Cooper:
All right. Stay black, Bert.

Cooper:
This isn't where I parked my car.

Jenny:
Sorry to hear about Fiona. She's a whore.

Scott:
Well, that's very sweet of you. Thanks.

Scott:
So, have you guys decided where you wanna go first?

Jenny:
Paris! I heard two years ago, Nicky Jager's sister, Debbie, met this wealthy French guy, and spent a mont sailing the Mediterranean on his yacht. Isn't that just the most romantic thing you've ever heard?

Cooper:
Stuck on a boat with a wierd French guy? That sounds a little gay.

Jenny:
It's not gay. I'm a girl.

Scott:
Kinda gay.

Cooper:
A little gay.

Scott:
Excuse me.

Mad Maynard:
Hello boyo!

Scott:
So what the hell happened last night?

Mad Maynard:
You got steamed up, pissed as a fart. Too much sauce son.

Hooligan:
So I tell the swamp donkey to sock it before I give her a trunky in the tradesman's entrance and have her lick me yardballs!

Cooper:
Wow. You guys are on a completely different level of swearing here.

Fiona:
Scott, I just can't take all the lying and cheating on each other any more.

Scott:
What are you talking about? Sweetie, I never cheated on you!

Fiona:
I know. That's what makes this so hard.

Hostel Clerk:
Hello, and welcome to Amsterdam's finest and most luxurious youth hostel. We feature one medium sized room containing 70 beds which can sleep up to 375 bodies a night. There is no bathroom. Nor is there one nearby. If you do not wish to have your valuables stolen I suggest destroying them or discarding them right now. You can also try hiding your valuables. In your anus. This will deter some but of course not all thieves. Once you are inside, the doors are chained and locked from the outside. They will not be opened again until morning, no matter what. Should a fire occur due to our faulty wiring or, uh, the fireworks factory upstairs you will be incinerated along with the valuables that you have hidden in your anus. Tips are greatly appreciated.

Cooper:
Oh, here it is. Bratislava. Hmm. Capital of Slovakia. Oh, here's a fun fact: You made out with your sister, man!

Cooper:
So, what's the etiquette on boners here? Do I role over and dig a hole out or just let my flag fly?

Cooper:
You should see that picture, it makes all the girls in our high school look like walruses.

Jenny:
I'm a girl from our high school.

Cooper:
What the hell is that?

Jamie:
It's a traveler's money belt. Frommer's says if you have one of these, no-one can rob you of anything.

Scott:
Except your dignity.

Jamie:
No, you just put that in your... wait, what?

Scott:
What happened to you last night?

Jamie:
I got robbed! It was awesome.

Cooper:
This sucks, I didn't hook up with one European chick while I was here, Europe is officially the worst country in the world.

Italian Guy at Vatican:
This is one crazy Pope!

Robot Man:
Ow! My robot balls!

Robot Man:
Ow! My balls! Error! Error! Error!

Jamie:
What-what the hell are you doing?

Creepy Italian Guy:
Oh, scuzi, mi scuzi.

Scott:
Cooper the hat, the hat! The hat is on fire!

Cooper:
Oh we don't need no water, let the mother...

Jamie:
I gotta say, I'm not feeling anything.

Cooper:
Me neither.

Scott:
Sober as a judge.

Scott:
How about you?

Green Fairy:
I'm not feelin' a goddamn thing. This Absinthe is BULLSHIT!

Scott:
A dollar and 83 cents American. What can we get for that?

Scott:
Gotta love that exchange rate!

Scott:
They really are the worst twins ever.

Anna, The Camera Store Girl:
I'm going on break. I was going to step out back and have a cigarette. Would you like to join me?

Jamie:
I don't smoke.

Anna, The Camera Store Girl:
Neither do I.

Scott:
I'm in love with Mieke.

Cooper:
Okay, okay, you know what? I was actually expecting this, and frankly, no, listen, I'm flattered that you picked me to come out to first. And don't worry about telling your folks, 'cause I think they already know.

Scott:
No, you idiot. Mieke's a girl.

Cooper:
No, no, no, I get it, yeah. He's the girl, then you're the girl. Sometimes you're both the girl.

Cooper:
Right? Right? That's hot.

Jamie:
Do you guys wanna see my itinerary?

Cooper:
Do you wanna see my balls?

Cooper:
There have to be at least a hundred drunk girls here, and we should be trying to have sex with each and every one of them!

Jenny:
Hello. Mixed company?

Cooper:
What?

Jenny:
I'm a girl.

Scott:
No, you're not.

Cooper:
Yeah, you're just a cool guy with long hair.

Cooper:
Show them the photo, Scotty. She makes every girl at our school look like a dog.

Jenny:
Hello? I'm a girl from you're school.

Cooper:
No, I mean ?girl? girl.

Jamie:
I had to tooter lacrosse players to save up money to buy this. So nobody touches my camera, except me.

Cooper:
Oh, so it's like your weiner.

Jamie:
No, it's not like my- Jenny!

Jenny:
Cooper, stop.

Cooper:
You still writing that guy? I thought that was for German class.

Scott:
At first it was, but we've become pretty good friends. He's actually a cool guy.

Cooper:
Scott, would ya listen to yourself? You met a ?cool guy" on the *Internet*. This is how these sexual predators work. First he's gonna want to arrange a meeting, then he's gonna kidnap you in the back of his van, then he's gonna make a wind chime out of your genitals.

Scott:
Hey, thanks for coming with me. I know you had that internship at the law firm this summer.

Cooper:
Oh, forget about the law firm. And don't thank me, I should be thanking you. This trip is a once in a life-time opportunity for me to broaden my sexual horizons.

Scott:
What are you talking about?

Cooper:
I'm talking about crazy European sex.

Scott:
Ah.

Jamie:
I spent the last four years tutoring a lacrosse player just to pay for it. So nobody touches my camera, but me!

Cooper:
So it's like your weiner.

Jamie:
No it's not like my...

Scott:
There are so many... penises.

Jamie:
Frommer's tried to tell you. But you just didn't listen.

Cooper:
This is the biggest sausage fest on earth!

Scott:
It's the International House of Sausage!

Naked Spanish Guy:
Muchachas?

Naked African Guy:
Ladies?

Naked Tiny Asian Guy:
Bitches?

Naked Spanish Guy:
CHICA! CHICA! CHICA!

Scott:
I saw a gay porno once. I didn't know until halfway in. The girls never came. The girls never came!

Scott:
Dear sweet mother of God... we're in Eastern Europe!

Madame Vandersexxx:
Administer the Testicle Clamps!

Cooper:
There's your R rating right there.