Harry:
Like the suit? It was a surprise present from my wife. It was draped over the chair in the bedroom when I got home.

Harry:
You! If that is your real name.

Harry:
This is what I love about this country: I took their money. I didn't have to say please or nothing. Just got finished spitting in her drink. I tore it up, I burned it up, I fucked it up real good. I called him a dildo. I ignored him completely. Then I gave them their money back. Then for no apparent reason, they gave the money back to me! I love this country.

Harry:
We're doing...a money trick!

Harry:
Turk Pipkin! Your 1975 Dodge Dart is parked illegally and is about to be towed.

Turk:
Wait a minute. I don't own a car. I don't even know how to drive.

Harry:
I hold here a genuine Moroccan leather wallet, made from a genuine Moroccan.

Harry:
Hey, I'm on a roll! That's why there's butter on my pants! (Audience boos) Hey, I did not go out looking for you people, okay?

Harry:
It's like my old man used to say: You've got to get up pretty early in the morning, so why don't you go to bed now.

Harry:
I guess the question I'm asked most often is how did I get started with all this and whenever I'm asked that question I always tell this story, and you can believe it because it is a true story, although I am a pathological liar...but not really.

Harry:
A fool and his money were lucky to get together in the first place.