It Takes Two

Amanda Lemmon:
Yeah right, and Santa Claus lives with the tooth fairy in Queens.

Diane Barrows:
That can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars over the fence, world series kind of love.

Diane Barrows:
Besides, you don't want to be an orphan forever.

Amanda Lemmon:
So adopt me why don't you?

Diane Barrows:
They won't let me adopt you on my salary, besides, you deserve a mother and a father.

Amanda Lemmon:
So, get a husband.

Diane Barrows:
It's not like buying a car you know.

Amanda Lemmon:
I know. It's got to be that can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence world series kind of thing, right?

Diane Barrows:
Hey, a girl's got to have her standards.

Amanda Lemmon:
I know, I know. Everyone wants babies. Not kids like me.

Diane Barrows:
Guys like him like girls with food names like Cookie or Muffin or Candy, not girls like me.

Roger Callaway:
I made my money the old fashion way - pure dumb luck.

Amanda Lemmon:
This orphan stuff is like growing up in a pound. Everybody wants a puppy.

Alyssa Calloway:
How was the party?

Amanda Lemmon:
Well, the good news is that Clarice is gone.

Alyssa Calloway:
You did it!

Amanda Lemmon:
The bad news is that she'll be back in a week.

Alyssa Calloway:
You didn't!

Diane Barrows:
I can't believe you talked me into this

Alyssa Calloway:
You're too tense. Relax

Diane Barrows:
Oh, I've got a thousand pounds of wild animal under my butt and she says relax!

Roger Callaway:
I don't know what's more bruised. My butt or my ego

Diane Barrows:
You should really put iodine on your butt... cut

Amanda Lemmon:
All this money and these people eat slugs?

Clarice Kensington:
A rough day is a broken nail, what I'm having is a TRAIN WRECK!

Clarice Kensington:
Where the hell is everybody? Vincenzo!

Diane Barrows:
You go on in, and I'll wait right here.

Alyssa Calloway:
DIANE BURROWS! YOU GET YOUR BUTT UP HERE THIS INSTANT!

Diane Barrows:
Okay, Okay.

Diane Barrows:
Sorry to ruin your wedding. I just didn't want the wrong girl going down the aisle. I mean the wrong flower girl.

Roger Callaway:
I think you had it right the first time.

Diane Barrows:
You two planned all this.

Amanda Lemmon:

Roger Callaway:
What do you have to say for yourselves?

Amanda Lemmon:

Roger Callaway:
Vincenzo, did you ever hit a home run?

Vincenzo:
Not lately.

Roger Callaway:
You know the feeling when it's the bottom of the ninth, the bases are loaded, and you know the next one's coming right down the middle... and then... you just connect... and for an instant, you know that it's going over the fence and out of the park... and further than you could ever imagine?

Vincenzo:
Yeah, that's a great feeling.

Roger Callaway:
Yeah.

Roger Callaway:
Clarisse hates baseball.

(Frankie tags Amanda out, after she gets in the car)

Frankie:
You're out!

Amanda:
(as the car drives away) You're a dead man Frankie!

Commentator boy:
Well fans, its the bottom of the ninth, the bases are loaded, and guess who the Olsen's have at bat?

Comentator girl:
That's right, its the home run Queen herself, the Belter from the Shelter, Miss-

Diane:
Amanda Lemmon!!

Diane:
Its time for your interview, now drop the bat, let's go!

Amanda:
Just lemme' smash this ball downtown, kay?

Diane:
Alright you got ten seconds- otherwise the game is gonna be called on account of bloodshed!

Vincenzo:
Miss Kensington says "fashionably late" was an hour ago. What seems to be the problem?

Carlo:
I'm a hairdresser. Not a zookeeper.

Amanda:
[as Alyssa, after eating escargot] All this money, and these people eat slugs?!

Amanda:
[as Alyssa] Ladies and gentlemen, normally, I'd be tickled to play a selection from... [briefly eyes the sheet music cover: "Frederic Chopin- Eight Pieces for the Piano"] ... Chopin, but in honor of my new stepmother, whom I absolutely adore, I've decided to play a little something of my own.

[Roger and Vincenzo watch Amanda as Alyssa banging on the piano keys at the engagement party]

Roger:
You think maybe my daughter's asking for a little attention?

Vincenzo:
I'd say she's demandin' it.

[Amanda bangs the final notes]

Roger:
Hmm.

Diane:
[to the main office of child services on the phone] Let me just run this by you one more time, okay? Please, just hear me out, one more time. Okay. I know I don't make that much money, and I know that I'm a little bit single, but I want to adopt Amanda.

[Anderson laughs on the other end]

Diane:
No, I... Are you laughing at me? [to Patty] He's laughing at me! [to phone] You... You stupid JERK! [hangs up in fury]

[after the macaroni spills on Roger's head, Diane laughs and snorts as quietly as she can]

Roger:
Excuse me, ma'am. Did you just snort?

[Diane shakes her head, snorts, and laughs again]

Roger:
I suppose you think this is funny? [picks up a butterknife w/a bit of butter on it] Well, maybe you'll get a little chuckle outta this.

Diane:
You wouldn't dare.

[Roger flings the butter on her; Diane yelps]

Diane:
FOOD FIGHT!!!

[a food fight breaks out]

[Diane storms into the office after after Alyssa, as Amanda, was "adopted" by the Butkises]

Diane:
You were supposed to protect her! You should've done something. Y-Y-You could've slit their tires or something! Anything!

Jerry:
They had the paperwork!

Diane:
What paperwork?!

Patty:
[hands Diane the paperwork] We couldn't find you! Miss Van Dyke was here. What did you want us to do, lie in front of the van, for God's sake?!

Diane:
I would have! [drops the paperwork] I'm takin' the Jeep! [takes the keys to the Jeep]

Jerry:
Hey, that's the camp's!

Diane:
[furiously] Oh, don't you even...! [storms off]

Clarice:
Where the hell is everybody? Vincenzo!

[Amanda and Vincenzo have heard the whole thing]

Vincenzo:
I sure hope you got a plan.

Harry Jr.:
We've been looking for you, Your Highness.

[he kneels to Alyssa and presents her with a makeshift crown made out of an old can]

Alyssa:
[annoyed] Leave me alone.

Brenda:
But, Your Majesty, we brought you something.

Billy:
Yeah. Something to make you feel more at home.

[he has a plunger in his hand as a makeshift scepter]

[Alyssa sits on a pile of scrap with her makeshift crown, cape, and scepter]

Billy:
Here's your royal throne, "Alyssa Callaway"!

[the other kids laugh]

Billy:
Hail Betty, Queen of the scrap heap!

All Butkis Kids:
Hail Betty!

[they kneel before Alyssa]

Alyssa:
But my name's Alyssa Callaway!

Harry:
Yeah, right. And I'm Princess Di.

[the helicopter flies across New York City, on the way to St. Bart's]

Alyssa:
We'll never make it! We only have 10 minutes!

Diane:
So, Lou!

Lou:
Yeah?

Diane:
How close can you land this thing to the church?

Lou:
Central Park close enough?

Diane:
Central Park? The Central Park? That'll do.

[Diane and Alyssa spot a horse-drawn carriage; Alyssa gets on]

Diane:
Oh, no. NOT another horse!

Alyssa:
Diane, come on!

Diane:
All right.

[she gets into the carriage]

Diane:
Where is the driver?

[she notices that the driver is at the hot dog stand, eating hot dogs]

Diane:
Oh! Hey, Buddy! Listen, you gotta take us to St. Bart's right away! It's an emergency!

Driver:
[mouthful] We're closed, Miss. I'm on my break!

[Diane turns to Alyssa, and c*cks her head, signaling her to get in the driver's seat and take the reins; Diane gets in the passenger seat and turns angrily to the driver]

Diane:
I wanna thank you for all your help, Bud!

Alyssa:
[whips the reins] HYAH!

[the horse runs off, pulling the carriage; Diane falls backwards into the seat; the driver notices and runs after his horse]

Driver:
[still mouthful] Hey. Hey, lady! Hey, that's...

[he spits]

Driver:
[screams clearly] THAT'S MY HORSE!!!!!

[Alyssa and Diane arrive at the front steps of the church]

Alyssa:
Aren't you coming?!

Diane:
[stammers] Uh, no, I think I'm just gonna wait for Amanda out here.

Alyssa:
Diane Barrows! Get your butt up here this... instant!

Diane:
Okay. Okay. Maybe I'll just stand in the back and take a little look-see.

Clarice:
This is all YOUR fault!

[she is about to slap Amanda (posing as Alyssa) but is stopped by Vincenzo]

Vincenzo:
[furiously] Lady, if you touch that child, I'll POP you one, so help me God!

[Clarice storms off and sees the real Alyssa, then Amanda, and she does a double take]

Clarice:
Oh, my God! There's two of them! It's a conspiracy! [laughs and smiles] Well, at least I'll get to hit one of you.

[she reaches over to slap Alyssa, but Diane stops her]

Diane:
HEY! Back off, "Barbie". And by the way, you have a little, tiny bit of something right here on your teeth.

[she points to Clarice having lipstick on her teeth]

Clarice:
I have never been more humiliated in my LIFE!

[she heads out the door, when...]

Alyssa:
Wanna bet?

[she steps on the hem of Clarice's wedding gown, pulling her skirt down and exposing her underpants in front of the guests; they all laugh and take photographs]

Clarice:
Oh, my God! [shrieks] Daddy! [runs out in humiliation] Oh, my God!

Alyssa:
[to Amanda] Told ya, third time's the charm.

Roger:
W-wait a minute. All of this? This was your doing?

[both Amanda and Alyssa nod their heads in unison]

Diane:
Oh, it WAS, was it?

[the girls nod their heads in unison again]

Roger:
Well, ladies, what do you have to say for yourselves?

Amanda and Alyssa:
So kiss already!