All blokes get to that stage when they get bigger than their dad, like fourteen/fifteen, and he can't hit you no more. And he's like 'go to your room!', and your like
"Nah! Fucking nah dad!
things are gonna change around 'ere." Now he didn't hit me, but it took a team of surgeons to remove that fag from my arse.
I actually spent four days in my hotel room 'cause I closed the door and there was a sign on the door saying "Do Not Disturb" and I thought, "Fuck I can't get out!"... In my cupboard was a blanket and a pillow, that was the worst night's sleep I've ever fucking had... and the Corby trouser press, don't it hurt your legs!
This bloke... I swear he's in any supermarket car park, he's great. He walks across the car park and he's got one of those fobs and he opens his car before he gets there.
"Ha ha ha! I don't know if you saw what I just did there, but I actually opened my car door before I actually physically got there!" TWAT!
Getting lost is the worst thing in the world, especially if you're with your wife. That's the nightmare. If you get lost with your wife you know it's gonna be a nightmare. Because you know when you hand your wife the map and you except her to turn into the Lombard rally with the helmet and goggles going, "Go! Go! Go! Left, right, straight ahead!" But they don't, you hand your wife the map and she'll go, "Where are we now?" "That's why I gave you the fucking map!" "All right, all right! You got us lost! Christopher fucking Columbus!" They then go, "Oh look, they have a Woolworths!" You fucking...
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"Lee Evans: Wired and Wonderful - Live at Wembley Quotes." Quotes.net. STANDS4 LLC, 2015. Web. 30 May 2015. <http://www.quotes.net/movies/Lee Evans: Wired and Wonderful - Live at Wembley>.