Ralph:
I'm half Italian-half Jewish. Which, I guess makes me a pizza-bagel.

Ralph:
Yeah.

Ralph:
Yeah, tell me about it. I'm Italian and Jewish. Twice the hair and the guilt.

Johnathan:
Let me tell you something. This happens to be real life. Money and power. That's all that counts out there in the world.

Ralph:
No, I don't think so. I...

Johnathan:
You're the best I ever had, kid. But pending a major change in your sex life - and I mean a MAJOR change - you are... on extended leave.

Ralph:
What?

Johnathan:
That's right. No chicks, no checks.

Johnathan:
Get the fuck out of here.

Johnathan:
It's a snatch-22. You love women and they hate you for it.

Elizabeth:
You are really, really, really not well.

Elizabeth:
Face it, Ralph. Everything you say and do is designed to attract members of the opposite sex.

Peter:
Dude, you can't change your life. I love your life. It's like a porno movie, but with better lighting. There's great cheesy music, lots of hot women. You could use more lesbians, though.

Ralph:
Oh, you think so? Thanks for the tip.

Ralph:
Yeah, I'm up for more of this ego-deflating banter.

Ralph:
He who loves and runs away lives to love another day.

Ralph:
Listerine - the only thing to reach BEFORE the snooze button.

Peter:
Genius. Pure genius.

Ralph:
No, I don't really get in to putting slippery, slimy, disgusting, wet, living organisms in my mouth.

Ralph:
I could.