Eddie Izzard: Dress to Kill

Eddie:
San Francisco! City of dreaming spires, people live here... Golden Gate Bridge, ahh the Romans came here.

Eddie:
I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.

Eddie:
If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, "Heimlich maneuver," and all will be well. Trouble is, it's difficult to say "Heimlich maneuver" when you're choking to death.

Eddie:
I am a professional transvestite, so I can run about in heels and not fall over.

Eddie:
You say, "Do you want a cup of coffee?" and she says, "Yeah, okay." Then sex is on, yes? Doesn't always work, though. If the President of Burundi says do you want a cup of coffee...

Eddie:
Most transvestites fancy girls.

Eddie:
When you're a transvestite, you're actually a male tomboy.

Eddie:
What shall we call our son so he does not get the sh*t kicked out of him at school? We shall call him Englebert Humperdink! Yes, that'll work.

Eddie:
Hitler ended up in a ditch covered in petrol on fire... so, that's fun. And that's funny. Because he was a mass-murdering f***-head!

Eddie:
Pol Pot killed one point seven million Cambodians, died under house arrest, well done there. Stalin killed many millions, died in his bed, aged seventy-two, well done indeed. And the reason we let them get away with it is they killed their own people. And we're sort of fine with that.

Eddie:
We have two hundred languages in Europe. Two hundred languages! Count them! I know you won't!

Eddie:
Britain should be in the driving seat of Europe. In the driver's seat, or in the passenger seat. That's good, cuz then you can take a sleep.

Eddie:
And Henry VIII, a big hairy king, went up to the Pope and said, "Mr. Pope! I'm gonna marry my first wife, then I'm gonna divorce her. Now, I know what you're gonna say, but stick with me. My story gets better. Second wife, I'm gonna kill her! Cut her head off. Ah, not expecting that, are we? Third wife gonna shoot her. Fourth wife, put her in a bag. Fifth wife, into outer space. Sixth wife, on a Rotiss-o-Mat. Seventh wife, made out of jam..." and the Pope is saying, "You crazy bugger! You can't do all this, what are you a Mormon? It's illegal. What have you been reading? The gospel according to St. Bastard?"

Eddie:
There's not much makeup in the army, is there? They only have that nighttime look, and that's a bit slapdash, isn't it?

Eddie:
You have the American dream! The American dream is to be born in the gutter and have nothing. Then to raise up and have all the money in the world, and stick it in your ears and go PLBTLBTLBLTLBTLBLT! That's a pretty good dream.

Eddie:
We stole countries! That's how you build an empire. We stole countries with the cunning use of flags! Just sail halfway around the world, stick a flag in. "I claim India for Britain." And they're going, "You can't claim us. We live here! There's five hundred million of us." "Do you have a flag?" "We don't need a bloody flag, this is our country you bastard!" "No flag, no country! You can't have one. That's the rules... that... I've just made up! And I'm backing it up with this gun... that was lent from the National Rifle Association."

Eddie:
You can't land on the moon and say, "Ooh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam!"

Eddie:
Martin Luther was a German fellow who pinned a note on a church door that said, "Hang on a minute!" Actually, he was German so, "Ein minuten bitte!"

Eddie:
It's the cutting edge of politics in a very extraordinarily boring way!

Eddie:
Squirrels always eat nuts with two hands, always two hands, "arararar", and occasionally, they stop and go, oh, uh, ah, as if they're going, "Did I leave the gas on? No! I'm, no I'm a f***ing squirrel!" And occasionally they go, "F***ing nuts! Fed up with them always. I long for a grapefruit." Yeah. So, that's very much like the army.

Eddie:
Shooting clay pigeons, I think, yeah, go for that. Shooting clay, clay pigeons are f***ers! Come round your house, whiz through, "fwhooo, fwhooo, fwhooo!" They do nothing... they don't even eat... flies!

Eddie:
The National Rifle Association says that, "Guns don't kill people, uh, people do." But I think, I think the gun helps. You know? I think it helps. I just think just standing there going, "Bang!" That's not going to kill too many people, is it? You'd have to be really dodgy on the heart to have that.

Eddie:
You say 'erbs', and we say 'herbs', because there's a f***ing 'H' in it!

Eddie:
Thank you for flying Church of England, cake or death?

Eddie:
Vicar, I have done many bad things." "Well, so have I." "Well, what should I do?" "Well, drink 5 Bloody Mary's... and you won't remember.

Eddie:
Catholicism still has the fire and brimstone "boom boom boom boom 'Row you bastards!'"

Eddie:
We love Shaggy and Scooby because they were cowards! Because we can identify with them. We love them! The other guys driving the van? F*** off!

Eddie:
You know, if a woman falls over wearing heels, that's embarrassing, but if a bloke falls over wearing heels, then you have to kill yourself. It's the end of your life. Its quite difficult.

Eddie:
(to the tune of "The 12 Days of Christmas") 12 monkeys mating, 11 donkeys dancing, 10 pygmies farming, 9 socks a-swimming, 5 gold rings...

Eddie:
The American national anthem I've noticed is a bit hazy in the middle. Cause you start strong and you finish strong, but the middle bit's a bit: (to the tune of the national anthem, where the words are "and the rockets red glare, the bombs bursting in air") And fish in the sky, and a big monkey pie.

Eddie:
In the '30s, Hitler: Czechoslovakia, Poland, France, Second World War... Russian front not a good idea... Hitler never played Risk when he was a kid. Cause, you know, playing Risk, you could never hold on to Asia. That Asian-Eastern European area, you could never hold it, could you? Seven extra men at the beginning of every go, but you couldn't f***ing hold it. Australasia, that was the one. Australasia. All the purples. Get everyone on Papua New Guinea and just build up and build up...

Eddie:
You are the new Roman Empire, you realize that? There's no one else going... So you've got vomitariums and orgies to look forward to. Let the President lead the way!

Eddie:
I like my coffee hot and strong, like I like my women, hot and strong... with a spoon in them.

Eddie:
I didn't tell anyone at school that I was a transvestite, because I was afraid they'd kill me with sticks.

Eddie:
Of course, I couldn't tell the kids at school I was a transvestite. They's kill me with sticks. "Why are we killing him with sticks?" "I don't know... he said a word we didn't understand... and he won at Scrabble with it..."

Eddie:
If the movie made any kind of business in America, Hollywood would remake it and it wouldn't be anything like the original. It would be a Room with a View of HELL! Staircase of SATAN! Pond of DEATH! "What are ya doin' with the f***in' matches! Always in here with the f***in' matches!" "Hey, shut up! Hey, you f*** my wife? You f*** my wife? You f*** my wife?" "I *am* your wife." "Don't matter! Don't matter! You f*** my wife?" "Yes, I f***ed your wife. I am your wife and I f***ed her" "Ahhhh... Oh no! Space Monkeys are attacking!" That's a part that wasn't in the original.

Eddie:
"Jeanne, I love you, even though you f***ed my wife." BWOOOOSH!

Eddie:
For those of you who don't speak French, by the way, all of that was f***ing funny.

Eddie:
My God... We've pushed these stones for almost 2,000... 2,000 miles in this day and age... I don't even know where I live anymore.

Eddie:
The Heimlich maneuver, developed by doctor Heimlich, who woke up one night obviously - a fist, a hand, hoocha, hoocha, hoocha... lobster. Yes,

Eddie:
Hilda, Hilda, wake up!

Eddie:
Ah, what is it doctor Heimlich?

Eddie:
Why are you calling me doctor Heimlich, I am your husband for f***I~s sake. Loosen up, don't be so f***ing Prussian.

Eddie:
Well, what is it Gunther?

Eddie:
I have invented a maneuver...

Eddie:
What are you, a bloody tank commander now?

Eddie:
And the druids, they were into sex and death in an interesting night-time telly sort of way.

Eddie:
Cable cars are fun - everyone gets on board and becomes a rhesus monkey.

Eddie:
We play bad guys in Hollywood movies. Take, for example, "The Empire Strikes Back" from the Star Wars trilogy. The Death Star is just full of British actors opening doors and going, "Oh... I... oh..." "What is it lieutenant Sebastian?" "It's just the Rebels, sir... they're here." "My God, man! Do they want tea?" "No, I think they're after something a bit more than that, sir. I don't know what it is, but they've brought a flag." "Damn, that's dash cunning of them."