Rona:
Good luck doesn't happen to people like us. Good luck happens to Madonna.

Mona Dearly:
Don't call yourselves BJ Landscaping. You don't want people to go around calling you "Blow Job Landscaping."

Chief Wyatt Rash:
My mother always used to say, "When life hands you potatoes, make potato salad."

Mona Dearly:
Yeah? Well life handed me a pile of shit. What am I supposed to do with that?!

Phil Dearly:
Make shit salad?

Jeff Dearly:
I want half. And don't give me none of that "fifty-percent" shit.

Jeff Dearly:
Look, I heard you the first time, Bobby. I ain't mute.

Deputy Tony Carlucci:
(to Phil Dearly, after informing him of his wife's death) So, uh...you want to tell Jeff about his mom, or do you think we should do it, or...

Phil Dearly:
Yeah! Uh...

Deputy Jimmy D:
I mean, we'd be more than happy to do it, Phil, you know, it's just that, coming from you it may cushion the blow.

Deputy Tony Carlucci:
Being that, you know, he's your son and all.

Phil Dearly:
Well, in that case, it might be best if one of you did it.

Bobby Kalzone:
Dude, she's like 13.

Jeff:
Finally!

Ellen:
You're supposed to have that thing in your head that says, "BAD FUCKING IDEA, BOBBY!"

Bobby Kalzone:
I do have it! It just didn't work!

Bobby Kalzone:
It's been different since Jeff killed Peaches.

Wyatt Rash:
Jeff killed Peaches? I thought it was the other way around.

Bobby Kalzone:
Peaches killed Jeff?

Chief Wyatt Rash:
Tell me something Cubby, you notice anything odd lately?

Cubby:
You mean other than the fact that no one seems to care about this woman's death?

Chief Wyatt Rash:
Along those lines.

Cubby:
Hell Wyatt, I've seen people more upset over losing change in a candy machine.

Mona:
Why'de you pull us over Feege?

Feege:
Oh let me think about that Mona, you're riding on rims and you pulled an 1107 on an officer of the law. What the hell is the matter with you son? (to Jeph)

Mona:
What did you hurt him for?

Feege:
He's drunk!

Mona:
No he aint! Its OK baby. (to Jeph.) You're gonna pay for this Feege! You just lost your lawn service pal!

Bobby Kalzone:
Mona Dearly's dead.

Ellie:
What?

Bobby Kalzone:
She's dead- It was just a- car accident.

Ellie:
You gotta be kiddin' me. Well- We gotta celebrate!

Bobby Kalzone:
Jesus, God, Ellie she's a human being. Have a little respect.

Ellie:
I don't gotta have respect for no one in that family. Think how they treated you.

Bobby Kalzone:
How did they treat me?

Ellie:
Badly, they're a houseful of freaks.

Rona:
Some shame bout that Mona Dearly. I mean, so young.

Jeff Dearly:
Where's my car?

Deputy Jimmy D.:
Well Jeff, it's a little bit more serious than you're car.

Jeff Dearly:
Would someone mind tellin me what the hell's goin on?

Deputy Tony Carlucci:
Your mother drove her car into the lake Jeff, I'm afraid she's dead.

Jeff Dearly:
What was she doing in my car?