Oh I can't wait!

Dracula:
[stares at her in surprise] NOT YOU!

Dracula:
[takes her back inside and throws her on the floor, and carries Mina out, speaking and walking very fast] You will be my bride throughout eternity, we'll share the endless passion of immortal love!

Martin:
[throwing Renfield back into his cell] You'll stay here 'til you rot!

[locks door]

[Renfield starts sobbing and Martin comes in a second later]

Martin:
Well, you're free to go!

Renfield:
Free to go? Why? How?

Martin:
Good behavior.

Renfield:
But I've only been in here for a moment.

Martin:
Well, for that moment, your behavior was very good.

Renfield:
uh...

Martin:
Let's go. [hurling Renfield out of his cell]

Dr. Seward:
Why, Renfield, you're a free man! You're not under anyone's control!

Renfield:
I am...?

Dr. Seward:
You're in charge of your own life, now!

Renfield:
[straightening up, smiling] I am!

Dr. Seward:
Come now, Renfield.

Renfield:
[hunching down again, walking after Dr. Seward] Yes, master...!

Man:
[increasingly crazily] Renfield, I can't take it. Can you take it? The lights, the crazy faces staring at me. I'm telling you the walls are closing in on me! I've got to get out of here!

Martin:
Guard! Get back to work!

Count Dracula:
[waking up from a bad dream] Oh, it's night-time. I was having... a daymare.

Count Dracula:
[after rising from his coffin and hitting his head on a chandelier] I must move the coffin. [pause] Or the chandelier.

Count Dracula:
[his last line] Renfield, you a**hole!

Count Dracula:
[in a dream, at a picnic] I'm drinking wine, and I'm eating chicken!

Count Dracula:
[embarrassed after hearing Lucy and Renfield screaming from outside] Renfield, you idiot.

Thomas Renfield:
[upon seeing two voluptuous brides of Dracula - one rubbing a table seductively, the other rubbing the bedpost seductively] My God! What are you doing to the furniture?

Thomas Renfield:
[as the vampire women are seducing Renfield] No, this is wrong. This is wrong! This is wrong, you hear me? Wrong! This is ... Wrong me! Wrong me! Wrong my brains out!

Thomas Renfield:
I didn't see anything! I didn't see anything [guard locks door] I saw everything! [cackles]

Thomas Renfield:
[upon hearing Dr. Seward's instruction to the guard: "Take him back to his cell and give him a you-know-what!"] No! No! Not another enema!

Jonathan Harker:
[watching Mina's reflection in a mirror as she's dancing with Dracula, where it looks like she's dancing alone] She's doing quite well without him, isn't she?

Nurse:
[Upon seeing the unconscious medical students on the floor] Well done, doctor! Ten out of ten!

Jonathan Harker:
Oh yes, my dear. The Opera is astonishing. The music is fraught with love, hate, sensuality, and unbridled passion... all the things in my life that I've managed to suppress.