Hedwig:
My sex change operation got botched; my guardian angel fell asleep on the watch; now all I got is a Barbie doll crotch; I've got an angry inch!

Hedwig:
I had tried singing once and they threw tomatoes so after the show I had a nice salad.

Hedwig:
After my divorce from Luther I scraped by with baby-sitting gigs and odd jobs - mostly the jobs we call blow.

Tommy:
What do you think? Do you think love lasts forever?

Hedwig:
No, but this song does.

Hedwig:
That song was by a young mister Kurt Cobain - now that kid's got a future!

Tommy:
Do you accept Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Saviour?

Hedwig:
No, but I love his work.

Hedwig:
Ladies and gentlemen, do you like the pelt? Be honest, because some *bitch* stopped me on the way in. "What poor and unfortunate creature had to die for you to wear that?"

Hedwig:
My Aunt Trudy, I replied. Walked away ladies and gentlemen, walked away!

Hansel:
Luther is silent for a moment, as he stares at my little bishop in a turtleneck.

Yitzhak:
Fuck you, I'm going to Guam!

Phyllis:
I don't think it's going to help our lawsuit if you continue to st... if you present the appearance of stalking him.

Hedwig:
Yeah, you know I don't like that word.

Phyllis:
I could have your job! Where's my fucking broach?

Hedwig:
How many times do I have to tell you? You don't put a bra in a dryer! It warps!

Hedwig:
How did some slip of a girly boy from communist East Berlin become the internationally ignored song stylist barely standing before you?

Hedwig:
Don't you know me Kansas City? I'm the new Berlin Wall. Try and tear me down!

Hedwig:
When it comes to huge openings, a lot of people think of me.

Hedwig:
The road is my home. In reflecting upon the people whom I have come upon in my travels, I cannot help but think of the people who have come upon me. Tommy, can you hear me? From this milkless tit you have sucked the very business we call show!

Tommy:
What is that?

Hedwig:
It's what I have to work with.

Hedwig:
It is clear that I must find my other half. But is it a he or a she? What does this person look like? Identical to me? Or somehow complimentary? Does my other half have what I don't? Did he get the looks? The luck? The love? Were we really separated forceably or did he just run off with the good stuff? Or did I? Will this person embarass me? What about sex? Is that how we put ourselves back together again? Or can two people actually become one again?

Hedwig:
I got kicked out of university after delivering a brilliant lecture on the aggressive influence of German philosophy on rock and roll entitled "You, Kant, Always Get What You Want".

Hansel's Mom:
To be free, one must give up a part of oneself.

Hedwig:
Our apartment was so small, that mother made me play in the oven. Late at night I would listen to the voices of the American masters, Tony Tennille, Debby Boone, Anne Murray who was actually a Canadian working in the American idiom. And then there were the crypto-homo rockers: Lou Reed, Iggy Pop, David Bowie who was actually an idiom working in America and Canada. These artists, they left as deep an impression on me as that oven rack did on my face. To be an American in muskrat love, soft as an easy chair not even the chair, I am I said, have I never been mellow? And the colored girls sing... doo do doo do doo do doo... but never with the melody. How could I do it better than Tony or Lou... HEY BOY, TAKE A WALK ON THE WILD SIDE!

Hansel's Mom:
Absolute power corrupts.

Hansel (6 Years Old):
Absolutely.

Hansel's Mom:
Better to be powerless, my son.

Hedwig:
One day in the late mid 80's I was in my early late 20's.

Hedwig:
He sang the strangest songs to me, by bands I had never heard of: Boston, Kansas, America, Europe, Asia. Travel exhausts me.

Tommy:
Eve just wanted to know shit.

Krzysztof:
Ms. Hedwig, can we dessert now?