Zach:
Yeah, dude, I'm getting married tomorrow! You don't know her.

Herman Schumacher:
Why didn't you invite me to your wedding?

Zach:
Susan hates you.

Herman Schumacher:
We've never met.

Zach:
That's 'cause she hates you.

Herman Schumacher:
So I was thinking we could go to a movie and then I know a nice little Italian restaurant.

Carrie Mirvis:
I figured we'd just have sex.

Herman Schumacher:
I understand.

Herman Schumacher:
I have a question. Why are we digging holes?

Herman's Boss:
Because we work be BEC-Tech Global Systems Incorporated.

Herman Schumacher:
I mean, are we going to put something in the holes?

Herman's Boss:
If we fill in the holes they wouldn't be holes anymore. Enough of this chit chat. We just got big order for holes this month.

Carrie Mirvis:
Oh, Chartreuse. Now all I have to remember him by is all that sex.

Landscaping Dude:
Hey...stop stabbing me!

Damon:
Quit stabbing yourself, quit stabbing yourself!

Damon:
If you ever want to see her again, you'll meet me in the backyard for a battle to the death, death, death, death...

Herman Schumacher:
And if I kill you, you'll tell me where she is?

Damon:
Agreed.

Damon:
On the flipside, Hermie.

Hugo:
I always get really dizzy when I haven't murdered a hitchhiker in a while.

Weird Digger:
I don't like the way you dig.

Herman Schumacher:
China? And you used my calling card?! You stupid monster!