Duck, Duck, Goose! 
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Jacob: Martini. Dry and dirty, like my mother.
La Penis Woman: How come I never get to talk to the camera?
Jacob: Because you scare people.
Jacob: Did you know that Jesus was a black man?
La Religious Girl: Excuse me?
Jacob: Oh, yeah. Hair like wool, skin like bronze. It's in your Bible. Jesus probably looked more like Ike Turner, but without that "I'm gonna beat ya, woman" look in his eyes.
Lizzie: I fantasize about finding a man who doesn't blame my moods on my cycle!
Le Creepy Guy: I fantasize about the Olsen Twins goin' down on me.
Jacob: So you're charming and kind?
C.B.: And you're startling and male.
Jacob: There it is.