How the Grinch Stole Christmas

The Grinch:
That's what it's all about, isn't it? That's what it's ALWAYS been *about*! Gifts. Gifts... Gifts, gifts, gifts, gifts, gifts, gifts! You wanna know what happens to your gifts? They all come to me. In your garbage. You see what I'm saying? In your GARBAGE! I could hang myself with all the bad Christmas neckties I found at the dump! And the avarice...

The Grinch:
The avarice never ends! "I want golf clubs. I want diamonds. I want a pony so I can ride it twice, get bored and sell it to make glue." Look, I don't wanna make waves, but this *whole* Christmas season is

The Grinch:
stupid, stupid, stupid!

The Grinch:
Those Whos are hard to frazzle, Max. But, we did our worst, and that's all that matters.

The Grinch:
Blast this Christmas music. It's joyful and triumphant.

Narrator:
So, whatever the reason, his heart or his shoes, he stood outside his cave hating the Whos...

The Grinch:
...Alphabetically.

The Grinch:
Aardvarkian Abakenezer Who - I... HATE YOU! Aaron B. Benson Who - I hate *you*.

The Grinch:
Hate, hate, hate. Hate, hate, hate. Double Hate. LOATHE ENTIRELY.

The Grinch:
What's that stench? It's fantastic.

The Grinch:
Are you having a holly, jolly Christmas?

The Grinch:
WRONG-O!

Cindy Lou Who:
Santa, don't forget the Grinch. I know he's mean and hairy and smelly, and his hands are cold and clammy, but I think he's kinda... sweet.

The Grinch:
SWEET.... You think he's sweet?

The Grinch:
Cute kid, bad judge of character.

The Grinch:
MAX. HELP ME... I'm FEELING.

Lou Lou Who:
I'm glad he took our presents. I... I'm glad.

Augustus Maywho:
He's glad! You're glad everything is... is gone. You're glad that the Grinch virtually wrecked- No no no, not wrecked, *pulverized* Christmas. Is that what I'm hearing from from you, Lou?

Lou Lou Who:
You can't hurt Christmas, Mr. Mayor, because it isn't about the... the gifts or the contest or the fancy lights. That's what Cindy's been trying to tell everyone... and me. She was trying to tell me.

Augustus Maywho:
This is a child!

Lou Lou Who:
She's *my* Child. And she happens to be right, by the way. I don't need anything more for Christmas than this right here - my family.

The Grinch:
I'm gonna die. I'm gonna throw up, then I'm gonna die.

The Grinch:
Jury duty, jury duty, jury duty, blackmail, pink slip, chain letter, eviction notice, jury duty.

Cindy Lou Who:
Santa, what's the meaning of Christmas?

The Grinch:
VENGEANCE. I mean... presents, I suppose.

The Grinch:
Oh, the Who-manity.

Narrator:
The Who's young and old would sit down to a Feast, and they will feast, and they will feast.

The Grinch:
And they'll feast, feast, feast, feast. They'll eat their Who-Pudding and rare Who-Roast Beast. But there's something I just cannot stand in least... Oh no. I'M SPEAKING IN RHYME.

The Grinch:
It's because I'm green isn't it?

The Grinch:
The nerve of those Whos. Inviting me down there... and on such short notice... Even if I wanted to go, my schedule wouldn't allow it!

The Grinch:
"4:00, wallow in self pity.", "4:30, stare into the abyss.", "5:00, solve world hunger" - Tell no one. "5:30, jazzercize.", "6:30, dinner with me" - I can't cancel that again! "7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing." ...I'm booked. Of course, if I bump the loathing to 9 I could still be done in time to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling, and slip slowly into madness... But what would I wear???

The Grinch:
One man's toxic waste is another man's potpourri.

Max:
*barks*

The Grinch:
I don't know, it's some kind of soup.

Narrator:
Then the Whos young and old would sit down to a Feast, and they'll feast, and they'll feast...

The Grinch:
...And they'll feast, feast, feast, feast! They'll eat their Who-Pudding, and rare Who-Roast BEAST! But there's something I just cannot stand in least... Oh no. I'M SPEAKING IN RHYME! BLAST YOU, WHOS!

Man:
Honey! Our baby's here!

Man:
...He looks just like your boss.

The Grinch:
I am the Grinch that stole Christmas, and I'm... sorry.

The Grinch:
...Aren't you going to cuff me? Put me in a choke hold? Blind me with pepper spray?

Mayor Augustus Maywho:
You heard him, Officer. He admitted it. I'd go with the pepper spray.

Officer Wholihan:
Yes, I heard him all right. He said he was sorry.

The Grinch:
Oh no. The Presents. They'll be destroyed. ...And I *care*! What is the DEAL???

The Grinch:
Now you listen to me, young lady! Even if we're horribly mangled... there'll be no sad faces on Christmas.

The Grinch:
I must stop Christmas from coming... but how? I MEAN - in what way?

Mayor Augustus Maywho:
The anger.

Martha May Whovier:
The muscle.

The Grinch:
Oh. Bleeding hearts of the world UNITE.

Lou Lou Who:
Let's see, we've got a munkle for your uncle, a fant for your aunt and a fandpa for your Cousin Leon.

Cindy Lou Who:
Everybody seems too kerbabbled. Isn't this just a little superfluous?

The Grinch:
Who wants the gizzard?

Man:
I do!

The Grinch:
Too late! That'll be mine.

Lou Lou Who:
Hello? Is my Subzero Chillibrator running? I suppose.

The Grinch:
Well then you better go catch it.

Martha May Whovier:
Did I have a crush on the Grinch? Of COURSE not.

Cindy Lou Who:
Uh... I didn't ask you that.

Mayor Augustus Maywho:
And if you marry me, you get this new car, which has been generously paid for by the taxpayers of Whoville.

The Grinch:
It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes, or bags.

Mayor Augustus Maywho:
He had hair. Not pleasant. He shed. Not right.

The Grinch:
All right, you're a reindeer. Here's your motivation: Your name is Rudolph, you're a freak with a red nose, and no one likes you. Then, one day, Santa picks you and you save Christmas. No, forget that part. We'll improvise... just keep it kind of loosey-goosey. You HATE Christmas, you're gonna steal it. Saving Christmas is a lousy ending; way too commercial. ACTION.

The Grinch:
BRILLIANT. You reject your own nose because it represents the glitter of commercialism. Why didn't I think of that? Cut, print, moving on.

The Grinch:
Well, pucker up and kiss it, Whoville.

The Grinch:
Am I just eating because I'm bored?

The Grinch:
It’s because I’m green, isn’t it?! ~points long finger at taxi...

Grinch referring to Martha May:
She'll be on me like flaggle fleas on a flat-faced fleaggle horse.