Horse Feathers

Horse Feathers

Imagine Groucho as the president of a college and Harpo and Chico as football players. It doesn't get much wackier than this. Horse feathers, indeed. Groucho is hilarious to watch as a hip professor. He's at his most rebellious singing "Whatever it is, I'm against it." Thelma Todd does some of her best vamping to help fix the big football game, which Harpo and Chico are supposed to throw. Naturally, the brothers have other ideas. For sheer laughter, this has to rate almost as high as Duck Soup, with the memorable speakeasy sequence, and the funniest football finale of all time, complete with banana peels and a chariot. --Bill Desowitz

Director(s): Norman Z. McLeod
Production: MCA Universal Home Video
  2 nominations.
 
IMDB:
7.7
Rotten Tomatoes:
96%
NR (Not Rated)
Year:
1932
68
1,932 Views

Wagstaff:
Members of the faculty, faculty members, students of Huxley and Huxley students - I guess that covers everything. Well, I thought my razor was dull until I heard this speech. And that reminds me of a story that's so dirty I'm ashamed to think of it myself. As I look over your eager faces, I can readily understand why this college is flat on its back. The last college I presided over, things were slightly different. I was flat on my back. Things kept going from bad to worse but we all put our shoulders to the wheel and it wasn't long before I was flat on my back again. Any questions? Any answers? Any rags? Any bones? Any bottles today? Any rags? Let's have some action around here. Who'll say 76? Who'll say 17 76? That's the spirit! 1776!

...

Wagstaff:
[to a woman sitting on his son's lap] Young lady. Would you mind getting up so I can see the son rise? So, doing your homework in school, eh?

Retiring President:
I am sure the students would appreciate a brief outline of your plans for the future.

Wagstaff:
What?

Retiring President:
I said the students would appreciate a brief outline of your plans for the future.

Wagstaff:
You just said that! That's the trouble around here: talk, talk, talk! Oh, sometimes I think I must go mad. Where will it all end? What is it getting you? Why don't you go home to your wife? I'll tell you what, I'll go home to your wife and, outside of the improvement, she'll never know the difference. Pull over to the side of the road there and let me see your marriage license.

Retiring President:
President Wagstaff, now that you've stepped into my shoes...

Wagstaff:
Oh, is that what I stepped in? I wondered what it was. If these are your shoes, the least you could do was have them cleaned.

Baravelli:
[at the speakeasy door] Who are you?

Wagstaff:
I'm fine thanks, who are you?

Baravelli:
I'm fine too, but you can't come in unless you give the password.

Wagstaff:
Well, what is the password?

Baravelli:
Aw, no! You gotta tell me. Hey, I tell what I do. I give you three guesses. It's the name of a fish.

Wagstaff:
Is it Mary?

Baravelli:
Ha-ha. That's-a no fish.

Wagstaff:
She isn't, well, she drinks like one. Let me see. Is it sturgeon?

Baravelli:
Hey you crazy! Sturgeon, he's a doctor cuts you open when-a you sick. Now I give you one more chance.

Wagstaff:
I got it! Haddock!

Baravelli:
That's-a funny. I gotta haddock, too.

Wagstaff:
What do you take for a haddock?

Baravelli:
Well-a, sometimes I take-a aspirin, sometimes I take-a calomel.

Wagstaff:
Say, I'd walk a mile for a calomel.

Baravelli:
You mean chocolate calomel. I like that too, but you no guess it. Hey, what-sa matter, you no understand English? You can't come in here unless you say 'swordfish.' Now I'll give you one more guess.

Wagstaff:
[to himself] Swordfish, swordfish. [to Baravelli] I think I got it. Is it 'swordfish'?

Baravelli:
Hah! That's-a it! You guess it!

Wagstaff:
Pretty good, eh?

[When Baravelli opens the door and congratulates him, Wagstaff sneaks in the door and shuts it. Baravelli knocks and Wagstaff opens the portal]

Wagstaff:
Whatta you want?

Baravelli:
I wanna come in

Wagstaff:
What's the password?

Baravelli:
Ahh, you're no foolin' me. Swordfish.

Wagstaff:
No, I got tired of that. I changed it.

Baravelli:
What's the password now?

Wagstaff:
Gee, I forgot it. I'd better come outside with you.

[exits and both are now locked out]

Wagstaff:
(enters a biology classroom) Have they started sawing a woman in half yet?

Biology professor:
Why, Mr. President, this is indeed an honor! What brings you here?

Wagstaff:
A bicycle, but I left it in the hallway. Do you have two empty dunce seats in here? 'Cause I got two empty-headed dunces in the hall. Come in, dunces! (Baravelli and Pinky enter) Here they are- ten cents a dunce. (Baravelli gives the professor an apple, Pinky gives him a watermelon) Now all you need is a bowl of cherries.

Biology teacher:
Er- find yourselves a couple of seats. (Pinky and Baravelli sit down, kiss the girls on either side of them, accidentally kiss each other, start a fight, then sit down again) Now, let us go on with our lecture.

Wagstaff:
I wish you'd go on without your lecture. (looking down a microscope)

Biology teacher:
... What do you think of that slide?

Wagstaff:
Well, I think he was safe at second, but it was very close.

Biology teacher:
Now, let us examine the circulatory system. Here is the liver.

Wagstaff:
What! No bacon! I'd send that back if I were you.

Biology teacher:
The liver, if neglected, invariably leads to cirrhosis. Of course, you are all familiar with the symptoms of cirrhosis.

Baravelli:
Sure. So roses are red. So violets are blue. So sugar is sweet. So so are you.

Wagstaff:
I can't see him, but I bet I know who it is.

Biology teacher:
For the protection of the heart, or cardium, Mother Nature has provided a sac, called the pericardium. Any questions?

Baravelli:
Yes. When you gonna cut the watermelon open?

Wagstaff:
Is this stuff on the level or are you just making it up as you go along? My feet are getting tired from this walk.

Biology teacher:
Why, everything I told you can be found in the simplest text book on anatomy. I'm sure my students will bear me out.

Baravelli:
(stands up) We'll bear you out!

[The teacher is borne out of the classroom into the corridor, literally, by Pinky and Baravelli, Pinky loudly honking his taxi horn]

Wagstaff:
(to the students) Let that be a lesson to all of you: this school was here before you came, and it'll be here before you go. And that goes for you too, ya numbskull! (swats at a skull sitting on the professor's desk)

Wagstaff:
Let us follow a corpuscle on its' journey. (suddenly grabs his bag and cap, heads for the door, then stops) Oh, my mistake, I thought I was a corpuscle. As you know, there is constant warfare between the red and white corpuscles. Now then, baboons, what is a corpuscle?

Baravelli:
That's easy. First is-a captain, then is-a lieutenant, then is-a corpuscle.

Wagstaff:
That's fine. Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out? We now find ourselves among the Alps. The Alps are a very simple people living on a diet of rice and old shoes. Beyond the Alps lies more Alps and the Lord Alps those that Alps themselves. We then come to the bloodstream. The blood rushes from the head down to the feet, gets a look at those feet, and rushes back to the head again. This is known as auction pinochle. Now in studying your basic metabolism, we first listen to your hearts beat. And if your hearts beat anything but diamonds and clubs, it's because your partner is cheating - or your wife...Now take this point for instance [He points to a horse's ass placed over an anatomy chart - a picture of Pinky's beloved horse that he placed there when Wagstaff wasn't looking] - That reminds me, I haven't seen my son all day. Well, the human body takes many strange forms. (removes the horse poster) Now here is a most unusual organ. The organ will play a solo immediately after the feature picture. Scientists make these deductions by examining a rat, or your landlord, who won't cut the rent. And what do they find? Asparagus! Now, on closer examination... [Pinky has now placed a picture of his ballerina beauty over Wagstaff's anatomy chart] Hmm! This needs closer examination. In fact, it needs a nightgown. Baravelli, who's responsible for this? Is this your picture?

Baravelli:
I no think so. It doesn't look like me.

Wagstaff:
Well, take it outta here immediately, and hang it up in my bedroom. Now then, out with it! Who did it? (Pinky stands up, a guilty look on his face) Oh, so you're the culprit! Young man, as you grow older, you'll find you can't burn the candle at both ends! (Pinky proves him wrong by pulling, from his pocket, a candle burning at both ends) Well, I was wrong- I knew there was something you couldn't burn at both ends, I thought it was a candle. However, you must be punished. Just for that, you stay after school! (points to a pretty girl next to Pinky)

Student:
But Professor, I didn't do anything!

Wagstaff:
(grins) I know, but there's no fun keeping him after school!

Wagstaff:
This is the first time I've been out in a canoe since I saw The American Tragedy.

Connie:
Oh, you're perfectly safe, Professor, in this boat.

Wagstaff:
I don't know. I was going to get a flat bottom but the girl at the boat house didn't have one.

Connie:
Well you know, Professor, I could go on like this, drifting and dreaming forever. What a day! Spring in the air.

Wagstaff:
Who, me? I should spring in the air and fall in the lake?

Connie:
Oh, Professor, you're full of whimsy.

Wagstaff:
Can you notice it from there? I'm always that way after I eat radishes. (he adjusts his jacket, and a piece of paper falls from his pocket into the lake; he grabs an oar and tries to pull it back)

Connie:
Oh, is that important? (tries to help him)

Wagstaff:
Is it important?! Those are the football signals! (a duck begins eating the signals, Wagstaff sits down again) Let 'em go. Luckily, I've got a duplicate set in my pocket. I always carry two of everything- this is the first time I've ever been out with one woman.

Connie:
Oh, you mean you take two girls out every time?

Wagstaff:
(nods) Particularly in an automobile- I hate to see a girl walk home alone.

Connie:
Do you know, Professor, I've never seen football signals? Do you think a little girl like me could understand them?

Wagstaff:
I think a little girl like you would understand practically anything.

Connie:
Is gweat big stwong man gonna show liddle icky baby all about the bad footbawl signals?

Wagstaff:
[startled] Was that you or the duck? 'Cause if it was you, I'm gonna finish this ride with the duck.

Connie:
If icky baby don't learn about the footbawl signals, icky baby gonna cwy.

Wagstaff:
If icky girl keep on tawking that way, big stwong man gonna kick all her teef wight down her thwoat.


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