Capt. Spaulding:
How much would you charge to run into an open manhole?

Ravelli:
Just the cover charge.

Capt. Spaulding:
Well, drop in sometime.

Ravelli:
Sewer.

Capt. Spaulding:
Well, we cleaned that up pretty well.

Capt. Spaulding:
You left out a Hoongadoonga. The most important one, too.

Mrs. Rittenhouse:
Captain, this leaves me speechless.

Capt. Spaulding:
Well, see that you remain that way.

Capt. Spaulding:
Africa is God's country, and he can have it.

Capt. Spaulding:
Take the marriage problem. Take the foreign problem. Take Abyssinia. Say, you take Abyssinia and I'll take a hot fudge sundae on rye bread.

Capt. Spaulding:
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know.

Capt. Spaulding:
You are going Uruguay, and I'm going my way.

Capt. Spaulding:
Signor Ravelli's first selection will be "Somewhere My Love Lies Sleeping" with a male chorus.

Capt. Spaulding:
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west, and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce, they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.

Capt. Spaulding:
Gentlemen... question mark.

Capt. Spaulding:
You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, which doesn't say much for you.

Capt. Spaulding:
Have you met Conductor Hennessey?

Inspector Hennessey:
Inspector.

Capt. Spaulding:
*You* inspect her.

Capt. Spaulding:
When you come near a song, let me know.

Capt. Spaulding:
Living with your folks... living with your folks... the beginning of the end... drab, dead yesterdays shutting out beautiful tomorrows... hideous, stumbling footsteps creaking along the misty corridors of time... and in those corridors I see figures... straaange figures... weeeird figures: Steel 186, Anaconda 74, American Can 138.

Capt. Spaulding:
Pardon me while I have a strange interlude.

Capt. Spaulding:
Tell me, what do you think of the traffic problem? What do you think of the marriage problem? What do you think of at night when you go to bed, you beast?

Capt. Spaulding:
Play that song about the Irish chiropodist.

Ravelli:
Irish chiropodist?

Capt. Spaulding:
"My Fate Is In Your Hands".

Capt. Spaulding:
Did someone call me schnorrer?

Horatio Jamison:
He went into the jungle where all the monkeys throw nuts.

Capt. Spaulding:
If I stay here, I'll go nuts.

Capt. Spaulding:
Hey, hey!

Mrs. Rittenhouse:
He is the only white man who covered every acre...

Capt. Spaulding:
I think I'll try and make her...

Capt. Spaulding:
I'm sick of these conventional marriages. One woman and one man was good enough for your grandmother, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Nobody, not even your grandfather.

Capt. Spaulding:
A party. I came here for a party. And what happened? Nothing. Not even ice cream.