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Half Baked Quotes (1998)
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Famous Half Baked Quotations
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Cannabis comedy doesn't get more juvenile than this pro-pot goof about three stoners who come to the rescue of a fourth buddy when he's arrested for feeding a lethal dose of junk food to a diabetic police horse. Kenny (Harland Williams) is sent to jail, and to rescue him from the almost inevitable trauma of homosexual rape (giving you some idea of this movie's level of humor), his buddies set out to raise his $100,000 bail by selling high-grade weed ripped off from a pharmaceutical research lab. That's about it for the plot; the rest of the movie's a parade of marijuana jokes and amusing pot-friendly cameos by the likes of Snoop Dog, Willie Nelson, and Janeane Garofalo. As two of the bong-hitting buddies, Jim Breuer (from Saturday Night Live) and comedian Dave Chappelle do their best to disguise the movie's lack of inspiration. But no matter how hard they try to milk laughs from the one-joke premise, they can't stop the movie's title from being an apt description of the movie itself. --Jeff Shannon
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- Brian: First of all to understand what happened to killer, you gotta understand who killer the dog was. Now killer was born to a three-legged bitch of a mother. He was always ashamed of this, man. And then right after that he's adopted by this man, Tito Liebowitz he's a small time gun runner and a rotweiler fight promoter. So he puts killer into training. They see killer's good. He is damn good. But then he had the fight of his life. They pit him against his brother nibbles. And killer said "no man that's my brother, I can't fight nibbles" but they made him fight anyway, and killer, he killed nibbles. Killer said "that's it!" he called off all his fights, and he started doing crack, and he freaked out. Then in a rage, he collapsed, and his heart no longer beat. wow.
Thurgood Jenkins: You know uh, I never thought I'd say this to anybody, but you two smoke entirely too much reefer. »
- Brian: For 400 dollars I got Jerry Garcia in a pouch, man!
Thurgood Jenkins: Who the fuck told you that?
Brian: The man who sold it to me, Barry Garcia.
Thurgood Jenkins: So who is that, Jerry Garcia's brother?
Brian: No, actually it was Andy Garcia's brother. »
- Brian: Get some sour cream and onion chips with some dip, man, some beef jerky, some peanut butter. Get some Haagen-Dasz ice cream bars, a whole lot, make sure chocolate, gotta have chocolate, man. Some popcorn, red popcorn, graham crackers, graham crackers with marshmallows, the little marshmallows and little chocolate bars and we can make s'mores, man. Also, celery, grape jelly, Cap'n Crunch with the little Crunch berries, pizzas. We need two big pizzas, man, everything on 'em, with water, whole lotta water, and Funyons.
Kenny: That's it?
Thurgood Jenkins: Yeah, get me a box of condoms, and, what was that thing we used to eat back in the day? What was it... oh yeah, pussy. »
- Brian: Hey, Jan... will you be my girlfriend?
Jan: Well, I would, but I'm gay. I'm a big dyke.
Brian: Oh. What's that like? »
- Brian: Lady, seven bucks for a used Kenny Loggins record? I'll give you five.
Brian: All right, I'll give you four. »
- Brian: No. »
- Cocaine Addict: Marijuana is not a drug. I used to suck dick for coke. Now that's an addiction. You ever suck some dick for marijuana? »
- Enhancement Smoker: You ever see the back of a twenty dollar bill... on weed? Oh, there's some crazy shit, man. There's a dude in the bushes. Has he got a gun? I dunno! RED TEAM GO, RED TEAM GO. »
- I'm Only Creative When I Smoke Smoker: Would you like to hear some of my poetry?
Thurgood Jenkins: Not really, no.
I'm Only Creative When I Smoke Smoker: Well you gotta. "I have killed. I have helped kill. I have killed part of myself. I cannot change this. I... I must seek Buddha. I must seek Christ"
Thurgood Jenkins: You must seek therapy. But that's just where I would go with that. »
- Kenny: I didn't know that horse was a diabetic! »
- Kenny: I love horses.
Kenny: I love Butterstuff.
Kenny: Butternuts!
Kenny: Cup! »
- Kenny: In eleven days I'm as good as skewered! Ever take your clothes off and run backwards through a cornfield? »
- Kenny: No. NO. NO! Devil man! Devil 6-6-6, the mark of the beast! No! Naughty! Naughty jungle of love! »
- Kenny: You guys gotta get me out of here! There's this guy Nasty Nate who wants my cocktail fruit, and everyone here likes fresh fish! Then The Squirrel Master came out of left field and told me I'm his bitch! »
- Samson Simpson: I'm going to kill you little Mexican friend?
Scarface: I'm Cuban, B!
Samson Simpson: YES! Cuban Bee! »
- Scarface: Don't worry, man. All we gotta do to get you out is to get ten percent of ten million dollars. Which by our calculations is...
Brian: ...Fucking impossible, man! »
- Scarface: Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, and fuck you, I'm out! »
- Scarface: I got it! Why don't we sell that weed that we smoked earlier!
Thurgood Jenkins: We suggested that already!
Scarface: For real, B? »
- Sir-Smoke-Alot: Bitch! You know what I want! Hahahahaha! I wanna talk to Samson! Fly me to the moon like that bitch Alice Kramden! 'Cause it's hard being black and gifted! Sometimes I wanna throw it all down and get lifted! »
- Sir-Smoke-Alot: The doctor said I need a backiotomy! »
- Squirrel Master: Back up Nasty Nate, this my bitch!
Nasty Nate: Better watch your back Fish! Squirrel Master ain't gonna be there for you all the time. Next time I come for you, I'm gonna want some cocktail... FRUIT!
Kenny: Here take it!
Kenny: I'm somebody's bitch! »
- The Guy on the Couch: Hey, is it January?
Thurgood Jenkins: No, it's August.
The Guy on the Couch: Really? »
- Thurgood Jenkins: Abba Zabba, you my only friend. »
- Thurgood Jenkins: Don't get me wrong, I love weed. I LOVE IT! But not as much as I love pussy. The end. »
- Thurgood Jenkins: Guys just shutup about the weed for two seconds, I don't want this girl to know I smoke
Scarface: Yeah it's bad enough you a janitor yo.
Thurgood Jenkins: Custodian, dick! »
- Thurgood Jenkins: I be from Jamaica, mon.
Samson Simpson: What part of Jamaica?
Thurgood Jenkins: Right near da beach. Whoa-ee! »
- Thurgood Jenkins: I don't do drugs, though. Just weed. »
- Thurgood Jenkins: I got some bootie! I got some bootie! It was good, too. »
- Thurgood Jenkins: I love weed, LOVE IT! But not as much as I love pussy! »
- Thurgood Jenkins: I'm sorry, yo. I don't wanna be the first nigga to die from a crossbow! »
- Thurgood Jenkins: If I wasn't from Jamaica, then why would I be wearing this hat? »
- Thurgood Jenkins: Oh my goodness! Now that is a titty! That's what I'm talkin' 'bout! »
- Thurgood Jenkins: So, now we all live together in New York. I myself, am a master of the custodial arts. Or a janitor, if you wanna be a dick about it. »
- Thurgood Jenkins: You apparently missed the entire point to that story. »
- Thurgood Jenkins: You have smoked yourself retarded. »
- Thurgood Jenkins: You know I got some weed at work today, if y'all wanna try it out.
Scarface: Nah, we don't feel like smokin right now.
Thurgood Jenkins: Me neither. So y'all wanna smoke?
Scarface: I'll get Billy Bong Thornton!
Brian: No man. No Billy Bong Thornton without Kenny. That wouldn't be right. Get Wesley Pipes. »
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