George of the Jungle

Lyle:
Pardon me, girls. I know you're feeling pretty hey sailor up here about now. But if you would just let me order a bowl of fried clams we can all have smallpox tomorrow morning.

Lyle:
Sorry, Stonebelly. The better man won, that's all. Or, I should say, the one who brought mercenaries won; *that's* all.

Ape:
"All of George's secrets". There's the shortest book ever written.

Max:
Let's take care of him.

George:
Huh?

Ape:
Why didn't you come sooner?

George:
Why Ape have little stars around head?

Ape:
George, remember everything I told you about Queensbury rules and fighting fair?

George:
Uh-huh.

Ape:
Well, now's a good time to forget it.

George:
To swing or not to swing? Swing.

Narrator:
And so, onward and upward the tired trekkers trudged on feverished footsies on the perilous paths. When they beheld the mighty Ape Mountain, the reacted with awe.

Narrator:
I said, "Awe." A-W-E.

Narrator:
That's better.

Narrator:
Later, in the Men's Department, the jungle king was pleased to find he looked pretty good in Armani.

George:
Pretty darn good.

Narrator:
Meanwhile, at a very expensive waterfall set...

Ursula's mother:
Arthur, I wish you would do something about all these monkeys. I feel like Jane Goodall.

Ape:
Madam, I knew Jane Goodall and you are no Jane Goodall.

Narrator:
Don't worry. Nobody dies in this story. They just get really big boo-boos.

Narrator:
Whew! Okay, kids, let's stop and review the important information - Lyle is a big doofus. Poor George was really shot, but can't die because, hey, let's face it, he's the hero.

George:
Dog eat dog? Dog eat dog here? George never bringing Shep here. Uh uh. Never.

Narrator:
OK, every story's gotta have a really big coincidence and here's ours:

George:
George not even trying hard.

N'Dugo:
Bad guy falls in poop: Classic element of physical comedy. Now comes the part where we throw our heads back and laugh. Ready?

Lyle:
Ursula, I found your scrunchy.

Max:
Thor, were you fighting with the Narrator?

Thor:
He started it.

Narrator:
Did not.

Thor:
You did too.

Narrator:
Did not

Thor:
You did too.

Max:
Thor, stop it.

Ursula Stanhope:
So I'll tell my dad first thing in the morning.

Betsy:
Make that second thing. First thing, I suggest you buy jungle man some clothes.

George:
Nice butt flap.

George:
So you no want George to be Ursula's mate?

Ursula's mother:
I'd rather have my mouth nailed to this table every morning at breakfast.

George:
That hurt.

Ursula's mother:
Not as much as you will if you do anything to screw up my daughter's marriage to Lyle van de Groot.

George:
Sometime George smash into tree. And sometime...

George:
Sometime George fall out of treehouse. But not feel stupid.

George:
No one here to feel stupid for. Just George

George:
Something funny about this fella.

Ape:
George, what on earth are you doing?

George:
George just feel like looking a little special today. That all

Ursula Stanhope:
And you can watch TV, and eat, and relax, and I'll be back as soon as I can. Just stay here.

Narrator:
Stay here? George is king of the jungle. No four walls built by modern man can contain him

George:
Not true. George have every intention of doing exactly what Ursula say.

Narrator:
Really? Is that so?

George:
For a while.

Narrator:
Well, Ursula's fiancé is in prison, and there's a jungle man sleeping on her balcony. She could use a best friend right now.

Betsy:
Hi.

Ursula Stanhope:
Hi.

Betsy:
I got here as fast as I could. Where is he?

Ursula Stanhope:
Oh, he's in the waterf... he's in the shower.

Betsy:
Not anymore.

Ursula Stanhope:
Oh! George.

George:
Bad waterfall. First water get hot, then George slip on strange yellow rock.

George:
Oh. Hi, George of Jungle.

Betsy:
Charmed, I'm sure.

Ursula Stanhope:
George, take this big book.

Ursula Stanhope:
Cover the booty.

Ursula Stanhope:
Let's get you some clothes. Sorry, Betsy.

George:
Bye.

Betsy:
No problem.

Betsy:
Now I can see why they made him king of the jungle.

Ursula Stanhope:
And this is Neiman Marcus

George:
Ooh! They have big shiny cave.

George:
Ooh ooh eee eee aah aah!

Mercenary:
Oh, see the monkey.

Narrator:
25 years later, the bouncing baby boy has become a swinging jungle king. He is swift, he is strong, he is sure, he is smart...

Narrator:
...he is unconscious.

George:
That close one, huh?

Ursula Stanhope:
Watch out for that tree!

George:
Oops.

Narrator:
The ape named ape was caged in a cage, hoping to hear the jungle king's awesome...

Narrator:
Hey, I'm pretty good at that. And wondering if he would ever come. But the motion-sick mammal needn't have moaned, for that defender of the innocent, protector of the weak, and all around good guy George of the Jungle was closer than he knew.

George:
Next time George find bigger box.

Max:
50 zamoles a man, what do you say?

Kwame:
They only speak Swahili.

Lyle:
Wait a second...

Max:
Done.

Thor:
George of the Jungle must be halfway to 'Frisco by now.

Narrator:
But our plotting poachers were only half correct because George was all the way to San Francisco.

Thor:
I'm chafing, Max. I'm chafing big-time.

Max:
Didn't I tell you now to wear twenty pounds of black leather in the jungle? Didn't I tell you? Cotton, I said. Cotton breathes.

Ursula's mother:
When Lyle comes back from that jail, this wedding will proceed as planned. If you do ANYTHING to upset that, I'll remove your reason for wearing a loincloth.

Thor:
There's five stinking apes out there. Which one are we taking to Vegas?

Max:
The one who's playing chess!

Narrator:
Meanwhile, the Jungle King would have been upset to know that at that moment, Kwame and his men were drawing dangerously close! That is, dangerously close to shoving a coconut up Lyle's... sleeping bag.

Ursula:
I mean, why wouldn't an ape read textbooks and why wouldn't I find myself in a treehouse with room service and a Tarzan wannabe wearing a, um, what do you call that thing?

George:
Butt flap.

Ursula:
Right.

Ursula:
George, I came all this way to tell you...

George:
Ursula talk later, George busy now.

[Lyle, Max, Thor, Kwame and his men are searching for Ursula. N'Dugo is holding Lyle on his back]

Lyle:
Ursula! God, this trail's really rough.

N'Dugo:
[Swahili] Drop him! You're not his donkey. [Mimics Lyle] "Ursula! Ursula!" [Swahili] Next cliff we pass, he's history.

[He and his men start going in another direction]

Lyle:
Hey, come back here.

Max:
They're not abandoning us, are they?

Kwame:
They are threatening.

Lyle:
If you don't mind, Kwame, I have a knack for getting the most out of my employees. Do you mind if I address the porters?

Kwame:
They only speak Swahili.

Lyle:
Well, I just happen to have a Swahili phrase book.

Kwame:
Be my guest.

[Lyle reads the book and says random Swahili phrases. The subtitles reveal what he's saying]

Lyle:
[Swahili] Pardon me, girls. I know you're feeling pretty hey sailor up here about now. But, if you would just let me order a bowl of fried clams, we can all have smallpox tomorrow morning. [The porters laugh. Lyle speaks English] I think our troubles are over.

Max:
Tell them I'll pay 50 zamoles a man if they'll help me capture the White Ape and bring him back alive.

Lyle:
Alive? After he...uh...well, he pulled Ursula's scrunchy off. We know that much.

Max:
50 zamoles a man. What do you say?

Kwame:
They only speak Swahili.

N'Dugo:
[English] 100 zamoles a man and you got a deal.

Lyle:
[Shocked] Hey, wait a second...

Max:
Done.

[The porters laugh again]

[Lyle, Max, Thor, Kwame and his men are searching for Ursula]

Narrator:
The very next morning, Kwame and his men were drawing dangerously close... [Lyle gets hit by random tree branches] ...that is, dangerously close to shoving a coconut up Lyle's... [wryly] sleeping bag.

Lyle:
That's it! I've had it! I am the richest, smartest, handsomest guy here, so I get to go first! [suddenly trips and falls face first into elephant feces] There's an elephant around here.

N'Dugo:
Bad guy falls in poop: Classic element of physical comedy. Now comes the part where we throw our heads back and laugh. Ready?

Guides:
Ready!

[they all throw their heads back and laugh at Lyle; a monkey, watching nearby, laughs with them; Lyle gets up, spitting out the feces]

Lyle:
Those were nowhere near properly digested! In case anybody's wondering, I'm okay. [Max and Thor laugh along with the porters] Have you cleaned my lighter yet?

N'Dugo:
[in Swahili] One moment, you blonde-haired baboon.

[the porters laugh again]

[After Lyle shot George, he is put into a prison line-up of random African people. Kwame, N'Dugo, and the other two men are looking at them]

Narrator:
Meanwhile, Kwame and his men faced the next-to-impossible task of picking out George's assailant from a line-up of the usual suspects.

N'Dugo:
No. No. Too short. Too sweaty. [Sees Lyle, but doesn't recognize him at first] Wait a second. That's the guy. That's the guy who shot him. I never forget a face.

Lyle:
Me?

[N'Dugo and the two men, recognizing Lyle, laugh loudly]

Thor:
No, Max. Forget about it. I do not want to listen to anymore of your ideas.

Max:
You'll like this one. We're gonna steal Georgie-Boy's talking ape.

Thor:
You mean, back up the mountain?

Max:
Thor, that ape is our ticket out of poaching and into show business. Think about it. We got a talking ape. What do Sigfried and Roy have?

Thor:
Sequins?

Max:
Exactly. Get ready for room service, mate, and girls. We're getting our ape and going to Vegas. By next weekend, we'll be headlining at the Tropicana. Nobody is gonna stop us.

Thor:
Right. George of the Jungle must be halfway to Frisco by now.

[Cut to George in San Francisco]

Narrator:
Ah, but the plotting poachers were only half-correct, for at that very moment, our handsome hero was all the way to San Francisco.

[George is at Ursula's apartment, juggling three apples while listening to Mrs. Stanhope on the phone]

Mrs. Stanhope:
Ursula, it's Mother. Pick up the phone and tell me who that man was I saw you strolling with today. And where is Lyle? We must discuss the engagement party. I know you're there, Ursula. Pick up the phone and tell me why you have been avoiding me. PICK UP THE PHONE! [George picks up the phone and yells into it, scaring Mrs. Stanhope, who then hangs up] Well, I think that was an overreaction.

Narrator:
Emboldened with jungle juju, Ursula Stanhope went inside to break the news to her parents, who took it extremely well.

Ursula:
Mother, Daddy, I love you both very much. I have something very important to tell you, and I hope you'll understand. I don't wanna marry Lyle anymore.

Arthur and Beatrice:
[kindly] We understand, dear.

[Ursula sighs happily; after a pause...]

Narrator:
Just kidding.

Beatrice:
[screams]

Narrator:
The young Miss Stanhope proceeded to spill the beans... [Ursula's conversation is sped up] ...very quickly, until she got to the important part at the end. [scene replays normally]

Ursula:
And then, Lyle shot him. So Lyle is in jail, and George is with me, and I don't wanna marry Lyle anymore.

Beatrice:
I knew it! It's that swinging man from the bridge. I saw you smooching on TV.

Ursula:
Mother, we weren't smooching...

Beatrice:
How could you do this to me? Don't you realize the cailbre of people who are going to be here?

Arthur:
Calm down, Beatrice, and let her say...

Beatrice:
I thought we would be introducing them to Lyle Van de Groot, not some wild man you found in the jungle!

Arthur:
Beatrice, this is supposed to be her wedding, not yours.

Beatrice:
So?

Arthur:
Beatrice, I know you're upset, and so am I, but we can't force her to marry someone against her will.

Beatrice:
Why not?

Ursula:
Mom, Dad, I'm ready to go out there and apologize to everybody and tell them what really happened.

Beatrice:
Absolutely not! As far as I'm concerned, you, you caught one of those viruses. Yes, one of those dreadful jungle viruses that get nice girls all confused. And if Lyle survives that awful jail, you will simply have to kiss and make up. As for this evening, we will hold our heads high and we will carry on. [Sweetly] Now, darling, where is that charming young friend of yours?

Mrs. Stanhope:
Well, we haven't been friends for very long, George, but I already think I know something about you.

George:
Oh?

Mrs. Stanhope:
You are in love with my daughter.

George:
Oh, Mrs. Ursula not so dumb.

Mrs. Stanhope:
[Chuckles] Charming. My concern, however, is that Ursula seems to reciprocate your feelings, and that does present a problem to me. You see, you and Ursula together would be unbefitting her social stature. You see? Let me put it in a way you might understand. Where you come from, zebras marry zebras and leopards marry leopards. Stripes with stripes, spots with spots. Well, Ursula is a stripe, and you are a spot, one which I intend to have removed as soon as possible.

George:
So you no want Ursula to love George?

Mrs. Stanhope:
I would rather have my tongue nailed to this table every morning at breakfast.

George:
That hurt.

Mrs. Stanhope:
Not as much as you will if you do anything to screw up my daughter's marriage to Lyle Van de Groot. When Lyle returns, this wedding will proceed as planned. If you do anything to upset that, I will remove your reason for wearing a loin cloth.

Waiter:
Steak tartare, Mrs. Stanhope?

Mrs. Stanhope:
No, thank you. I've had quite enough protein for today. [Walks away from a depressed George] Have a pleasant evening, Mr. Jungle.

Mrs. Stanhope:
Well, of course he went back to the jungle. Where else would he go? The Hague?

Ursula:
But why would he leave without saying goodbye?

Mrs. Stanhope:
Well, personally, I think he acted rather sensibly. Showed good character. He understands that he belongs there, you belong here. It's really all a question of stripes and spots.

Ursula:
What? [Realizes] Oh, no. You got to him. Mother, what did you say?

Mrs. Stanhope:
I simply said that if he really cared for you, he'd leave you alone, let you get on with your life and marry Lyle.

Ursula:
I am not marrying Lyle, Mother!

Mr. Stanhope:
Beatrice, perhaps we should just...

Mrs. Stanhope:
Arthur! Now, Ursula, darling, don't be ridiculous. There's a big difference between marriageable material and a fling in the jungle.

Ursula:
"A fling in the jungle"? A fling in the jungle? Who says I had a fling in the jungle?

Mrs. Stanhope:
You don't think you can fool your mother, do you? You've been head over heels for that ape ever since you brought him here. Now, Ursula, that kind of love is fleeting. You'll get over it.

[Ursula realizes something]

Ursula:
Did you just say love?

Mrs. Stanhope:
[Scared] No.

Ursula:
You did.

Mrs. Stanhope:
Ursula!

Ursula:
You're right.

Mrs. Stanhope:
Don't say it!

Ursula:
I love him. I'm outta here.

Mrs. Stanhope:
Ursula, you can't love him! Arthur, say something!

Mr. Stanhope:
Be careful out there, honey.

Mrs. Stanhope:
What?!

Ursula:
Goodbye, Daddy. [Hugs him]

Mr. Stanhope:
I love you.

Mrs. Stanhope:
What?!

Ursula:
I love you, Mom. Thank you. [Leaves]

Mrs. Stanhope:
Ursula! Arthur, do something!

Mr. Stanhope:
What would you have me do? There's obviously no stopping her.

Mrs. Stanhope:
Oh, God! [Drinks a sip of her drink and leaves] URSULA!!

Mr. Stanhope:
[under his breath] God, that woman's a pain in the ass.

[Cut back to the jungle]

Narrator:
Meanwhile, halfway across the road, another ass was feeling pain, as an ape named Ape was caged in a cage, hoping to hear the jungle king's awesome... [The sound of George yelling is heard] Hey, I'm pretty good at that. ...and wondering if he would ever come. But the motion-sick mammal needn't have moaned, for that defender of the innocent, protector of the weak, and all-around good guy, George of the Jungle, was closer than he knew.

Ape:
I'm hungry.

Thor:
Oh, shut up! You've been yakkin' for two days straight, and I'm getting mad enough to...

Ape:
You know, you really should work on your anger. Have you tried Brankowski's "Cage the Rage" technique?

Max:
Don't let him get to you, Thor. He's just an ape.

Ape:
That's a fine way to talk to your meal ticket. You keep that up, it's liable to affect my stage performance.

Max:
Give him a banana, Thor. Won't be long now.

Thor:
That's what you said yesterday. This trail's taking us to the middle of nowhere!

[Ape snickers]

Max:
The sign at the trail head said "Shortcut to Ape River". Now, why would it say "shortcut" if it wasn't a... [Realizes something] Wait a minute. Maybe it's a fake. A decoy trail.

Ape:
Very good, Max. Actually, the trail is a fake. It circles Ape Mountain six times before heading right back to the treehouse.

Thor:
Ohhh! Oh, I knew we was lost!

Max:
Don't listen to him, Thor. He's just trying to trick us, lead us off the shortcut so we take twice as long on the regular trail.

Thor:
We're already taking twice as long!

Max:
Are you gonna let a monkey make a monkey out of you?

Thor:
What?

Ape:
Du-u-u-uh!

Max:
Let's go. If he tells us the shortcut leads to the treehouse, then that's exactly where it doesn't lead.

Thor:
Max, look. We're back at the treehouse.

Ape:
Well, I tried, but you fellas are just too smart for me.

Max:
Oh, no!

Narrator:
"Oh, no!" was right, for the exhausted ape-nappers--

Thor:
Hey! Why don't you say something constructive for a change, like, what should we do now?

Narrator:
Because I don't like you!

Thor:
Well, I hate you, you snotty son of a--!

Narrator:
I'll pretend I didn't hear that. [Makes a loud crashing noise; everything else fast forwards for a few seconds] Having some fun now, hmm?

Max:
Thor, were you fighting with the narrator?

Thor:
Well, he started it.

Narrator:
Did not.

Thor:
You did too!

Narrator:
Did not!

Thor:
You did too!

Narrator:
Did not!

Thor:
You did too!

Max:
Thor, stop it!

Max:
Let's take care of him.

[Max and Thor pick George up and ram him]

George:
Huh?

Ape:
WHOA!

[George's head is wedged into the cage]

Ape:
Why didn't you come sooner?

George:
Why Ape have little stars around head?

[Max and Thor pull George out, tickle him, and ram his head back in]

Ape:
George, remember everything I told you about Queensbury rules and fighting fair?

George:
Uh-huh.

Ape:
Well, now's a good time to forget it.

Max:
Let's finish him off.

[George kicks Max and Thor in the groins]

Thor:
Oh, I can't breathe, Max!

Max Let it out, Thor, let it out!

[Max puts George in a Full Nelson and Thor starting tickling George.]

Thor:
Take this!

George:
Stop it! Ape! [laughing]

George:
[arrives in Africa in a crate] Next time George get bigger box.

George:
[repeated line] George just lucky, I guess.

George:
Here comes Shep.

George:
It dancin' time.

George:
[after crashing into a tree at a breakneck speed] George not feel so good.

Lyle Van Der Groot:
[practicing his made-up story about Ursula getting captured by the White Ape] It was horrible. An almost 400-pound white ape man. The White Ape has my girlfriend. I held him off as long as I could. There's blood everywhere. The White Ape got my girlfriend. He weighs 400-pounds! The White Ape got my girlfriend! The White Ape got...help! Help! Man needs help!