Margaret:
You got fucked by an oven full of witches?

Ted the Bellhop:
Problem? I haven't got a problem. I've got fucking problems. Plural.

Ted the Bellhop:
Well, most recently, there's room 309, there's this scary Mexican gangster dude poking his finger in my chest. There's his hooligan kids snapping their fingers at me. There's a putrid, rotting corpse of a dead whore stuck in the springs of the bed. There's rooms blazing afire. There's a big fat needle from God knows where, stuck in my leg, infecting me with God knows what. And finally there's me, walking out the door, right fucking now. Buenas noches.

Ted the Bellhop:
I'm in a situation I can't begin to explain

Angela:
Unfortunately, you don't have the balls to back up the actions of your huge cock.

Eva:
Goddess Diana, fail you I will. / I was to bring you fresh sperm from my Bill. / I had him erect and his semen would follow. / Alas, I was hot. So hot that I swallowed.

Angela:
How can I stop talking about something that's so HUGE?

Angela:
I could go on and on about his cock, his bone, his knob, his bishop, wang, thang, rod, hot rod, hump mobile, oscar, dong, dagger, banana, cucumber, salami, sausage, kielbassa, schlong, dink, tool, big ben, Mr. Happy, Peter Pecker, pee-pee, wee-wee, wiener, pisser, pistol, piston joint, hose, horn, middle leg, third leg, meat, stick, joystick, dipstick, one-eyed wonder, junior, little head, little guy, rumple foreskin, tootsie roll, love muscle, skin flute, roto-rooter, snake, hammer, rammer, spammer, bazooka, rubber, chubby, sticky, stubby, schmeck, schmuck, schvantze, ying-yang, yang...

Norman:
I'm gonna tell ya what the fuck I'm talking about! I drive a motherfucking Honda that my sister sold me, ya hear what I'm saying? A little white motherfucking Honda Civic!

Sarah:
There's a dead body in my bed and it smells like shit and it looks even worse. And if you don't get your ass up here now, my Daddy's gonna lay you down next to her. I swear to fucking God!

Angela:
Everybody starts out as strangers, Ted. It's where we end up that counts.

Chester:
Like my old grand daddy used to say, "The less a man makes declarative statements, the less apt he is to look foolish in retrospect."

Ted the Bellhop:
Police! It's an emergency! Police get someone over here right fucking now. There is a dead fuckin' whore!

Chester:
This is Cristal! Everything else is just piss!

Chester:
Ted, what do you think of that tasty beverage?

Ted the Bellhop:
It's quite good sir.

Chester:
No, no, no! It's *Fucking* good. Now let's do that again. Ted, what do you think of that tasty beverage?

Ted the Bellhop:
It's *Fucking* good sir!

Chester:
Let me explain what we're talking about here.

Ted the Bellhop:
No, sir, you don't have to explain anything to me. Whatever constitutes a good time as far as you guys are concerned, well, that's your business.

Chester:
Well, no, it's your business, too, Ted, because we want you to take part.

Ted the Bellhop:
Take part in what, sir?

Leo:
Chester, your way of breaking the news to him gently is scaring the fuck outta him.

Chester:
You think so?

Angela:
Just spit it out.

Chester:
Okay, you might be right. Okay, here we go, here we go, okay. Thing is, Ted, first off, there's nothing homosexual about what we want you to do. I mean, I was thinking you might be thinking we want you to do some like, weird sex thing, like suck us off, pee on us, shit like that, you know. Nothing! Nothing could be further from the truth!

Ted the Bellhop:
Later, in another room, some crazy fucking maniac sticks a gun in my face and forces me to play out some psychosexual drama with his wife.

Margaret:
He made you have psycho sex with his wife?

Ted the Bellhop:
No, he didn't make me fuck his wife, he thought I'd fucked his wife! He held me at gunpoint with a loaded gun!

Margaret:
What kinda gun was it?

Ted the Bellhop:
I don't know, I'm not a gun guy. It was big.

Margaret:
Was it like Dirty Harry's gun?

Ted the Bellhop:
Yeah, sorta like that. Yeah.

Margaret:
Did it have a real long barrel or a short barrel?

Ted the Bellhop:
What difference does it make?

Margaret:
Well, for one thing it's the difference between a .44 Magnum and a Magnum .357.

Ted the Bellhop:
Who the fuck cares whether it was a .44 or a .392? It was a big fucking gun, it was loaded, and it was pointed right at my fucking head.

Man:
Did they misbehave?

Ted the Bellhop:
I'm coming up and if there isn't a dead body by the time I get there, I'll make one myself. You!

Kiva:
You're not my mother.

Elspeth:
Yes I am.

Kiva:
Then why are we sleeping together?